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LunarMax: Thank you for the chapter. I finally caught up. I am looking forward to how you develop Draco over the summer and/or the second year. Chamber of Secrets was one of my favorite parts so I hope to see some nice action with Basilisk.Reincarnation: Draco Malfoy · C71
DarkImmortal_Intel: Space ships, time travel, FTL, Transprters, hover cars, AI’s, cyborgs, aliens..... but mc picks a pointy stick as a weapon.... why not a firearm? I’m sure they have energy weapons"...................The Greatest Gene · C5
The Greatest Gene · C5
The Greatest Gene · C3
PettyOfficer: There are like 20 reviews from two people giving this 5 stars and I have to put my foot down.
I’ve read up to chapter 18 and I want to blow my brains out. Wanna know why?
It’s not lacking chapters. It’s not the decent grammar or the general narrative style.
It’s the overuse of clichés, emphasis of “plans,” and useless characters. Also, the dreadful POV shifts.
For clichés, we got MC Mark, a “badass” anti-hero/hero mix. We got a random mother and daughter burden for escort. Then there’s the strong and uncooperative love interest with her friend. Oh, and I almost forgot! There’s the unnamed male employee as the servant.
Some bus is in an accident and then zombies come out from it. It’s the apocalypse and somehow, the zombies have hacks that allow them to bypass crowds and kill any good guy with a gun. No police or guards! No phone service, so you can’t call for help!
That means everyone is getting slaughtered! MC steps in to lead everyone to safety! Oh no! Someone needs help, so he goes to save them with his badass one-handed shotgunning skills! He got it from a zombie guard that happened to attack him!
But he can’t just save them without showing how all other guys are trash! A mom gets grabbed by dying man! How she is still alive when running from zombies with her daughter? Who cares! Love interest shows she can fight, but MC saves her because he must be better!
Oh? A rich fatty goes crazy and holds everyone hostage in his base? He locks out MC and kills someone with a gun? Guess it’s detour time for MC to go save them because they’re helpless without him! No need to try and reason with the fatty.
Don’t worry! It’s all according to “plan!” MC loots a place and makes the path secure. Oh, a detour to the detour? Oh, it’s time to save a new love interest? Oh, we have to get the hero a heroic entrance instead of assassinating the gangsters. We’ll have the MC talk to the Boss as he r*pes the girl because this is the “plan!”
What!? The Boss has a gun? No worries! MC knew and wanted to make sure by talking to the gangsters! He just wanted to get a better shot. What? He only shot off the Boss’s arm and kicked a gangster’s balls? What “plan” is this?
How will he survive now? Oh? It was instant KO? As expected of MC, the other gangsters run away since they luckily don’t have guns. Now the MC is the hero. Let’s have TWO chapters of FLASHBACKS to show this pampered and beautiful love interest having a hard time with her family, friends, and fiancé.
Don’t worry! Literally disarming the Boss was part of the plan! He’s bleeding out, but don’t worry! MC must have a moment with his love interest! Oh, the Boss died? Time for a new “plan!” The fleeing gangsters attracted the zombies away? As expected of the “plan!” They never could have lured them back! Even if they did, MC had “plans” for it!
Ignore that his people had to kill zombies attracted by his gunshot! Hey, that mom can come over here and clean up the love interest. That gangster Boss r*ped her all over just by himself! She’s coated in his slimy seed!
Great! We’re ready to move on! Ignore how the daughter keeps up. Man-servant has been carrying the injured mother the whole time!
Do you understand how tedious and discomforting that is? It’s a droll format. It relies on cliché encounters to build up a harem team because the author doesn’t want to have MC alone. We go back and forth between characters only so the MC is no longer the focus of the story.
It’s fractured but whole, like a fractured butt hole. Incomplete, but complete; empty, but full.Mutagen
Pablo: k... the novel is fine but there are a lot of things to improve on it, starting with.
1. Its been a while now since a lot of people point out that you wrote 28 years old in chapter 1 when it should be 18 and it still hasnt been fixed despite you thanking a reader for pointing it out and its been months!!!!.
2.world announcements as sometimes it shows the level of the monster, others, it dosnt. Its important for the level to be known as its a difference killing a lvl 10 boss while being same level than killing it while being lvl 30 for example.
3.At the start, it was said that the time was twice as long in the game but then it was said that it was only 12 hours longer and then it got increased that 1 real-world day is 2 days inside which is what was said from the start.....
3. the stats of Amanda in the game are way to high for someone level 7, her stats are 119 in total - 30 stats per level - 60 stats supposing she got all 10 like shadow = 29... Meaning her equipment adds 29 points to her stats in total, thats way to much...... either its that way, she got more than 10 in stats at the start or you messed that up.
4. It bothers me a lot the start of the novel with Shadow and Amanda having to run for accidentally instantly killing the senator's son by making him trip on a rock... even if that was enough to damage his head it won't be enough to instantly kill the guy unless he was to fall on his head from a few meters and im sure that he could have reached the hospital alive even if he were to die from bleeding inside the head.
4. it wasnt stated how the gang found out that mc "killed" the rich guy son.
5. how come Amanda was working full time as the boss of a restaurant if she was THAT good in the game and she could earn thousands dollars... dosnt makes sense and she is even higher level than MC and he is OP
6. Amanda's friend Jeny seems to be from a powerful family, how come she couldn't help Amanda from the rich guy? From what i can see, Jeny could have helped Amanda with no problems
7. how is it possible for a normal guy and girl to escape a hunt from a criminal gang plus the justice for killing a person, not to mention the senator's son!!!, the pair would captured fast and easy as they had a criminal organization and the government searching for them.... and even him becoming a high paid assassin while doing so lol... where did he even get the money for that!!
9. The mc calls little girl the sister of his friend but she is 18 years old, same age as the mc.... LOL
10. why he didnt buy a helmet for Tina? the sister of his best friend?
11. The mc wants money but as soon as he gets a new equipment he tosses the one he had out! lol, he can sell those!
12. Not much is known about the classes, not even the assasin class as what they can or cant do... Such as use 1 or 2 daggers
13. No world announcement was given when the mc CREATED a skill... you would think that such an amazing thing would create a world annoucement but nothing happened...
All things considered, this leads me to believe that you dont have any guide while writing this nor you are keeping track of things. Its likely that you must go back to read what you wrote on X chapter to remember instead of writing down important things on a separate file. I recommend using excel or google sheets to keep track of things
K... try to improve the world background a little and give some more physycal description of your characters. Pls be consistent with the information givenFate Online: Shadow
The_Ev1l_fluffy: Are Hannes, Bennet, and BP stupid or something? The guy pretty much said he was doing all this himself with his friend because he was bored. The then BP suddenly realizes this doesn't seem like the Gorda's (spelt that wrong) doing, even though the guy said that his friend was pretending to be a emissary and that he was using his position to shield him... if it actually was the Gorda's (wrong again I know) then the guy's friend wouldn't be pretending he would actually be a emissary. You can't make smart characters momentarily stupid just because... it ruins the story...The Legendary Mechanic · C531
How Much For Your Soul? · C49
Reincarnation: Draco Malfoy · C43
Here_is_a_Potato: Here's a potato
And is it just me, or is the power ranking of this novel getting worse and worse?Dual Cultivation · C241
Lomyril: I can only imagine what the next issue of the Galaxy Times will be like. I'm sure everyone will be in deep shock. I'm also sure the other planets infected with this outbreak will be worse off, which should make the people of this planet feel better about their situation. I'm sure once Han Xiao returns, the players will feel even more grateful towards him.The Legendary Mechanic · C511
Zxaquis: I love how all the players ACTUALLY listened properly instead of half-listen like the gamers of our world
Gamer : *talks to chat while story is being unfold*
Viewers : *screams 'pay attention to the game'*
GAME : stops talking bout story
Gamer : *stops*
Gamer : uh...guys what do we do?
Viewers : xfksjsnjsbkshfxkckThe Legendary Mechanic · C511
Brityn_Fountain: Am I the only one thinking of Shiro and the others in swimsuits?Nanomancer Reborn - I've Become A Snow Girl? · C125
REN: The ocean (or wherever they're going) is going to be dyed with blood. Lyrica's nosebleed when she sees Shiro in a swimsuit is going to be legendaryNanomancer Reborn - I've Become A Snow Girl? · C125
MilkGod: MilkGod's Fact: An average person's eye makes movements 50 times every second.
Are eyes are crazy! But, wow. It's a shame if your blind or have eye damage in some way. (I wear glasses so that counts as eye damage) I think about 75% of adúlt's have to wear some sort of eye correction (Glasses, contacts, monocle).Nanomancer Reborn - I've Become A Snow Girl? · C125
Alice_Zuberg: Looks like Shiro's race is about to be revealed... If I remember Aarim has a class up quest that needs a cooperation between a monster and herself in a dungeon run. Shiro is a monster and this will be revealed sooner as completing the quest means one of their party members is a monster.Nanomancer Reborn - I've Become A Snow Girl? · C125
The_Auditor: Don't worry, i am also making a rewrite of this novel, but with a different power, maybe you will understand there... Also, i can't say when it will come out since i have more than 10 different fanfictions i'm working with, even if only 2 are out hereHail the Ant King · C65
Hail the Ant King · C65
faisalbudeiri: What happened to the anus destroying princess she hasn’t destroyed any anuses or asses for a long timeNanomancer Reborn - I've Become A Snow Girl? · C119
MilkGod: MilkGod's Fact: The earliest recorded case of a man giving up smoking was on April 5, 1679, when Johan Katsu, Sheriff of Turku, Finland, wrote in his diary "I quit smoking tobacco." He died one month later.
Oof, it be like that sometimes.Nanomancer Reborn - I've Become A Snow Girl? · C119
DeadSoil: deleted reviews (14) let's see how much you can handle. Another hypocritical author who deletes ratings because it's true, pathetic. You can delete this too that I can continue until you get tired. Just like your protagonist and your novel you are full of rubbish.just don't waste your time reading this novel, the author got greedy and started writing one filler after another, the novel is now about nothing more than people doubting the protagonist and causing trouble and then he decides to give some beat and then follows the same thing infinitely.Dual Cultivation · C214
Morok: Actually, that’s true. It may not help him, but break him. Like “I can’t change anything anyway, I even couldn’t save my real friend”... also I’m curious how they want to restore his vitality- I think Phloria will want her boyfriend back and not in “like sixty-year old”Supreme Magus · C222
Jolugo: I can't help but feel like lying to Lith about Protectors death will backfire in some spectacular way down the line.Supreme Magus · C222
Wragged: So, everyone Lith trusts is going to lie to him. This is not going to end well for anyone.Supreme Magus · C222
DrMonotone: Glad people like this dont actually exist, extremism is only fed by failure. The act of failing to revive his dear, dear friend will send Lith even further into his desperate struggles for power. He'll just want more, convince himself to try harder, blame those around him for being weak, and most of all realize the god that watches over them could've helped but didn't and eventually grow to hate it enough to end its pathetic life.Supreme Magus · C222
Amelgar: Lots of moral high ground wrestling... Rather than more loss Lith just needs stability. Instead they manipulate him to what they think is best for him...Supreme Magus · C222
ApocalypseX: What do you mean?Fate Online: Shadow · C10
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