JohnDoer

2yr

Posted

Interesting concept. Captivating story, with a nice pacing and flow. The writing is so good, that you want to continue reading more and more! Good job! Just don’t stop and keep writing better and better!

JohnDoer

2yr

Posted

Such an interesting story. The characters are alive and behaving realistically. Interesting concept. Nice worlbuilding. I just started but it seems pretty interesting. I will read more, so please don’t stop. Keep it up!

JohnDoer

2yr

Posted

The beginning is interesting and intriguing, making you want more. The story is interesting and it flows steadily and naturally. Nice pacingGood Work author! Keep it up!

JohnDoer

2yr

Posted

When i started to read chapter 1 I was skeptical about this background info, when i came to the end of chapter it all made a perfect sense. The quality of writing and the style are on the high level. The only things that bother me is, I don't really like a story from first person POV and I kinda think that mc's fvery first skill maybe too OP. Overall, it's a good and interesting read. Waiting to see its future!

JohnDoer

2yr

Posted

Well, it's just one chapter, so I can't say much. One things is for sure - I like how you wrote the dialogues - they skillfully and lively portray the characters. But, i was confused a little - firstly, i thought that it was happening in amusement park, and only later get that it was a high school. Maybe you should define it early on that they are in a school hallway, and not any other. Plus, it was hard to imagine how Ada and Hail looked like and how old they are. For example, in my country we call highschoolers everybody from 7th class to 11th, 5 years. Overall, it is a good beginning! I hope it will be something like "My house of horrors" which i like! Just keep it up!

JohnDoer

2yr

Posted

Well, it is an interesting novel. Writing is simple and easy to read. I like the humour. But, i would prefer to add more descriptive sentences too - some chapters are like full dialogues, without anything else, even something like he said, it said, which sometimes confuses. It makes the reading easier, but poorer, thin. Overall, it's a good read, with a potential. Good job! Keep it up!

JohnDoer

2yr

Commented

confused. is the story told from first person view or third?

ch 0 3 Where are my Beauties

JohnDoer

2yr

Posted

Well. The idea is wonderful and so huge, original. I mean, it can be developed into something very interesting. Is this Earth our Earth? Will all the people acquire a game system cause of this new god? It's just the grammar that confuses the reader. Also, i see you have the same problem with overusing the word "then" just like me. I would suugest you to delete the unnecessary ones as I always do when final editing. This word, it just slows down the pace. Overall. Interesting work with a potential to become something big! Just keep it up!

JohnDoer

2yr

Commented

What???? How voice can be Tiny???

This paragraph has been deleted.

JohnDoer

2yr

Replied to Dante_Faith

stupid name for an mc

-Name: Gustav Oslov

JohnDoer

2yr

Replied to DepressiveDaoist

well the items in the shop maybe immaterial things or even services. we dont know for now

[Host Attributes] [Skills and Abilities] [Bloodlines] [Quests] [Shop]

JohnDoer

2yr

Replied to SSBzero

nope. it is called lore breaking!

ch 0 2 Unknown Man

JohnDoer

2yr

Commented

disrespect for seppuku ritual....

This paragraph has been deleted.

JohnDoer

2yr

Commented

What? I thought this was the end. Isn't every novel end in a first chapter? How come? This is just too much. it is soo wrong!

This paragraph has been deleted.

JohnDoer

2yr

Commented

is he a ranger or mage? why would he need casting spells. would be logical to level up strength and stamina to use bows

He spent his free attribute point on dexterity without hesitation. A Ranger's main attributes were dexterity and intelligence. Dexterity made them more agile and skillful while intelligence let them cast spells. Dexterity was more important than intelligence in Marvin's advancement path.

Night Ranger

Games · Dark Blue Coconut Milk

JohnDoer

2yr

Commented

level 1 and 96 skill points? isnt it too much?

When he successfully became a Ranger, his HP increased by 11 points, he received a free attribute point, and he started with 96 skill points. His character window also changed:

Night Ranger

Games · Dark Blue Coconut Milk

JohnDoer

2yr

Commented

no need to be "knowledgeable" to choose this one. even complete idiot would choose it.

The three badges each increased a skill effect, and between these three skills, the knowledgeable Marvin made his choice very quickly.

Night Ranger

Games · Dark Blue Coconut Milk

JohnDoer

2yr

Commented

too obvious advantage of this option. who would choose 3 or 5 instead of 9???

[Sika Deer]: Hide +9

Night Ranger

Games · Dark Blue Coconut Milk

JohnDoer

2yr

Commented

why not use 1 gold for 100 silvers or something like that?

He hid the pouch well. This world’s silvers were in fact the size of a pinkie fingernail. Even though 150 sounded like a lot, it could fit in a small pouch.

Night Ranger

Games · Dark Blue Coconut Milk

JohnDoer

2yr

Replied to The_cone

...

Night Ranger

Games · Dark Blue Coconut Milk

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