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The_Void_Keeper: WHOS A GOOD ELDRITCH HORROR!? You are! yes you are!

Re: Level 100 Farmer · C26
2 months ago

Chryiss: To be bluntly honest and direct, the rating of 3 about sums up my opinion of this story—it’s average.

After reading through 9 chapters, I wasn’t impressed nor was I repulsed. Just neutral. This story is like a skeleton that has a lot of room for improvement. It’s the basic litrpg story notion without much differentiation from any other litrpg’s.

Writing Quality: Average
Update Stability: Great
Story Development: Below Average
Character Design: Below Average
World Background: Average

Firstly, writing. Your English grammar is actually quite fair. No obvious awkward phrasings to note with verb tenses mainly correct. My only qualm is the punctuation. Several sentences need commas badly to make the syntax correct. And the spaces before and after commas and quotations is seriously bugging me. This is a personal little “itch” of mine whenever I see those incorrect spaces. It just doesn’t make for a pleasant reading experience.

Writing style wise, it’s basically nonexistent. But as I’ve said to others, writing style is a work in a progress that develops the more you write. But your story can definitely benefit from more detail, emotion, and vocabulary. Currently, this is written as a basic web serial.

Story development and character design. The first chapter was confusing. I think you made a typo with Mark Edwinson instead of Max. The repeated going to the awakening ceremony was confusing and not very engaging. It didn’t add anything to the story when you could’ve jumped right to the issuing of the gene system. All that failed awakening info can just be part of the background story for the MC.

The story also drags with no much interesting conflict. I can’t see where the plot is going except for getting stronger. I understand many litrpgs are like this, but usually there is still some motivating goal for the MC to become powerful. So far, the MC doesn’t demonstrate any individuality or personality. This is further emphasized by the first person narrative.

Stay away from first person narrative.

It can easily get messy and confusing if you ever switch perspectives. And the principle reason for using first person is to deliver any in-depth view or insight into the speaker. This was not accomplished. In fact, you could’ve easily made this story in third person, and nothing would be lost. If you want first person, then you’ll need to improve on the narrative thought process. What does the MC feel and think? How does his actions confirm or contradict his inner thoughts? What’s his inner perspective that might not be outwardly expressed? This is what first person narrative should be used for conveying.

A short bit to add onto character and writing. Instead of using caps to convey shouting, just use regular text and say that he’s shouting, like:

“Damn it!” He/I shouted vehemently.

Caps is unnerving and not pleasant to read. Only save caps for crucial moments and not for general shouting or cursing.

Some story dialogue is unnecessary. Only include what is integral to the plot and reader’s comprehension. Not every spoken word by every character is needed. Think plot-first, what does this dialogue achieve for the story? Does it convey more of a character’s personality is besides what’s know? Does it spur forth anything conflict or reveal something important?

World background is okay. Not much is described of the settings; the system details in place are sufficient though. Be careful of having too many numbers where your story becomes mainly stat screens and skills information. Plot first, always.

In short, you have a lot of room for improvement, but you have the necessary English skills to back up what could become a very good story.

Keep writing~!

The Ancient Genes
2 months ago
Scent Emoji made me laugh :) View More
Chrysalis · C267
1 year ago
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