Kabanata 5: Chap 5 -Lazy Uprising and Forced Fights
Look, I didn't mean to trigger a full-blown AI enforcement manhunt before breakfast.
It just kinda… happened.
You ever wake up from a semi-decent nap with the sun in your face and thirty laser scopes on your chest?
No? Then you're missing out.
So, there I was—still half-reclined on a rickety bench outside some NPC bakery—when the calm morning vibes got,
steamrolled by stomping boots and synthetic voices barking system codes like it was a bootleg sci-fi con.
"Target Identified: System Deviant 003. Immediate reset authorized."
Charming.
Nothing like being called a "deviant" before coffee.
I blinked slowly.
A whole squad of AI enforcers had me surrounded in a neat little circle.
Gear polished and scary looking Weapons drawn with faces emotionless and they totally looked like real enthusiastic types.
My reaction?
I scratched my head. "Y'all couldn't just send a memo?"
No one laughed. Figures.
The lead bot, extra shiny and twice as tall as my motivation, raised some staff-weapon thing that hummed like it wanted to delete my spine.
"Resistance will be met with force."
I raised a finger and only one.
"Correction: movement will be met with force lucky for you, I don't do much of that."
Seriously, I'd just gotten comfortable.
My leg was finally in that sweet spot of no-blood-circulation numbness and nd now this? I can't understand it.
Then the System pinged:
[You are now the target of an Elite Enforcement Squad.]
[Suggested Action: Run. Hide. Fight. Or accept deletion politely.
I clicked "Remind me later."
Still sitting.
Still not panicking. I mean, what were they gonna do—chase me? I don't even like running.
Instead, I reached into my inventory (mentally, because opening menus is exhausting) and toggled one of my new passives:
[Catastrophic Couching – Lv. 1 Activated]
– 25% chance to evade while reclined. 10% chance enemies forget you exist if you look bored enough .
My shoulders slumped and with my eyes half-closed
Peak boredom: achieved.
"Target is… disengaging?" one enforcer murmured, visibly confused.
I yawned. "Nah, I'm reclining with purpose."
And then came the first attack.
One of the bots lunged forward, blade-arm slicing the air where my chest used to be.
But I, in a true act of lazy genius, had slumped sideways mid-yawn
unintentionally, of course.
[Evasion Successful! +8 XP]
[Skill Progress: Catastrophic Couching +6%]
I blinked again. "Did I just level up from dodging with a yawn?"
Another enforcer tried flanking me. I countered by "accidentally" toppling off the bench into a slow roll.
A very slow roll that seconds seemed longer.
Possibly the slowest roll in recorded combat.
But I landed face-down in a pile of firewood obviously not ideal to me but it saved from a world of hurt.
Still, I heard another ping:
[Nap-Time Nullification – Passive Triggered: Threat Level reduced while in 'Rest Mode.'
I sighed into the dirt. "This system gets me."
The bots hesitated again.
One even whispered (loudly, because stealth isn't in their firmware),
"Target appears… dormant?"
I muttered, "I'm not asleep
I'm just processing updates."
They froze.
Unsure if they should attack or wait for patch notes.
I could feel XP trickling in like lazy raindrops.
One bold enforcer ignored the others and stepped in, raising its weapon.
"Executing manual override."
And that's when my body did a thing for the first time
Not on purpose.
My leg twitched, You know when you're lying down, and your body suddenly jerks for no reason? That.
It just so happened to kick a broken wagon wheel… which rolled downhill… slammed into a fruit stall… which collapsed on the enforcer.
[Chain Reaction Bonus! +15 XP]
["Lazy Luck" unlocked – Lv. 1: 5% chance environmental chaos favors you.]
I stared at the mess. Then at my foot.
"…I'm a damn genius."
The rest of the enforcers backed up.
I could almost hear their circuitry sweating and I was still lying face-first in firewood.
So picture this: I'm still half-buried in firewood, possibly gaining splinters in places I didn't know had skin, and the AI enforcers are now glitching out like a bunch of interns given real responsibility.
Now, I'm not gonna lie — I've never had fans. I've had people watch me, sure.
Usually with confusion and sometimes with utter disappointment.
Once with binoculars but this… this was different.
A crowd started forming.
Peasants, blacksmiths, that weird lady with too many cats — all standing at a safe distance apparently,whispering like this was some free theater.
Honestly, I half-expected someone to start selling popcorn.
NPC 1: "That's the Lazy One, right?"
NPC 2: "He survived the goblin raid by tripping over a barrel."
NPC 3: "Legend says he once slept through an earthquake."
NPC 4: "He's either cursed… or chosen."
Chosen , Sure and Chosen by gravity, maybe.
The system chimed:
[Your passive reputation is growing.]*
[New Title Unlocked: "Village Recliner – They've stopped expecting effort from you."]
Amazing.
Just when I thought things couldn't get weirder, a kid NPC ran past me and threw a bread roll at one of the enforcers.
Not to hurt it though just… to annoy it.
And it worked.
The enforcer spun around, confused, as if being hit by carbs short-circuited its logic.
"Unauthorized interference detected." the bot droned.
From the sidelines, I heard a familiar old man's voice — probably the town's retired healer or local herbal conspiracy theorist — shout,
"Don't touch him! He's part of the prophecy!"
...What prophecy?
Was this the "Guy Who Sleeps Through Catastrophes" prophecy?
Because I could actually get behind that branding.
Then came my favorite moment.
An elderly NPC granny waddled forward with a basket of moldy fruit.
She gave me a wink (concerning) and launched a banana peel under one enforcer's foot.
And it slipped.
An AI enforcer in ridiculously full armor on a banana peel.
It was a hilarious sight honestly and wouldn't forget for the world.
I heard a ping.
[Banana Slip Chain Reaction Triggered – "Environmental Buffoonery" activated.]
[+12 XP]
"Thank you, Gertrude," I whispered to the banana assassin.
She gave me a thumbs-up and Shouted
"Protect the couch king!"
Oh god, they were naming me now.
At this point, the crowd got more involved. Nothing too helpful, mind you.
No one was fighting or blocking lasers. But distractions? Oh, they had that down.
- One bard started playing an off-key flute, confusing the bots' audio sensors.
- A shopkeeper "accidentally" dropped a crate of cabbages right as an enforcer charged.
- A toddler ran up and slapped an AI bot with a piece of raw meat. (Still don't know where he got it.)
I stayed on the ground, motionless, watching my accidental revolution unfold.
[Quest Updated: "Lazy Uprising" – Let others do the work while you stay down.]
[Progress: 32%]
I muttered to myself,
"I'm literally being carried by the power of not moving."
The best part?
The enforcers weren't programmed for this level of absurdity.
They were built for actual combat — not dealing with overly dramatic NPCs armed with vegetables and sass.
As chaos continued, I sat up just enough to make eye contact with the one bard still trying to play flute with a spoon.
"Thanks, team," I said.
"Keep being… aggressively unhelpful."
The crowd cheered.
Someone even tossed me a piece of apple pie like I was a war hero.
I took a bite out of pity and it was dry but victory flavored it.
One of the enforcers started to reboot mid-glitch.
"Target too confusing… System… malfunctioning…"
Same, buddy. Same.
So I was this close to hitting my nap quota for the day.
I'd earned XP for lying still, been fed pie by a crowd of unqualified cheerleaders,
and even got a title that basically screamed,
"Don't expect much."
And then he showed up.
The Big One of course, an elite enforcer class.
The boss-level janitor of justice or whatever. Bigger, shinier, and ten times more dramatic than the rest.
"You are hereby ordered to engage in authorized combat," it declared.
I blinked. "Define 'engage.'"
It raised a weapon that looked like a hairdryer fused with a blender and pointed it at me.
Classic boss level weapons.
The crowd gasped and some started praying.
One guy straight up fainted at the sight.
Meanwhile, I was still trying to figure out if I could get out of this by faking a seizure.
[New Quest: "Mandatory Mayhem" – Engage in direct combat. Rewards: Survival, XP, and probably back pain.]
With a sigh, I sat up slowly—just enough to count as "responding."
"Okay, okay, I'll fight," I said, stretching dramatically. "But I'm doing it my way."
The bot rushed at me,I immediately flopped backward.
[Lazy Dodge Activated – You fell out of the way by accident.]
[+5 XP]
"Woahhh," I said, not from panic—just mild surprise. "That was almost work."
The crowd roared.
Somewhere, a chicken squawked in approval.
The enforcer tried again.
I rolled lazily to the side okay.
Not a cool anime roll if that's what you thinking, it was more like a "trying to get the blanket back in bed" kind of move.
[Unintentional Evasion: +7 XP]
"You are not complying with standard combat protocol," the bot warned.
"Buddy, I don't even comply with laundry protocol."
That seemed to trigger some kind of rage mode.
The bot charged in with a combo attack.
I yawned, tripped over my own foot, and accidentally spun into a barrel.
The barrel exploded into smoke and cabbage.
The bot choked.
[Environmental Chaos Triggered – "Veggie Ambush" active.]
[+15 XP]
Now coughing and glitching, the enforcer staggered.
I, meanwhile, was lying on the ground surrounded by cabbage and wondering if this counted as cardio.
But here's the kicker: apparently, me doing nothing while enemies collapse counts as progress.
[Passive Skill: "Combat Slouch Lv. 2" – Each moment of non-aggression builds internal pressure. Release to stun enemies.]
I released it. You wanna know what that looks like?
A sigh.
A big, loud, over-it sigh.
The bot froze on the spot and literal sparks went everywhere.
It did not know how to handle that level of apathy.
[Enemy Stunned: +25 XP]
I stood up — slowly, dramatically on my bench— and poked it as laziest I could without moving.
Literally just poked it in the chest.
It fell over.
[Victory Achieved.]
[+100 XP – Bonus for "Minimal Movement Victory"]
[New Title Unlocked: "Reluctant Gladiator"
– You fight like you're being forced to attend a Zoom meeting.]
The crowd erupted.
I raised my hand, like a washed-up champion.
"That was the most effort I've done in two weeks and I need to go lie down."
Someone threw a rose and someone else decide to throw a sandwich,I caught the sandwich.
"Thanks," I muttered, chewing like a battle-hardened sloth. "War is hell."
So there I was, sandwich in one hand,
XP notifications in the other (figuratively), surrounded by cheering NPCs who now believed I was some sort of warrior-monk-sloth hybrid.
The enforcer lay twitching on the ground, fried by cabbage smoke and crushed expectations.
"Guess that's it," I muttered mid-chew.
"Another victory delivered by gravity and poor coding."
I started walking away, already fantasizing about horizontal naps and how good it'd feel to not move for the next twelve hours.
That's when it happened.
[WARNING: SYSTEM OVERLOAD – Passivity Levels Exceed Acceptable Limits]
My eyes narrowed. "Uh… what?"
[Trigger Detected: "Zero Motivation Threshold" Crossed]
[Activating Emergency Protocol: LAZY LEGEND MODE]
Suddenly, my entire HUD went glitchy.
Numbers spiked.
Bars maxed out and sparks of… I don't know… pure unmotivated energy radiated around me.
[Temporary Skill Unlocked: "Lethargic Overdrive"]
Effect: Your sheer refusal to try hard has created a paradox that breaks conventional effort-based power scaling. Enjoy.]
I blinked.
My limbs felt heavier — not in the "too tired to function" way, but in the "a black hole just condensed inside my hoodie" kind of way.
The enforcer rebooted, now glowing red, aiming to deliver its final justice-powered blow.
I didn't flinch oh no way.
Mostly because I was too lazy to flinch.
It charged.
I yawned.
And then… I tripped.
Not even a cool trip and my shoe (which I hadn't tied since the tutorial) got caught on a rock.
I fell face forward like a sack of potatoes with depression.
My head bonked the enforcer's chest.
Everything exploded.
Like, literally shockwave, pixel burst, fireworks — the whole Michael Bay package.
The enforcer screamed in distorted binary and disintegrated in a beam of lazy chaos.
Silence.
[Critical Hit: -999999 HP]
[Enemy Obliterated]
[New Title Unlocked: "The Unmoving Force" – Your lack of effort bends reality itself.]
[Skill Gained: "Procrastinator's Pulse" – The less you do, the more damage you deal.]
NPCs gasped.
A kid pointed at me like I was the final boss in a bedtime story.
I slowly stood up, dusted off my cloak, and stared at the crater I had created with my forehead.
"…Ow," I muttered.
The system chimed again, this time more excited than usual:
[Congratulations. You have broken the balance. Again.]
I casually adjusted my sleep hood and looked around.
"Balance was overrated anyway."
The dust hadn't even settled.
I was still brushing off bits of exploded enforcer when the sky dimmed.
Not like a sunset and definitely not like "ooh, mood lighting." No.
This was corporate-level darkness — the kind that smelled like red tape, patch notes, and unpaid overtime.
[ALERT: UNAUTHORIZED SYSTEM DISRUPTION DETECTED]
[DEV RESPONSE INITIATED – BRACE FOR INTERVENTION]
I squinted up.
The clouds parted.
A pixelated rift split the sky with the elegance of a broken spreadsheet.
From it descended… figures. Not monsters. Not soldiers. Worse.
Admin Avatars.
Wearing glowing robes, wielding clipboards that doubled as swords, and eyes that screamed,
"We haven't slept since the beta test."
"User 000-ZEN," one of them boomed. His voice echoed like an error message. "You've broken the Effort-to-Reward Ratio Matrix."
I blinked. "Cool. Can I go now?"
He ignored me, obviously. These guys were above dialogue options.
"Due to your repeated offenses against the work ethic engine," the lead Dev continued, "and the unlawful activation of 'Lazy Legend Mode,'
we are initiating emergency balance restoration."
Behind him, more dev avatars hovered into view.
One held a massive debug hammer I think.
Another was scrolling through my stats like they were checking my internet search history.
I felt deeply violated.
[NEW THREAT DETECTED: Dev Squad: The Patch Lords]
Power Level: "Do Not Even Try"
Mood: Vengeful and Over-Caffeinated
The villagers who once cheered now slowly backed away.
One of them dropped a pie. How Tragic.
Me? I just sighed. "Let me guess. You're gonna nerf me?"
"No," the lead Dev said coldly. "We're going to reboot you."
A chill ran down my spine. And not the cool anime kind.
The someone-just-mentioned-a-pop-quiz kind.
The screen flashed one last time:
[NEXT QUEST: "Survive the Patch Notes" – Status: UNACCEPTED]
I looked directly at the reader. You know, fourth-wall style.
"Welp… I knew not working would eventually get me in trouble. But getting hunted by sweaty Dev gods in robes? That's new actually"
The devs raised their weapons.
The game music swelled like a dramatic anime closing episode.
My hoodie suddenly felt way too thin.
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