This is a nice one. I'm not that intrigued yet, but I can see where the story is going. I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't stop writing. This has still a lot of improvement. If you hone it well, it will be a masterpiece.
The plot is unique and would really drive the story. At first glance, I know it would be promising. The title itself drives my curiousity. I loved the details, they open up my imagination. Good job!
Laplapan