Two weeks have past smoothly and I haven't left my bedroom except for school, food and to meet with Olivia and Jacob. Summer has officially started and I feel very miserable and sad; I'm not able to sterilize what I've done to my mother. I can still hear her silent but definitely in pain voice screaming for me to stop. Blood dropping from her nose to her mouth, her nails digging in to my palms asking me to stop. What if I wasn't able to do so? What if I continued? Could I possibly endure the thought of killing my own mother? And all this because I didn't attend a stupid summer school. She doesn't know what I've done to her, but I do remember all of it. With very much detail and feeling..
The past couple days have been rather hard for all of us. The change in me; it also effects them. Me rather going to a summer school and not partying all summer long. Not possible at all.. Not only has my actions changed, but also my reactions towards them changed as well. I can't look my mother in the face because of the guilt.. I suspect she thinks I'm somehow mad at her about my father or something. She's giving me some space but I can feel her being hurt inside. My mother is a women that cares for her family; she'll work hard and make sure our future as present life's will be the utmost best as possible. That doesn't change the fact that she is a women. A women with feelings, and her feelings are hurt right now.. But I have to be strong and do this, for myself and for the people I care about. I mis hugging her, smelling that motherly aroma and crying on her shoulder. I'm basically craving for my own mother, how pathetic. I'm too scared to hurt her again. But I have to hold my space. Because I love my family.
I talked to Jacob through Olivia about the boarding school and he signed me in for it. Not that I had a chance of escaping it anyway, The Elite would catch me within days apparently. I'll be sharing a room with Olivia and attending the same classes with her with my own routine that is. Right now am I packing my stuff. To be exact; I'm packing half of my room. Tomorrow am I leaving and I won't be able to see my family for eight freaking weeks. Eight long weeks.. Also, because the school is five hours by car, they won't be able to visit me either. It's for the better I guess. Knowing that they are safe will be enough for me. I don't want to see neither my mother nor any of my other loved ones to be in that same position my mother was.
As I'm packing my stuff and being really needy and greedy, because I won't be able to come back home and take something I've forgotten, I come across several photo's of my father. I take one close to my face and kiss him on the photo. Tears flooding out of my eyes and some dripping on the photo itself. If he only hadn't left us, maybe none of this would have happened. A flashback stolen from my mother coming back to mind: she and my father having dinner at a restaurant. Smiling, caring, staring at each other, holding hands here and there. A real loving family. My mother was seven to eight weeks pregnant at the moment I suppose. I can see her caressing her belly with one hand and with the other holding hands with my father. I'm even able to feel her emotions from that moment. So warm and lovely, caring for only her baby and her husband. How could the universe destroy such a happy family I think while in tears.
Coming back to the reality while the flashback is fading away in the background, I do some more packing and finish it as soon as possible. Tomorrow is a big day, a day that'll change everything. My luxe life and free time won't be available anymore. A privet room? Not going to happen. A privet bathroom? Forget it, use the shared girl's douche's. No partying, drinking or having fun. The only thing I'm allowed to do is study and practice and make sure no mistakes will happen in the future.
Tired am I heading to bed after a refreshing douche seance. I pray to dream about my mother to be close in my dreams before the upcoming eight weeks. I wish her and my old life a goodnight..
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