Chapter comments on the chapter Adventurers of the book A Rattling Monster [Completed] (Editing in Progress)

Terrible. 1,5/5. Grammar is horrible, and I'm going to keep saying it until I see an improvement. The story is not a story. It's not even a manuscript. The whole goddamned chapter is a basically a monologue. There is no description, no neutral third party to describe what the hell is happening or who is talking or what the mouse is doing. Only the mouse's monologue to himself about his actions. I do action A, I do action B. I see item C. Next, this guy is pretty adaptable isn't he? It's BARELY believable and hovering just above complete bull ****. Arguing and scamming a goddess? Fine, I take it as him being shell-shocked from a sudden death and his default ****ty personality kicking in while he tries to get a handle on things. Nothing surprising. But now he's there, he's established that he's a rat, that he has a near useless system, but still no surprise. Just move on? to the point where he can eat a corpse's flesh without even batting an eyelid? Now that I don't buy. Next, the first bite of said corpse curses him with 30% reduced health yeah? Dropping him from 1 HP to 0.7hp ? So my question here is how the hell did eating even more of what cursed him in the first place to give him 40 HP. Further more, the HP limit he was given in the system was 1/1, he has at levelling but now his HP can overflow to 40.5? Is that logical?

Why are there no speech marks "" when the adventures where talking? Kinda throws me off, i hope this is just a temporary because of his dmall size 😐

I’m liking the concept so far but feel that he didn’t really mention anything regarding quests etc to the Goddess. What he described sounded more like a HUD? Heads Up Display of stats which while useful makes sod all use to him wanting a cheat system.

He really adapted fast to 🐀 - Life. ->Oh look adventurer.. if I only could kill them... Hehehehe🤤 (EXP JUNKY!!!)

top left paw ---> front left paw

The goddess has less brains but a more evil and selfish personality

Ok the berserker is more cautious than the paladin, that's the first time I ever saw that

Wow this is just aweful storytelling

I'm interested on the story, it seems fun to read but the way you wrote it.... It was painful. I have no problem with the perspective you wrote it, my problem was the way the sentences where structured, it made the reading difficult and boring.

Interesting. The difference between the edited and not-edited chapter was pretty clear and the transition was jarring. But there’s hope!

i actually hate system stories where the system has ???'s. It's just dumb. in every sense of the word.

Already lame if he wanted to be a hero

its... confusing, cleary a bad grammar and a bad way to write a story

This is so funny 😂

Where is the exit.... epic....😂😂🤣

Interesting first chapter

I love it, how you write the monologue is so funny. I love deadpool and it make me fall in love with this kind of humorous monologue, how about we add another in the monologue like heart demon a or heart angel a, it'll be great i think

I wonder if he will ever turn into full human. In fantasy stories high level enough monsters can do that (and are always hella hot etc, because hella powerful people are hot etc)

All I’m thinking when reading this is. SKAVEN! SKAVEN! SKAVEN!

Some editors needed. Like give connotations for different purposes. Also. Spaces would really help a lot. Thanks for the chapt!