Samuel_Turner - Profile

Samuel_Turner

male LV 4

boy

2019-05-30 Joined New Zealand

Badges 6

Moments 24

Samuel_Turner
Samuel_Turner
Commented
for most children of his age
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The Divine Entomancer

The Divine Entomancer

Fantasy · FLXYM

Samuel_Turner
Commented
a jacket is usually standard for a mountaineering kit, and usually goes under some things to make them more accessible, like harnesses and bags.
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The Divine Entomancer

The Divine Entomancer

Fantasy · FLXYM

Samuel_Turner
Commented
pale is usually an unhealthy color. a pink tint might suit more, as in darker skins the pink would not be so apparent.
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The Divine Entomancer

The Divine Entomancer

Fantasy · FLXYM

Samuel_Turner
Commented
seemingly usually follows an observation that would lead to this conclusion.

Seemingly, it has been two days since the boy had climbed this tree intending to pluck the fruits of this ancient tree.

The Divine Entomancer

The Divine Entomancer

Fantasy · FLXYM

Samuel_Turner
Commented
a small silhouette climbs the rough wood
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The Divine Entomancer

The Divine Entomancer

Fantasy · FLXYM

Samuel_Turner
Commented
a lone ancient tree would work better, especially as you describe its large measurements immediately after.
This paragraph has been deleted.
The Divine Entomancer

The Divine Entomancer

Fantasy · FLXYM

Samuel_Turner
Commented
add some commas
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The Divine Entomancer

The Divine Entomancer

Fantasy · FLXYM

Samuel_Turner
Commented
benign is an odd word to describe wind, pleasant or sweet might work better
This paragraph has been deleted.
The Divine Entomancer

The Divine Entomancer

Fantasy · FLXYM

Samuel_Turner
Commented
first sentence needs to hook the reader in, I would shift this sentence slightly down, let the next sentence start the story.
This paragraph has been deleted.
The Divine Entomancer

The Divine Entomancer

Fantasy · FLXYM

Samuel_Turner
Commented
village of cottages surrounded by mist, with farmland not far away.
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The Divine Entomancer

The Divine Entomancer

Fantasy · FLXYM

Samuel_Turner
Commented
decreases year after year
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The Divine Entomancer

The Divine Entomancer

Fantasy · FLXYM

Samuel_Turner
Commented
surplus is used to describe a quantity more than what is needed. the word high might be better.
This paragraph has been deleted.
The Divine Entomancer

The Divine Entomancer

Fantasy · FLXYM

Samuel_Turner
Commented
is the farmland in the cities, or is it around them?
This paragraph has been deleted.
The Divine Entomancer

The Divine Entomancer

Fantasy · FLXYM

Samuel_Turner
Commented
the word farmland has been used alot, so try 'in the area' instead. try to keep a list of 2-3 ways of referring to something to separate them and avoid word fatigue.
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The Divine Entomancer

The Divine Entomancer

Fantasy · FLXYM

Samuel_Turner
Commented
the residents of the small village. the way it currently is implies that the villagers were short.
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The Divine Entomancer

The Divine Entomancer

Fantasy · FLXYM

Samuel_Turner
Commented
sentences that start with although need a contrasting statement. try 'Although the level of technology in the village wasn't high, it was better than the other farms in the area.'
This paragraph has been deleted.
The Divine Entomancer

The Divine Entomancer

Fantasy · FLXYM

Samuel_Turner
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