Roko192

JohnnyKbca: To illustrate how you can mess up because of your native language, I said "commit mistakes" instead of "make mistakes", which would be the correct one in that situation. That doesn't mean you shouldn't work to improve your grammar, just that you shouldn't beat yourself over if one mistake or another slip through.

He wanted a normal life, but ended up as a hero

Roko192

JohnnyKbca: Keep in mind that this review is just from the 2 chapters which were available at the time.

When reviewing, I always give each category one extra star to the score. Except for newbie writers, who receive two stars, which seems to be your case.

Writing Quality 2: Some missing punctuation, or spaces between the punctuation and the quote mark. e.g: ("Morning? ")

Such grammar mistakes can be somewhat corrected using correction tools such as Grammarly.

A deeper problem is that the sentences feel weird. As if they had been badly translated from another language. Unfortunately, it takes time to solve this problem unless you manage to get an editor.

My tip is to read more books in English, read articles, watch tv shows, etc. And be aware that you will always commit some mistakes. I'm always mixing up "in", "on" and "at" because in my native language they're all the same preposition.

Stability of Updates 5: Personally, I don't like this category, as sometimes the writer needs more time to finish up a chapter, but may end up sacrificing the quality to keep the release rate, so I always give it a 5.

Story Development 2: Barely any build-up from MC arriving home to finding his mother murdered, and it transmits zero emotion when describing it.

The reader doesn't even know the family, and they're already supposed to feel for their death. Makes it feel like they're just a plot device, and even worse; a cheap one.

Here's an example of how you could improve it:

"I am back. Sorry for my delay."

There was no reply. Weird, usually Mom welcomes me as soon as I announce my arrival. Must be in the bath or something.

I shouted again just to be sure and the result was the same. Whatever, I'll just grab something to eat in the kitchen and play some games in my room.

I closed the door behind me and was taking off my shoes when the smell hit me. It had a metallic scent but was also a bit sweet... what was that smell? It was oddly familiar, I just couldn't put my finger on what it was.

The shoes were off and I was too lazy to take off the socks. Mom always complains about it, but fortunately, she doesn't seem to be here.

I made my way down the hallway towards the source of the smell and arrived in the dark living room.

"Shit," I cursed after stumbling on something. "Dammit, why are the lights off?"

After accidentally kicking what I guess was the TV remote I reached the light switch and flicked it on. "Why is all this stuff on the... floor..."

The remote wasn't the only thing on the floor, it was like a hurricane had come through the living room.

The kotatsu had been turned over and was resting against the wall where the painting had been knocked down.

Where the end table used to be, now was a pile of books from the bookcase that had its shelves broken with the table being nowhere in sight. The TV was still in place, but its screen had been smashed by a flying vase.

In the center of all this mayhem was a pool of red under a motionless body.

"...mom?"

Of course, this is just an example and there are various ways you can choose to improve the scene. Even removing the chapter entirely may work out depending on how you write.

Character Design 2: From the first paragraphs, but especially from the title, it seemed as this was another story about MC who just wanted to be normal but was cursed to be an OP hero in a fantasy world.

Then he finds his family murdered and barely grieves for them, he goes straight to swearing revenge (which kinda confirms what I said previously about they being a plot device).

THEN, he's transported to an unknown place, finds himself tied up and he still manages to lose himself admiring the woman who happens to be his captor. Who also, for all he knows, is the one who killed his family. The man clearly knows his priorities.

It feels like the MC's character design will be just a collection of anime cliches.

World Background 5: I give this one a 5 not because it was good, but because it didn't have a chance to show up. Both the 1st and 2nd chapter were focused on the story with some minimal character display, so I'll give this one the benefit of the doubt.

Review score (2+5+2+2+5)/5 = 3.2
Score given = (4+5+4+4+5)/5 = 4.4

He wanted a normal life, but ended up as a hero

Roko192

JohnnyKbca: Keep in mind that this review is just from the 2 chapters which were available at the time.

When reviewing, I always give each category one extra star to the score. Except for newbie writers, who receive two stars, which seems to be your case.

Writing Quality 2: Some missing punctuation, or spaces between the punctuation and the quote mark. e.g: ("Morning? ")

Such grammar mistakes can be somewhat corrected using correction tools such as Grammarly.

A deeper problem is that the sentences feel weird. As if they had been badly translated from another language. Unfortunately, it takes time to solve this problem unless you manage to get an editor.

My tip is to read more books in English, read articles, watch tv shows, etc. And be aware that you will always commit some mistakes. I'm always mixing up "in", "on" and "at" because in my native language they're all the same preposition.

Stability of Updates 5: Personally, I don't like this category, as sometimes the writer needs more time to finish up a chapter, but may end up sacrificing the quality to keep the release rate, so I always give it a 5.

Story Development 2: Barely any build-up from MC arriving home to finding his mother murdered, and it transmits zero emotion when describing it.

The reader doesn't even know the family, and they're already supposed to feel for their death. Makes it feel like they're just a plot device, and even worse; a cheap one.

Here's an example of how you could improve it:

"I am back. Sorry for my delay."

There was no reply. Weird, usually Mom welcomes me as soon as I announce my arrival. Must be in the bath or something.

I shouted again just to be sure and the result was the same. Whatever, I'll just grab something to eat in the kitchen and play some games in my room.

I closed the door behind me and was taking off my shoes when the smell hit me. It had a metallic scent but was also a bit sweet... what was that smell? It was oddly familiar, I just couldn't put my finger on what it was.

The shoes were off and I was too lazy to take off the socks. Mom always complains about it, but fortunately, she doesn't seem to be here.

I made my way down the hallway towards the source of the smell and arrived in the dark living room.

"Shit," I cursed after stumbling on something. "Dammit, why are the lights off?"

After accidentally kicking what I guess was the TV remote I reached the light switch and flicked it on. "Why is all this stuff on the... floor..."

The remote wasn't the only thing on the floor, it was like a hurricane had come through the living room.

The kotatsu had been turned over and was resting against the wall where the painting had been knocked down.

Where the end table used to be, now was a pile of books from the bookcase that had its shelves broken with the table being nowhere in sight. The TV was still in place, but its screen had been smashed by a flying vase.

In the center of all this mayhem was a pool of red under a motionless body.

"...mom?"

Of course, this is just an example and there are various ways you can choose to improve the scene. Even removing the chapter entirely may work out depending on how you write.

Character Design 2: From the first paragraphs, but especially from the title, it seemed as this was another story about MC who just wanted to be normal but was cursed to be an OP hero in a fantasy world.

Then he finds his family murdered and barely grieves for them, he goes straight to swearing revenge (which kinda confirms what I said previously about they being a plot device).

THEN, he's transported to an unknown place, finds himself tied up and he still manages to lose himself admiring the woman who happens to be his captor. Who also, for all he knows, is the one who killed his family. The man clearly knows his priorities.

It feels like the MC's character design will be just a collection of anime cliches.

World Background 5: I give this one a 5 not because it was good, but because it didn't have a chance to show up. Both the 1st and 2nd chapter were focused on the story with some minimal character display, so I'll give this one the benefit of the doubt.

Review score (2+5+2+2+5)/5 = 3.2
Score given = (4+5+4+4+5)/5 = 4.4

He wanted a normal life, but ended up as a hero

Roko192

Reborn: The Unexpected Twist

Roko192

Reborn: The Unexpected Twist

Roko192

Jenjibread: I'm going to be completely honest here since you asked ^-^

Personally, I'm not a big fan of how you use parentheses to separate out the MC's thoughts. To me, it's a lot easier to just write it, and since it's first-person narration, as long as you use quotation marks with your actual dialogue it should be fine?

I did, however, like the complete turn of events that happened at the end of the chapter.

Good luck!

He wanted a normal life, but ended up as a hero

Roko192

Jenjibread: I'm going to be completely honest here since you asked ^-^

Personally, I'm not a big fan of how you use parentheses to separate out the MC's thoughts. To me, it's a lot easier to just write it, and since it's first-person narration, as long as you use quotation marks with your actual dialogue it should be fine?

I did, however, like the complete turn of events that happened at the end of the chapter.

Good luck!

He wanted a normal life, but ended up as a hero

Roko192

Crocodile Tears