Webnovel Author: KasiCair - Fanfic Collection

And btw, yeah, there is some kind of weird bug where comments are not posted under this review for some reason. Or rather, I can see my last post only when I go to my profile too. Eh, whatever.

As for the 'Tsunade part', do whatever you want. It is not like I could forbid you from doing anything in your story since these are fanfictions. I don't really mind it anyway. Well, good luck with your next story, and most importantly, have fun with it. The best advice I can give you is to write what you want to write. If you have a favorite female character or a favorite franchise, go for it without caring about the opinion of your readers. These things are for you to keep you interested in continuing your story. Whether it is bad or good, if you stick with writing, you will eventually improve. A good way to realize some of your mistakes is by reading comments, especially the negative ones. It might be a bit hard to ignore a dude who is swearing at you but usually, angry people are honest ones. It is them who will either bluntly point out the problem they have with your story (and some of them can be pure BS because people are that bored so you gotta decide what you take into consideration) or just fire a massive amount of expletives at you. In the latter case, just ignore them. I learned what I know mostly from my mistakes and I still do more of them on regular basis. That's just a part of writing. The important part is to just admit to yourself that perfection doesn't exist and self-improvement is a never-ending path.

I wrote my answer over 3 comments three days ago. They are in this review. Did you perhaps miss them or is there something wrong with the site and you can't see them?

And this will be my last comment since I have maybe said too much already. This one will be fixated on 'villainy'. You can disregard this one as I will mostly be giving you my opinions but you said you want to make another 'villain' story so maybe this will give you a bit of insight. Oh well, here it goes. ... What many people misunderstand is that a story does not need to be about a hero or a villain. You can totally write about a normal MC who is good to others when he wants and evil when he needs to or it fits his goals. That is NOT being a villain. And that is actually the best-received kind of MC while also being the EASIEST to write. One unrestrained by the tags of 'villain' or 'hero' and one that can do both as it fits him because why the heck not? ... Writing a good villain is hard. Very hard. A good villain needs to have a good backstory that explains what drove him to this path. A good villain needs to have a goal as doing evil things for the sake of doing evil things will just make him pathetic, rather than interesting. And a good villain needs to have boundaries. That is the most important thing. Boundaries. Stuff even he wouldn't do despite his evil predisposition. An example: Thanos would not kill even a soul more than half of the whole universe. That was his goal and also his limit. Now you might think that Joker didn't really have a goal and he was evil just because... but Joker had a rival in Batman and this rivalry could be said to be his 'goal' and what drove him forward. ... And above all this, a good villain needs to show he is also just a 'human' being with emotions. Thanos being emotional when sacrificing Gamora. Joker and Harley. Even Loki had a few instances like that. Obito and his obsession with Rin. Madara and his love for his brothers and friendship with Hashirama. They ALL have something like that. Even Voldemort had his fear of death and retarded fixation with Harry Potter. ... It is not as easy as just making your character evil and calling him a villain. That's why I find it hilarious that there are so many people trying to write 'villain' MCs as if it was the easiest thing to do, only for their stories to be mostly disregarded because their villains are one-dimensional and third-rate characters and their readers find it hard to get immersed in the story because of that. ... Now, writing a villain as the Main Character is even harder. For that, you actually need to make your MC both 'evil' AND 'likable'. Which is damn hard balancing work and you will miss the good balance between the two most of the time no matter what you do. One good way to do this is through the female lead. The gist of it would be inserting a good and interesting female lead and make the MC genuinely care about her while being an overall d*ck to everyone else while chasing his goals. But this would require a good romance, not some hollow and shallow relationship like the possessiveness between the MCs of this story. Of course, there are other ways to do this but one thing does not change. It is a balancing work. Your villain MC should be evil but he MUST stay likable. Otherwise, your readers will just lose interest in him since villains are really not the most interesting characters to read about. // Btw: I stopped reading this story when you had your MCs start throwing exploding tags into the crowd of civilians in Roran. That was where I think your MCs lost even the last shred of likability they had going for them and became just third-rate uninteresting villains and I could not force myself to care about them anymore. Hence, I could not make myself get interested in what happens next in the story.

I wrote about relationships. Now about the powers, pacing, and age. I think you already realized giving your MCs ten wishes across the board is a ridiculously stupid thing to do. It is hard to make it work in a story while making it make sense. You somewhat managed, yet, not. Your MCs wishes focused mostly on talent so that's why it somewhat worked in this fanfic. But your MCs were still too overpowered, which forced you to progress the plot quickly, and not give enough time to the development and introduction of your characters. A few months in and your characters were already chunin levels at 5 yo. Because of the pace, you set for the characters, we find ourselves in a situation where we have two 9 yo Kage-level ninjas. Try saying that out loud. Maybe you will realize how ridiculous that is. But that's not the main problem here. I know you probably imagine your MCs as teenagers or young adults when you write about them. But making 9 yo have oral s*x? I am surprised nobody called you a pedophile yet. There is an easy way to avoid this. Simply make your MCs reincarnate when they are 10yo. With a bit of effort, you could have done that easily and it would have made the whole story less cringe, less unnatural, less BS. 15 Yo Kage level shinobi is fine because the body is kinda developed enough that it could happen and it would be believable. 9 years old is not. Do not disregard the physical development of children just because there are a few exceptions like Itachi and Kakashi. They could be chunins around 8 yo but chunins and Kages are very different leagues. The ages of your Mcs were easy to disregard but every time I was reminded they are just 9 yo kids, I cringed hard. It's the same kind of BS as reading about an infant who drives his wet nurse to orgasm by being breastfed. Just... awfully terrible. ... The next thing is the fixation on leaving Konoha. You could have made them try to take over the village but no. Your MCs are dead set on going rogue and it is very unnatural for their situation. They have family in the village. And while they do not seem to put much importance on these people, for me as a reader, it is kinda awkward since their families clearly care about them. This makes your MCs a*sholes which doesn't really make them interesting or endearing in any way. And no, 'they are villains' is not a good excuse. You could have transmigrated them outside of Konoha, even with their Bloodlines, and made some BS about how that happened, and it would have been better than giving them caring families while throwing it into your readers' eyes that they are going to betray them just because 'they are villains'. Now, what screwed you over quite a lot is also the fact you make other characters bend over for your MCs. The relationship between Mikasa Uchiha and someone not from the clan would NEVER be so easy. Yet, in your story, both the Uchiha clan head and the Great Elder just shrugged it off because the male MC is talented. Like, what the heck? That's retarded! Why do you make your characters brainless idiots when it comes to the MC? That, right there, is what could make you a great plot for your story. Your crazy MCs trying to get the approval of the Uchiha clan for their relationship while being rebellious and meeting anyway. It could go however far you, as an author, wish and this could be the reason for their latter defection. Yet, you just shrugged it all off and made the whole Uchiha clan bend over for the MC. Just like that. What the heck? I am not even going to portray how Hokage bends over for the MC. He doesn't do that even for his bonafide Kage-level ninjas but apparently, MCs' talent is priced higher than the actual ability of Kage-levels so... It is an easily disregarded problem while reading but logically, it does not make sense. My advice would be: Make it harder for your MC and by doing that, you will make it easier for you as an author. You will get more things to write about. More plotlines to develop.

This might come as a surprise but it is not the MC or his power that makes a good story. It is the relationship dynamics he has with other characters. Whether they are antagonistic, neutral, or positive, they are a major part of what makes it all interesting. And that's the problem in this fanfic. You have 2 MCs so you do not really need them to interact with anybody else than each other. So, the interaction between your MCs and the other characters falls flat. Your characters might as well be brick walls in these moments. An example: The MC returned to Konoha after a year of training and Tsunade showed her care for him, yet, he was like a brick wall. You didn't even describe what he felt. Annoyance, a twinge of appreciation, a small bit of affection... it does not matter what, it should be there. The 'villain' does not and should not equal 'emotionless'. You already knew the MCs will one day go rogue and these relationships would be in the way. So you simply evaded forming them like a plague. But it is these relationships that would breed conflict and conflicts makes it interesting. Especially since your MCs are powerful from the start and the story desperately needs something else to generate interest than the MCs getting stronger. ... Now, this comment will be all about relationships so let's continue. The relationship between the MCs. It is barely passable because they are supposed to be mad. What they have between them is no love. It is possessiveness. They do not love each other, or at least, you never showed they do. Just because they are villains, it does not mean they can not have a normal love-based relationship. Their madness does NOT need to interfere majorly in that. But I have the feeling you thought it wouldn't fit if they showed affection to each other so instead, you just tried to make the MC into some Dom Alfa Male (total Bullsh...) and the female into Submissive Whatever. That's the dynamics of your MCs relationship and it totally s*cks. There is nothing interesting in it. An example would be Joker and Harley Quinn. Both were mad but their relationship worked while it lasted and it was interesting. Because their actions showed they cared for each other despite being evil and barking mad. But your MCs simply seem like two people who want to own the other as a material thing rather than feeling love. While that fits their mental state to a degree, there is nothing interesting about it. You may as well kill one of them off and nobody would miss him/her simply because most readers will have a hard time getting immersed in this kind of stuff. The way to adjust this is simple. Stop being fixated on some childish bullsh.. like a cold-blooded emotionless villain template that never worked. Put some emotions into your characters. Romance can still happen and SHOULD happen if you are making a story about two lovers. It does not need to be cringe-sweet stuff but a small show of affection would go a long way here. And no, I don't mean oral s*x by that, duh. ... The third and last part of this relationship comment is the 'harem'. Harem or not, it does not matter, but the way you make the male x female relationships in this story is offputting. Pakura was manipulated into loving MC while Hikari was outright enslaved. Sure, the MCs are villains. They are evil. Good job, author. But why the fk should I care about these characters if clearly, the MC doesn't care about them beyond them being some holes to f*ck and exploit? You might as well just kill them off and I, as a reader, wouldn't miss them. They are that insignificant. You can develop them in whatever way you want, putting so much effort into writing about it, and it won't matter. This is a major problem because if I don't care about the characters, then I practically don't care about the story. There will naturally be a few people shouting in comments how awesome this is! But really? Most will just quietly leave because the relationships will get stale after a while.

Since you say it is a learning experience for you, if you want, I can elaborate on why and how exactly their personality is dragging the quality of your story down. It has less to do with the craziness of your characters themselves and more to do with how it affects your story and writing. But if you are not interested, I will not waste my time typing it all down only for it to be disregarded :D. So, just give me your honest opinion.

And that, my friend, is what is dragging this story down. You clearly have the necessary talent to write a good story but you want to be 'cool' by making your MCs evil or some BS that now became 'modern' on this site. The problem is, you have no idea what makes a good villain so you just make your characters evil for the sake of being evil and it makes everything so shallow... Well, there will definitely be an audience that will like it anyway, if only because there is a serious drought of content currently, so whatever. I am sorry for being a bit harsh and it is your story so write what you want but I just think it is a pity and a waste of talent.