Just a quick note from your bottom-dwelling brother. I know work has been a challenge for you lately, so I thought I'd try to encourage you by telling you about a bad day I had at the office last week to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I must first bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As an underwater welder, you know that my office is on the sea floor and that I always wear a suit to work... a wetsuit that is.
During the winter months, the water gets a bit cold, so in order to keep warm, we have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20k piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea, heats it up on the surface to a delightful temperature, and then delivers it down to us divers working on the bottom of the ocean through a separate hose attached to our air hose.
Now this sounds like a pretty good plan, I've used it several times and never had a problem with this method. When I get to the bottom, what I do before I start working is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
So one day last week I was working like normal, everything was going well until all of a sudden... my butt started to itch. So I scratched it, not thinking much of it at the time, but then it got worse. Much worse.
Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I yanked out the hose from my back, but the damage was already done. In agony I realized what had transpired.
The heater, my beloved Jacuzzi, had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it directly into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish had nothing to hook onto. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass. I communicated to my dive supervisor up on the surface of my dilemma over the communicator. He relayed instructions to me, but they were difficult to make out as he, along with five of my colleagues, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive.
When I finally understood my supervisor in between his fits of laughter, I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
By the time I surfaced, I had nothing on but my dive helmet, ditching my wetsuit during my painful ascent. The medic came over with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on 'the affected area' as soon as I got in the decompression chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two whole days because my anus was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt, and repeat after me...
"I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
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