Badges 6
Moments 24
2yr
Commented for most children of his age
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The Divine Entomancer
Fantasy · FLXYM
2yr
Commented a jacket is usually standard for a mountaineering kit, and usually goes under some things to make them more accessible, like harnesses and bags.
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The Divine Entomancer
Fantasy · FLXYM
2yr
Commented pale is usually an unhealthy color. a pink tint might suit more, as in darker skins the pink would not be so apparent.
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The Divine Entomancer
Fantasy · FLXYM
2yr
Commented seemingly usually follows an observation that would lead to this conclusion.
Seemingly, it has been two days since the boy had climbed this tree intending to pluck the fruits of this ancient tree.
The Divine Entomancer
Fantasy · FLXYM
2yr
Commented a small silhouette climbs the rough wood
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The Divine Entomancer
Fantasy · FLXYM
2yr
Commented a lone ancient tree would work better, especially as you describe its large measurements immediately after.
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The Divine Entomancer
Fantasy · FLXYM
2yr
Commented add some commas
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The Divine Entomancer
Fantasy · FLXYM
2yr
Commented benign is an odd word to describe wind, pleasant or sweet might work better
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The Divine Entomancer
Fantasy · FLXYM
2yr
Commented first sentence needs to hook the reader in, I would shift this sentence slightly down, let the next sentence start the story.
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The Divine Entomancer
Fantasy · FLXYM
2yr
Commented village of cottages surrounded by mist, with farmland not far away.
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The Divine Entomancer
Fantasy · FLXYM
2yr
Commented decreases year after year
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The Divine Entomancer
Fantasy · FLXYM
2yr
Commented surplus is used to describe a quantity more than what is needed. the word high might be better.
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The Divine Entomancer
Fantasy · FLXYM
2yr
Commented is the farmland in the cities, or is it around them?
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The Divine Entomancer
Fantasy · FLXYM
2yr
Commented the word farmland has been used alot, so try 'in the area' instead. try to keep a list of 2-3 ways of referring to something to separate them and avoid word fatigue.
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The Divine Entomancer
Fantasy · FLXYM
2yr
Commented the residents of the small village. the way it currently is implies that the villagers were short.
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The Divine Entomancer
Fantasy · FLXYM
2yr
Commented sentences that start with although need a contrasting statement. try 'Although the level of technology in the village wasn't high, it was better than the other farms in the area.'
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The Divine Entomancer
Fantasy · FLXYM
2yr
Commented in my opinion, a bit too much use of dreams. one after the other without something to break them up makes for awkward reading.
ch 0 1 A Meet With Lady Violet
The Divine Entomancer
Fantasy · FLXYM
2yr
Commented nice buildup. still issues with sentence structure, but still readable.
ch 0 1 The Father of Kai Entoma
The Divine Entomancer
Fantasy · FLXYM
2yr
Commented great start. the writing is a little messy, but seems easy to fix. to the author, keep an eye on sentence structure, as they are currently making this hard to read. I'll put a paragraph comment on the worse ones once I've read the avaliable chapters.
ch 0 1 The Mysterious Fruit
The Divine Entomancer
Fantasy · FLXYM
Samuel_Turner
ch 0 1 Wants To Learn Cooking?
The Divine Entomancer
Fantasy · FLXYM