Webnovel Author: DarkRay - Novel Collection

DarkRay

3yr

Replied to GREAT

What I referred to is the so called "breaking the 4th wall", I think people call it like this. Your MC is speaking directly to the reader (actually speaking not narrating), since no one is in that room. No one would stand there and explain such things to himself, like "my country is Sparta, yes, that's the same name given to an...", and so on. You can leave it, if you wish. Like I mentioned, you don't have to accept my points.

THE CONSPIRACY OF THE ELITES.

Sci-fi · Great

DarkRay

3yr

Commented

Anyway, I'll leave it at that for now. As you can see, this takes a while for me, since I have to come up with alternatives, and so on. I'll continue another time, but you are free to accept or decline my points. Have fun, hehe :D

THE CONSPIRACY OF THE ELITES.

Sci-fi · Great

DarkRay

3yr

Commented

My question is, who is the MC speaking to? Since these are quotes, he speaks "Sparta, yes that’s the name of my country named...". I'd change the "yes" part to a definition outside the quote (as a narrative), not something he says... To possibly no one, and for no reason. Also I'd use the name of his country sooner. like here -> ". My country Sparta? Tsk, tsk, it's just...", and so on. Or change the whole thing into narrative, he doesn't have to say that personally. "...name of my country" <- either a period, or comma at the end of that.

THE CONSPIRACY OF THE ELITES.

Sci-fi · Great

DarkRay

3yr

Commented

"All cadets looked up to when the training commence as it meant graduation day is near and because of the rumors spreading about how the government..." <- that's a long sentence. Also notice that at least in this part, there are no commas. It's just one long text. Perhaps change the "looked up" to "awaited" or "awaited eagerly". Then it would be like "All cadets awaited for the training to commence...". Then you could continue "That indicated the graduation day was getting closer and closer", or "Since that only meant the graduation day was nearing/getting near/approaching". I'd shorten some stuff, and remove unnecessary things. That would be the best advice.

THE CONSPIRACY OF THE ELITES.

Sci-fi · Great

DarkRay

3yr

Commented

"What" is a question, hence "What?!" would be the appropriate way. He's asking and exclaiming at the same time. You might add a few exclamation marks, if you see fit. "Oh my God that’s awesome," <- I'd say something like that, "Oh my God, that's awesome!", or "Oh my God! That's awesome!". I'd say the first one seems better to me.

THE CONSPIRACY OF THE ELITES.

Sci-fi · Great

DarkRay

3yr

Commented

"... change in plans" <- full stop, then "All cadets..." as a new sentence. "goodluck" <- "good luck"

THE CONSPIRACY OF THE ELITES.

Sci-fi · Great

DarkRay

3yr

Commented

"He went off to wash his face with water before he suddenly recalled" <- we'd usually wash our face with water :D no need to really mention that. Just, "He went to wash his face, then suddenly recalled...", as an example. “why did the phone ring if there is still time. Oh shit,” <- “why did the phone ring, if there is still time? Oh shit!”, since he is taking immediate action after realising something, an exclamation isn't a bad idea to convey that. "There he saw the phone, he unlocked it and a message notification was displayed." <- "There, he grabbed the phone, unlocked it and read the message on display.", I'd suggest something like that instead. Which then renders "He opened it reading", not needed. He had to open it, in order to read it. That's just self explanatory. We don't have to put every single action into words, and I'll give you an example. "Steve grabbed his bag, and left the house", you know he left the house through the door (since we all do, that's normal). There's no need for me to write - "Steve grabbed his bag, and left the house through the door". I'd mention the method of exit, if it was unusual (like the window).

THE CONSPIRACY OF THE ELITES.

Sci-fi · Great

DarkRay

3yr

Commented

"His eyes immediately flew wide open as he stood up to search for the phone" <- I'd place a comma after the 'wide open', but it's up to you. "Oh, thank God time’s still at 5:30am" <- "Oh, thank God it's only 5.30am", or perhaps "Oh, thank God it's just 5.30 in the morning". No need to mention 'time' since you are providing the time with numbers. "I still got 30 minutes before the morning drill" <- "That's fine, there's 30 min remaining before the morning drill", or "I got 30 min left before the morning drill". Or you can keep it as is, just remove 'still', it's not really necessary.

THE CONSPIRACY OF THE ELITES.

Sci-fi · Great

DarkRay

3yr

Commented

“Ahh, don’t disturb me wait what says the time?” He questioned in alarm. <-This sentence. I'd say add something like '...' after 'me'. Or a period, the start with "Wait, what's the time?", or "Wait! What's the time?". The second one hints at urgency. Then the "He questioned in alarm", should either be "He questioned alarmed", or "He questioned the [phone] alarm". Depends on which option you meant.

THE CONSPIRACY OF THE ELITES.

Sci-fi · Great

DarkRay

3yr

Commented

Actually, if the sun shone at it dead centre, both sides would most likely have no shadow. If you positioned it differently, you'd get a shadow on one side. That's one of the reasons I suggested different analogy/metaphor

Memories Like a Dagger

Fantasy · SolAce

DarkRay

3yr

Commented

Are we though? Is enough, there's no need to add 'all' since you already speak about Humans and kinds. The 'Remember...' on it's own is kind of, huh? You can simply continue the sentence from the next paragraph after remember. This is a long and really not necessary pause.

Memories Like a Dagger

Fantasy · SolAce

DarkRay

3yr

Commented

Right, so my suggestion about this is to simply use one coin. Since you had to explain to readers, and this seems confusing, using one coin would work much better. You can achieve the same metaphor, with a single coin. One side is good (or moral or something else), while the other is bad (evil, immoral and so on). Then there's the edge of the coin, which represents balance, or in between. Neither one, neither the other. You could also introduce the reader to an action (like flipping the coin), since you are addressing the reader anyway. Something like "Humans are like the coin. Once you flip it, the coin will land on one of it's sides. One good, one evil. One moral, one immoral. But, what if you were to flip the coin, and it landed on it's side?...", and so on. You can build on that much more, but that's the premise and it's not confusing, since you use a single coin for your explanation.

Memories Like a Dagger

Fantasy · SolAce

DarkRay

3yr

Replied to gwunders

That is preference in my view. I'm not going to change this, since this is my style. In my view that is not incorrect.

ch 0 1 My Name is Anna

I'm Anna

Fantasy · DarkRay

DarkRay

3yr

Commented

Right, so at the beginning you have like two commas, but then from the "All 5 superpowers...", pretty much no commas at all. I can't see the text while I'm writing this, but do have a look.

THE CONSPIRACY OF THE ELITES.

Sci-fi · Great

DarkRay

3yr

Replied to Daoist945497

It's not for everyone, so I'm not offended. You gave it a go, and that counts. Have fun with other novels.

ch 57 Tracking the Prey

I'm Anna

Fantasy · DarkRay

DarkRay

3yr

Replied to Daoist945497

I'm not sure if you need 'luck', perhaps a bit patience. Anyway, tell me how you feel about it after reading a bit. Maybe there's something I could improve for the e-books. Thanks.

ch 0 1 My Name is Anna

I'm Anna

Fantasy · DarkRay

DarkRay

3yr

Replied to Daoist945497

To be honest, a lot of people did even without the virus. It wasn't that uncommon.

This made me wonder, 'What does mother do actually? I mean, she doesn't really work. Mom is always home, and we grow our own food and stuff. I'm sure this trip will cost her something…'. "Mom, what is your job? Where do you work?", I asked curiously. She smiled, "How to say this… I manage people in a sense. The help your aunt Alicia required, was that sort of job really. I work from home sweetie and sometimes travel, like the time I left for a few months. Although rare, it might happen again". "Heh… It seems rather boring", I said. Mom laughed, "Sometimes, but I get to spend a lot of time with you, right?". That was true, mom was always home. If she had to travel all the time, I would rarely see her.