- 0 d Continuous Writing
- 115.4 h of Reading
- 127 Read books
Foxner
male LV 13Heyo. Foxner here. Just saying hello to the world... Hello~ P.S. My old username was Flounder62. Decided to change things up.
2021-05-07 Joined GlobalBadges 12
Moments 219
9mth
Replied to femme_fatale Lol, glad you enjoyed it!
Well, this is just a mess.
Below The Black Sun
Fantasy · Foxner
9mth
Replied to De_Prodigy I'll be honest. I usually try to stay away from romance novels. Most of the romance novels I've read were by accident. I went into many of them thinking they were just fantasy novels, but by the time I realized they were romance, it was too late; I was already hooked, unable to put the book down. Like Thrown of Glass by Sarah J. Maas. Oh, Air Awakens by Elise Kova was also one of the romance series I was tricked into reading. Man, that one hurt so much and I couldn't put it down. Although I never read the last book in the series, I could tell where it was going and I didn't think my heart could take another heartbreak.
P1: The Clash
MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
Fantasy · De_Prodigy
9mth
Commented Your prolog is good. A lot of people will pick up a book and give it 5-10 minutes to see if they like it. I think yours will do a good job of getting readers interested in reading more.
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MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
Fantasy · De_Prodigy
9mth
Commented Consider an em dash so she is cut off instead of trailing of on her dialog.
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MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
Fantasy · De_Prodigy
9mth
Replied to Foxner Just in case you are curious. I am an astrophysics major at university.
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MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
Fantasy · De_Prodigy
9mth
Commented Just a pet peeve of mine as I am a scientist. People don't just randomly spit out blood. They have to have some internal bleeding for that to happen; the bleeding had to have happened somewhere in the mouth area or the lungs. I get it is common in anime, but I just wanted to point this out.
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MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
Fantasy · De_Prodigy
9mth
Commented Consider the other characters launching attacks, too, and having the crystal render everything into oblivion simultaneously
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MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
Fantasy · De_Prodigy
9mth
Commented Again, be careful with what you write during this part, this seems to be the climax of the chapter and you don't want to distract people from the tension. This is also a fast pace moment and the narrative should reflect this nature. Remember that the main focus in fights is adding tension and suspense, not describing the alluring looks of a character unless if it is important for the fight.
Keep in mind, what I said is just my opinion. At the end of the day, it is your novel, you can write it however you want. It is an art that is individual to each author.
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MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
Fantasy · De_Prodigy
9mth
Commented Some exposition here that might need refinement. I get that it's probably foreshadowing or important for a future chapter, but consider removing this exposition or moving it somewhere else. This is a tense moment, and it takes away from the tension.
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MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
Fantasy · De_Prodigy
9mth
Commented I recommend refining this paragraph a bit.
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MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
Fantasy · De_Prodigy
9mth
Commented Since this is a fast-paced moment, I recommend combining this paragraph with the previous one. I also recommend removing the part that says the energy attack had the upper hand. Here is an example of what you can do: '...The crystal's energy sliced through the first barrier, plunging immediately into a confrontation with the unseen second. Shards of the demolished first barrier plummeted to the ground, a testament to the cataclysmic power of the energy. The standoff between the crystal's raw energy and the resilient second barrier resulted in a stalemate, their struggle sending waves of energy rippling across the room.'
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MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
Fantasy · De_Prodigy
9mth
Commented Same here. Unless the bubble is being deformed.
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MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
Fantasy · De_Prodigy
9mth
Commented Consider removing 'bubble' at the end. It can be seen as a bit repetitive since you already said that the barrier was a bubble in the previous paragraph.
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MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
Fantasy · De_Prodigy
9mth
Replied to Foxner But TBH, its just a matter of style. If you want to use sonic icons, then you can do that (sonic icons mean words that represent sounds, think of POW, BANG, or HAHA)
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MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
Fantasy · De_Prodigy
9mth
Commented I'd probably end the dialog at 'mercy?' and then go on to describe the laugh, then finish with the dialog 'Dream on!'.
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MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
Fantasy · De_Prodigy
9mth
Commented Remove the following 2 paragraph breaks.
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MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
Fantasy · De_Prodigy
9mth
Commented I think 'had' might be a better fit
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MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
Fantasy · De_Prodigy
9mth
Commented This is a great opening! It tells you so much in such a small paragraph. Here is an alternative way that aims to heighten the atmosphere of this paragraph. Feel free to use any of it if you want.
"
A harrowing cry echoed through the sprawling castle corridors, its raw desperation bouncing off cold stone walls and richly woven tapestries. It was the wail of a woman, her voice knotted with urgency and anxiety, calling out for...
"
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MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
Fantasy · De_Prodigy
Foxner
MY UNRIVALED BLOODLINES
Fantasy · De_Prodigy