- 0 d Continuous Writing
- 0.3 h of Reading
- 111 Read books
David_Neilsen
LV 1Badges 4
Moments 246
2yr
Commented You set up the character of Bryan very well, and that of June, as well. We get a good sense as to who they are and even what sort of a relationship they have to one another.
I agree that you don't need quite so much detail in the chapter, it's a bit much.
Your writing needs work, as well. In addition to a lot of back and forth on tenses, you have awkward word useage from time to time, things that just don't sound correct.
I suggest you read this outloud to yourself. You will catch nall sorts of things that you would otherwise miss.
ch 0 1 Prologue (Nightmares)
The Revelation Of Mankind
Fantasy · BlindBandit
2yr
Commented Singing a happy tune that he watched? Perhaps he was singing a happy tune from an old TV show he used to watch? You can't really watch a song. :)
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The Revelation Of Mankind
Fantasy · BlindBandit
2yr
Commented As this is written, I am assuming that Bryan can hear this conversation. I think you mean this is a different scene and not something that Bryan overhears. If so, you need to be sure to set us in a new location.
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The Revelation Of Mankind
Fantasy · BlindBandit
2yr
Commented This sort of works, however (different from the preceeding note) becuase you are telling us what she thinks of him, so she sees him physically. When you described her, you were the narrator, and that's why it felt off.
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The Revelation Of Mankind
Fantasy · BlindBandit
2yr
Commented This description totally demeans the character. Can you describe her without resorting to thinking about her sexually? No woman that I know would ever describe themselves as having a great chest and a plump bosom.
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The Revelation Of Mankind
Fantasy · BlindBandit
2yr
Commented Be careful with your tenses. This started out in past tense, but this paragraph is present tense. Try to stick to one or the other.
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The Revelation Of Mankind
Fantasy · BlindBandit
2yr
Commented You have a lot of tense issues that you need to fix. You run from past to present and back and it throws the reader. Your world is well-imagined, but your characters could stand to be a bit more defined. WHo are these people? What does the boy want?
Also, the first half of this paragraph is prologue/expository. Setting up the world. Maybe think about including a break before you get to the actual action of the story to let us know that we're now following the character.
ch 0 1 Prologue
An Extraordinary Gentleman
Sci-fi · kpthe1
2yr
Commented This seems to come out of nowhere. If what the man said is so offensive, let us know that. Explain why it is offensive. Otherwise, it just feels forced.
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An Extraordinary Gentleman
Sci-fi · kpthe1
2yr
Commented I'd love something more imaginative than Beasts here. I mean we already call things beasts. Maybe Mega-Beasts or Altered Beasts or something like that. Beasts just feels so anti-climactic.
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An Extraordinary Gentleman
Sci-fi · kpthe1
2yr
Commented Stating "Country N" and "Country A" make them sound like placeholders. Name the countries. This is an alternate future story, so it's fine to say Iran nuked America, or Russia nuked Mongolia. Or China nuked Thiland. Or whatever you want to say. But in doing so, you should remember that only a few countries actually have nuclear weapons, so make sure your aggressor is one of those.
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An Extraordinary Gentleman
Sci-fi · kpthe1
2yr
Commented Watch your tenses. You switch from past to present in this paragraph. Read your stuff out loud and you will catch little things like this.
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An Extraordinary Gentleman
Sci-fi · kpthe1
2yr
Commented You're missing a word. It should be "...some giant corporations vied FOR the resources..."
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An Extraordinary Gentleman
Sci-fi · kpthe1
2yr
Commented I would styart this more like "Beginning in the year 2020..." The way you word it makes 2020 not a time period but an entity itself.
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An Extraordinary Gentleman
Sci-fi · kpthe1
2yr
Commented I'd lose the "by the way" bit. Your narrator hasn't been speaking in such a "break the fourth wall" way thus far, and it feels forced.
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Anemones
Urban · Jo_J
2yr
Commented Better than Clooney? Them's fightin' words. :)
He looked younger by at least ten years. ‘But is it enough?’ He wondered. He was giving himself a quick look at the mirror. ‘Yes. Yes... I look better than Clooney himself! No woman can resist me!’ He repeated in his mind, adjusting the tie perfectly matching his blue shirt.
Anemones
Urban · Jo_J
2yr
Commented Genesis works every time.
He changed the music a few times. He hesitated between classic and her favorite progressive rock. He looked through all the Pink Floyd CDs, Genesis, Camel and Wishbone Ash looking for something that would better suit this occasion. Finally, he turned on her favorite Hans Zimmer film scores. He didn't like it that much, but what would you do to impress a woman?
Anemones
Urban · Jo_J
David_Neilsen
Crazy over me
Urban · Lindsy_newton