neuro - Profile

Not your preferred language? Here to Choose your language.
neuro

neuro

LV 3
2017-05-13 Joined Global

Badges 2

Moments 13

neuro
neuro
neuro
Commented
Well, I did just read the entire thing, and while I'll always welcome more basketball stories to read I do get why a lot of people wouldn't read it or drop it. Beyond the mc being way too overpowered for there to be any struggle, being an elite all-star level player while in high school, combining the range of curry with the body of durant and passing of LeBron and great defense. And that's before he gets an upgrade to make him the best shooter ever, all before even entering the NBA, he might not be able to win a championship with a very bad team but conference finals seems almost expected even without any help. While most of the problems that are there seem almost dumb, and require level suspense of your disbelief that gets irritating. He's poor, and can't afford a bigger bed or a cheap suit, but he's a 3 time national champion with schools and sponsors falling over themselves to want his attention. Now it's said that he wants to wait until he's an adult with the sponsor contracts and taking the schools' money would be illegal, so what's my problem. Well, my problem is that he has millions of followers on Twitter, and an active youtube channel, just the ad revenue and free products he'd get shipped would help alleviate a good bit of his money troubles, and with a bit of work, he could make a decent amount of money to help out. He could have also entered into basketball tournaments for prize money or gotten in contact with a sports agent or lawyer before his senior year to make a deal and have them invest in their next superstar player. Other points of disbelief are things like a tiny town having a very busy airport with constant flights to new york extremely close to his house but no first-class or seats with extra legroom and despite being apparently busy does still have seats left without having to get them ahead of time, Not planning a trip but just deciding that morning to go even after already having made that decision days earlier, the NBA HQ not actually being built to be comfortable to use for NBA players as even there the door is too low and the chairs/table don't give enough legroom. The entire board being available for a meeting about a none existent clause in a wrongly interpreted rule. I could see them bending the rules there if it meant he'd come to the NBA instead of abroad, but the whole thing is a surprise by his lawyer. Who apparently did the whole thing out of the goodness of his heart and spend a lot of money without actually making any deals or getting any commitments from his client. It just feels so dumb, like why include it all the scouts and attention and a large board meeting as if it's a serious thing if you're going to come out and then make up a rule and have the MC not even care enough to ask about it ahead of time. He'll just watch what will happen he's just there to look pretty and smile, if he doesn't really care why should we. You might as well have had him go to the park and play and used the media attention that would have drawn as the leverage the lawyer used to convince them. Sorry for getting a bit rambly towards the end there, but it just feels like there isn't really anything at stake here or any tension. As for personal relations, it's a bit clumsy but the bit with Hannah has some character, with there actually being some character to her beyond being in love with him. Although the relationship with his aunt mom might need some more consideration. Their age difference is somewhere between 8-12 years, which must be weird because she's probably closer in age to the MC than she was to her own sibling before they died. And he only acknowledges she's his aunt at the start of the story after that he pretty much never calls her anything but Ellie or mom so you don't need to remind us that he calls her mom. As for the basketball, there isn't much to say, there's been 1 match and 1 one on one game, the rest was just a report of his stats or that he was training. Keep it up though

ch 30 Having Fun Before Rucker Park

A Chance Again

A Chance Again

Sports · easyread

neuro
neuro
neuro
neuro
neuro
neuro
neuro
neuro
neuro
neuro
Commented
Thanks for the chapter. But one thing I think that might be an improvement is if you put a bit more detail into that last shot, The reason is that while I do like how fast your pace is as it means this story will move towards more important matches and has good progress without getting bogged down. But this high pace does mean we've got no clue how the team is doing in the league so there are no real stakes there you might say towards the end of the season they could be second or 10th and we wouldn't now until then, with a cup it's win or you're out so less of a problem and clearer stakes. But as this is the first cup game I remember of the top of my head and no clue what round. You might be able to more emphasis on the on-field play to increase tension and create narrative there that doesn't exist in the season right now by just focusing on the plays and teamwork as you have been, leaving the score as an afterthought. But I think you could improve that a bit here by being more specific so instead of a magical shot he normally doesn't go for and then nothing, it could be "It all became a bit of a blur as his body just moved, his foot jumping up to the ball and twisting his body into a bicycle kick to nail the ball into the far corner. And all of a sudden......" This way you might create more of a descriptive climax to the build up instead of leaving it to the readers imagination.
Report user