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Aschirg

LV 5
2017-11-26 Joined Global

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Replied to D_EIRIC
This is not a positiv review of your story, I don't intend to be mean even though it might be a bit harsh. Your grammar is ok, definetly good bit above average above most novels. Your sentences are more on the simpler side though, which is totatly fine if you are not that adapt yet, in that case just keep doing it like that. Your Character Design is one of your two huge flaws. It feels like they are following a simple script, where they simply accept whatever is happening to them as tools for telling a story. There is no really personality to them, just empty figures that move on overly simple concepts. It would be great to see more of their inner thoughts, struggles and differing views on matters. The way they are now is very shallow and it is impossible for me to identify with any of them. The second huge flaw is the story development, it doesn't seem to have a natural flow. It seems hurried and rushed, things just happen so that there is progression and then onto the next thing. Far to many things get simply accepted and not questioned or explained, which for me as a reader disconnect me from the story. I have only read till chapter 4 and then abandoned the story, so I am not sure if you already improved on what I mentioned. But the way the beginning is written I simply can't enjoy it. Wreck being "special" which seems very important and him just going with it in a intellectually retarded way. The way his power is chosen and he acccepted what happened to him, super rushed and not enough feelings, struggle or bafflement in it, just going along with everything like a mindless drone. The red lion monster that is supposed to be an impressive monster and gets the actions of a scared kitten. The scream of the hearo that makes the "monster" flee and after it fled, just meh whatever I am just special........ Just simply without any thoughts, yeah lets make a village, you build a house, oh magic exists, lets hunt..... Just one event following another with a stupid happy go lucky mindset. And suddenly another event comes along and the previous one which hasn't really ended is just over, rinse and repeat. Ignore me if you want, just my honest opinion.
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