I get ready and head downstairs for breakfast. My mom, who was sitting on the couch of our small but neat house all this while gets up and approaches me. She greets me with a warm kiss on the cheek. It is times like this when guilt consumes me for not being able to apprehend love. Guilt. According to my perceptions, it is probably one of the only non-fluctuating human internal sensation and is the only emotion which I can perceive into something. Nothing good comes out of it. Guilt is not the only emotion which I have discerned. Sometimes sadness has also made its way and gone by. Sadness because I don't understand emotional intercourses which everyone my age do. But it is not that of a major case for me for it eventually subsides into nothingness. I don't feel sad anymore, nor happy. I feel
completely neutral. It's merely hypothetical that I'm depressed. I do not know and I'd like to keep it this way.
I get up to leave for school. My mom kisses me on the cheek like she always does before I leave for school. "I love you..take care Cassy", she says with an appealing smile which masks her not so happy emotions which are yet reflected through her eyes. Ever since my father evacuated out of our lives, it has been the same way. My mom pretends to not be influenced negatively but I think I know better than that because I guess I can distinguish a sad aura better than a happy or loving one.
Nataile, my supposedly only friend walks with me to the bus stop. Friend? According to sources, friendship is a powerful bond between two or more people in which trust claims an important aspect. But do I trust Nataile? Trust her with what? Not that I keep deep secrets or anything. She, like my mom, upholds the thought that I need mental anchorings. She keeps lecturing me about stuff but I just let them slide. Her parents are both eminent counsellors and that off course has naturally influenced her instincts and judgment of human behavioural characteristics. "Okay, let me get this straight. Cass, you have to be more undaunted okay? You can't let Viola and her atrocious gang's snide remarks get to you..", Nataile starts to chide me as usual. I know her intentions are good but she just doesn't get me. Again, who does? "Listen Nataile, over the years I have learnt to snub these unworthy things that happen to me. I'm least affected or bothered by Viola and her totally rebellious group", I say as firmly as possible. Nataile raises an eyebrow, something she always does to show that she doesn't believe in what I said. "Oh yeah? Then why don't you go and tell this to them?", she asks sternly. God! I just shake my head and decide it is best to keep my mouth shut because Nataile never looses an argument. She has always been the assertive type. Sometimes I wish I could be more like her. Viola used to be my best friend back when we were little kids. Then, she got into this totally corrupted group and eventually got negatively influenced. For a little while even Nataile and I found ourselves amidst that group but ultimately realized it is not somewhere we belong, although it took some time for her to realize it. Since then, Viola and her group started to despise us, especially me. I ignore them but it is not the same case with Nataile. She is way more assertive than me.
I reach home and head straight to my room. My mom has gone to work and will return late as usual. She works as an accountant. Ever since my dad left, my mom has been working really hard day and night. I do a little bit of my school assignment and grab whatever is left in the fridge to eat. Eventually I drift off to sleep.
I wake to the sound of my mom's sobs. It is always like this ever since my dad left. My mother breaks down in the middle of the night when she thinks about him and I rush to the room to comfort her but she just says that as long as she has me, she is completely satisfied but I know better than that. According to my small perceptions, she still feels for my father. She still has photos of us three as family by her dressing table despite my protests. My father, he has this new family now and I'm sure he doesn't think of me or mom anymore. We are history to him but it is an obvious manifestation that mom does not reflect his feelings towards us. Since, a few days, I started to let my mom be and quit trying to comfort her on such everyday occations 'cause I realized that my reassurance is pointless. These novels are simply not complementary to this real world. Not that it makes any difference to me but a part of me believes that if it did, I could maybe perceive these emotional responses. I used to live in a virtually abstracted universe when I was young. My dad, of all the people, ended up being to one to blemish those innocent and virtually upright dreams.
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