Webnovel Author: Zero_NHAS - Novel Collection

Not your preferred language? Here to Choose your language.

Zero_NHAS

male LV 2

"Steel is my Body, Fire is my Blood" Well, hello there, Zero here. Just an average writer that is addicted on cyborgs, mechs and guns. I draw stuff and again, I love guns.

2021-03-29 Joined Philippines

Badges 6

Moments 338

Zero_NHAS
Commented
Well, considering that all of the characters have the knowledge that they indeed died (They were all conscious when the bus hit the thing that was not explained, or whatever happened to it), some might just need confirmation from others that they indeed bit the dust. So it is plausible that some might accept that fact (especially those who believe in the afterlife) and be mostly composed.
This paragraph has been deleted.
Death Guns In Another World

Death Guns In Another World

Fantasy · Nickaido

Zero_NHAS
Commented
Once again an interesting chapter. There are parts that need some refining and also clearing up but good nonetheless. Keep it up.
This chapter has been deleted.
When The Heavens Fall

When The Heavens Fall

Fantasy · Alan_Author

Zero_NHAS
Commented
Too much for his character. The prospect of life and death is a serious matter and it takes a toll when we consider that we might get killed any minute. Him immediately embracing the fear of battle is kinda not too believable. Even those who commit suicide hesitate. It would be more believable if he tries to use his determination other than just accepting fear. After all, it would be his first time ever to fight to the death.
This chapter has been deleted.
When The Heavens Fall

When The Heavens Fall

Fantasy · Alan_Author

Zero_NHAS
Commented
This one undermines the worried sentiment earlier. You can add "... Deep in his mind, he felt like he would enjoy this new world." if you want to keep it. It's a good characterization though but should be used correctly so he can still be believable.
This chapter has been deleted.
When The Heavens Fall

When The Heavens Fall

Fantasy · Alan_Author

Zero_NHAS
Commented
Again, the connection got cut here. Instead of being excited, it would be more fitting for him to be determined. He is after all worried that his family would struggle. You can add the excited bit as an afterthought.
This chapter has been deleted.
When The Heavens Fall

When The Heavens Fall

Fantasy · Alan_Author

Zero_NHAS
Commented
Wouldn't their Tech level also get transferred with them? Like guns and the like?
This chapter has been deleted.
When The Heavens Fall

When The Heavens Fall

Fantasy · Alan_Author

Zero_NHAS
Commented
This would be better before him saying 'status.'
This chapter has been deleted.
When The Heavens Fall

When The Heavens Fall

Fantasy · Alan_Author

Zero_NHAS
Commented
This part here can be communicated more when you used your character's own knowledge to come to a conclusion. As he was described, he has experience with LNs and anime stuff and so you can just make him realize that he is now in similar circumstances with the MCs of the LNs he read. That will help you trim down the internal monologue and have more space for his worries, namely his family and their situation. Oh and good job including that worrying part makes him more human and believable.
This chapter has been deleted.
When The Heavens Fall

When The Heavens Fall

Fantasy · Alan_Author

Zero_NHAS
Commented
The sentiment of the character is kinda late. Also if he already has a concept of the 'System' then he would ask a different question.
This chapter has been deleted.
When The Heavens Fall

When The Heavens Fall

Fantasy · Alan_Author

Zero_NHAS
Commented
Oh and too edgy. Normal people, even loners would get confused at sudden happenings that do not take place normally in their normal life.
This chapter has been deleted.
When The Heavens Fall

When The Heavens Fall

Fantasy · Alan_Author

Zero_NHAS
Commented
The connection from the ending of the first chapter broke. You should always include that if what happened to the characters happened immediately after the previous events. You can add "As the voice that was heard by everyone finished, Alan found himself surrounded by darkness..."
This chapter has been deleted.
When The Heavens Fall

When The Heavens Fall

Fantasy · Alan_Author

Zero_NHAS
Commented
I think it's a good start for the first chapter. There are some interesting things that set's up the stage for a grand plot, though I would say that there are some ideas that can be communicated more clearly and also interactions that need more refining.
This chapter has been deleted.
When The Heavens Fall

When The Heavens Fall

Fantasy · Alan_Author

Zero_NHAS
Commented
Panic wouldn't start immediately, confusion first. Oh and again, weird interaction between Cathrine the MC.
This chapter has been deleted.
When The Heavens Fall

When The Heavens Fall

Fantasy · Alan_Author

Zero_NHAS
Commented
His answer is not related to the question. That would make it awkward. Advice in making dialogs, imagine yourself watching that dialog, or maybe the one receiving them. If it doesn't look good or sounds weird and kinda off, then think of another one cause it would be weird and off. Oh and also try watching how people talk to each other for more reference.
This chapter has been deleted.
When The Heavens Fall

When The Heavens Fall

Fantasy · Alan_Author

Zero_NHAS
Commented
Weird. That's all I can say.
This chapter has been deleted.
When The Heavens Fall

When The Heavens Fall

Fantasy · Alan_Author

Zero_NHAS
Commented
Is she his homeroom adviser? If not then it's weird. Normally, Homeroom advisers do the 'calling to office and talking about personal stuff' thingy. Unless the teacher and student are really close and have a connection, namely family relation or mentorship.
This chapter has been deleted.
When The Heavens Fall

When The Heavens Fall

Fantasy · Alan_Author

Zero_NHAS
Commented
His response here sounds like he knew the guy for a long time. It kinda contras with his Anti-social attitude earlier. That or is he has a cocky tendency. Though I suggest toning it down a little so it would fit him as a character.
This chapter has been deleted.
When The Heavens Fall

When The Heavens Fall

Fantasy · Alan_Author

Zero_NHAS
Commented
Clearly a Protag. XD Oh also chair not bench. That would be a big classroom if they have benches for chairs. XD
This chapter has been deleted.
When The Heavens Fall

When The Heavens Fall

Fantasy · Alan_Author

Zero_NHAS
Commented
This part is kinda weird when you consider the part before it. To help it have more connection to the previous part, you can do this; "As he went and rode to school his thoughts came back from when he was training earlier. '(His thoughts)'."
This chapter has been deleted.
When The Heavens Fall

When The Heavens Fall

Fantasy · Alan_Author

Zero_NHAS
Commented
To emphasize the last part and make it more clear, you can do this. "... Though worst than the spear was the eyes of the boy starring straight at him."
This chapter has been deleted.
When The Heavens Fall

When The Heavens Fall

Fantasy · Alan_Author

Report user