Thutmose - Profile

Author thanks for the chapter. Now for my thoughts. Eragon comes across as a passive mc there are moments when he becomes dominant but they are fleeting especially when dealing with the women in his life but I can understand that due to how he was raised and hopefully you’ll grow him out of it. Now for the Blackfyre Dragon part I would have been okay if the Blackfyre’s did it any other way maybe sacrifice a dying Daemon to bring them to life. But since Eragon is the father of Dragons they need his flame (which is okay if he was there) and kingly blood. But the fact they can use Eragons flame without his input is a major problem that needs to be addressed also will said dragons even listen to Eragon as the father of Dragons. I feel it could have been done better. I did notice how others tried and failed but it feels like you have the blackfyre’s succeed for the sake of it at the hands of the priest r'hllor (which is it’s own problem that Eragon will need to deal with). If Eragon is the Father of Dragons it shouldn’t be so easy for others to usurp that role which is what this chapter felt like. Your MC is taking hits to his status as MC as you uplift every other character you introduce Eragon gets lost in the background because he has no agency. Everything is set up for him by the women around him, hopefully Eragon does things on his own and puts his foot down at times to his wives because he feels like a doormat at times. Again the using his own magic without his input really sits wrong with me and I hope you have Eragon deal with that. Sorry if this feels like a rant this is just me leaving my criticism so that you can grow as a writer also this is a critique on all that I have read up to this point. I’ll stay tuned in cause I’m interested to see how you navigate these problems and Eragons story.

Just wanted Jane, but if the harem route is the only way it’ll work I guess I can take that if it is only Jane and Alice since a lion has a pride of females etc.

Jane. Alice is overdone along with Rosalie. Using the new Jane you used could be interesting would she even join the Volturi if she meets your character(her mate). It creates an interesting situation and if you want to interact with the Cullens (you wouldn’t have to) you could make Alec mate with one of them and he’d be your connection to the Cullens. Wish you didn’t redo the vote though cause Jane won the first one now it seems like it’s leaning towards Alice. I just hope for a different pairing. Like I said before Jane x MC.

What does Jin look like? Are there any pics?

House Ironside is best. House Munsö is more historical. Lothbrok is just Ragnar’s nickname which means shaggy breeches so I feel that wouldn’t be the best family name. As for house words “For Valhalla!” is one “Valhalla Calls!” Is another “Death or Valhalla!” Is a third. Also he can name his son Ragnar if he wants to remember his father or Lagertha if he wants to remember his mother and that can be a trope for the family to reuse those names every few generations along with his etc. That’s my two cents on the options you put at the end of the chapter.

Please author separate your dialogue it get difficult trying to figure out who is talking. Each character should get their own paragraph when speaking to differentiate characters. I just hope you learn this and improve in future chapters.

I’m enjoying the story. The only critique I have is your dialogue should be separate for each character that is speaking. Sometimes you do it but other times you combine two different characters dialogue and I get confused on who is speaking and to whom. Hopefully in future chapters this has been rectified.

Does he have devil fruit weakness to water and will he use jutsu with handsigns????

Thought I’d mention that Atreus and Thor are red heads. Not brown haired.

Enjoyed the story and thanks for the chapter. I think both Ino and Hinata complement each other and the way you’ve developed the relationship so far seems plausible that they can share him. Also they way clans are so large in the series has to show that some had multiple wives earlier on so it doesn’t seem implausible that he could have two wives. Also this isn’t exactly a modern story it has a feudal structure to it so multiple wives could work.

Separate your dialogue at the end you combined Tyrion’s dialogue with another which add confusion. Each character gets their own paragraph for dialogue.

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What about Zabuza’s sword

I think you mean sensor ability right?

Why do you call it Murloc instead of Fishman Karate

Don’t think it should be harem because it will mess up the flow of the story but from seeing all the harem advocates I don’t think my choice will matter. So if Harem is done then all I ask is there not be any student teacher relations because he is already older than them and for women his age you have chooces between Anko, Kurenai, Yugao, or Shizune in Konoha.

Twilight vampires don’t need to breathe, sleep, or bathe. They only breathe and bathe because they used to do it when they were human and breathe allows them to taste the air like a snake. Some knowledge for future chapters.

Am I on the right site? Do mine eyes deceive me? This is splendidly written, dear author and I am pleasantly surprised. I bid you good luck author as you endeavor to finish this story. I pray that Calliope sees you to the end of this journey that I have just glimpsed.

What does she look like?

A +1