NC18

Lv 1
  • Joined Apr 2019
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Bro, posting this on an art page doesn't help
Your cover art's quality is so poor, it looks stolen
Admins won't even bother to delete your post View More

Daydreamer_5a: thank you po,, I'll strive to do better..

Ball Master
5 months ago
Reading Status: C2
Hey, I'm here from a post from GP, and,
I'm quite disappointed

The story, the characters, the pacing, it's just confusing, and funny how you take story tropes and clichés, and making them more mediocre
(Also, note that I will be focusing on the first chapter here so you know I see your story, even just from the beginning)
From a storytelling perspective, you lack world building skills and character development skills.
Your story suffers from too much exposition dump.
The second paragraph of your first chapter is a line of dialogue said by a character to himself
Given the context of the situation and the state of the character is in, if you were that character, would you honestly ever say anything like that? That isn't dialogue. That's exposition dump.
And why do I get the feeling that making your character too OP and oh, he's despressed, and oh, he wants to commit suicide because he isn't in his prime anymore, and oh he wants to be great, is really a reflection of the author and this is a sad fantasy he wants to lives in.

Your "sketch" looks like a screenshot of a drawing that was copied and posted online multiple times, ruining the the quality. Who even made that? "Ball Master" more like Ball Buster

Also, grammar's all over the place. Too much unneccessary detail, redudancy and just terrible grammar.
"Reminiscence the past"? Really? I could forgive a few minor errors, but that is just funny
Or do you have to explicitly write "ha ha ha" when characters are laughing?
Like this one,
"Don't tease us, Boss... then we also taught NBA superstar like Lebron play basketball.. Ha Ha Ha…!"Accompanied with everyone laughing.
Also this one,
"Ha ha ha…" then everyone laughs again
If you were to add a line like "accompanied with everyone laughing" and "then everyone laughs again", YOU WOULDN'T NEED TO WRITE IN "HA HA HA"
That makes the sentence all the more dumb.

All in all, the worst mistake that your story makes is,
It's boring
It doesn't really appeal to someone if they're not basketball fans themselves.


2/5 View More
Ball Master
6 months ago
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