Webnovel Author: Jolan_Hildebrandt

Jolan_Hildebrandt

1yr

Commented

Your descriptions are a bit rough and tell more than they show. It might be better to play with it. Include sensations of the bride

This paragraph has been deleted.

Jolan_Hildebrandt

1yr

Commented

You can easily combine this with the above paragraph because your still talking about that night

Because she had consumed too much alcohol, she couldn’t remember much of what had transpired that night. She didn’t know how she could face Brother Yan.

Full Marks Hidden Marriage: Pick Up a Son, Get a Free Husband

Urban · Jiong Jiong You Yao

Jolan_Hildebrandt

1yr

Commented

This doesn't make sense. You can't catch a cold from the cold. You can catch hyperthermia or pneumonia, just saying I live in a place where it gets -50 sometimes

"Hey, wake up… the air conditioning is cold here. Don’t sleep or you’ll catch a cold —"

Full Marks Hidden Marriage: Pick Up a Son, Get a Free Husband

Urban · Jiong Jiong You Yao

Jolan_Hildebrandt

1yr

Posted

You have a great story idea, and I'm sure you've improved since the first chapter. You didn't choke the first chapter with exposition, thank you for that. Too many authors get excited and fill the page with things that could easily be woven into the story. You stayed on point and kept the story moving at a decent pace. However, what got me were the weak verbs and the constant telling. Take some time to bone up on show vs tell and your piece will shine

Jolan_Hildebrandt

1yr

Commented

Try to avoid words like looked and walked, they serve their purpose and everything, but words like scanned, raked, stared have more action to them

The man's eyes looked at the back of the room.

Jolan_Hildebrandt

1yr

Commented

nice way to bring the setting in

It was a small study filled with all kinds of books, scriptures, tomes, and papers. An unbelievably soft, violet carpet was strewn across the ground, and a cozy fire crackled in the fireplace.

Jolan_Hildebrandt

1yr

Commented

I'd find a way to combine this paragraph with the above, your still talking about the same person

Even though he had white hair, there were no wrinkles on his face. If one only looked at his face, one might believe that he was rather young.

Jolan_Hildebrandt

1yr

Commented

do you really need this?

Someone knocked on a wooden door.

Jolan_Hildebrandt

1yr

Commented

I know this story is fast food of the literary world, but you spend more time telling than showing. I actually like the story idea, but you often repeat ideas in the same paragraphs. Some minor edits could help this story shine brighter than it already does

ch 0 1 Prologue

Jolan_Hildebrandt

1yr

Posted

This book shows promise but why do you hesitate to name characters? I had no idea who was talking to who in the first chapter. Also you might want to check over your paragraphs and slim them down.

Jolan_Hildebrandt

1yr

Commented

IS there something wrong with naming the character in the scene

He scoffed and smiled, four fingers on the cellphone his pinkie grazing his lip. "Like last time?"

Jolan_Hildebrandt

1yr

Commented

you might want to edit this paragraph a little

Shoes to the side of the closed room door. The right shoe sticking out enough to cause whoever dares walk in to stumble. One sock on the left shoe and the other very close to the chair by the bathroom. A chair that moved around the room a lot. Two pairs of trousers on the floor beginning a trail. A pair of boxers to the left, a sweat shirt to the right, a jacket that didn't quite stick the landing to the bed; the sleeves made the leap miraculously. The trail should have ended there, except there was another shirt and another jacket both hanging over a desk chair. Laptop screen light beaming on his desk, s subtle sign of an email received. "Mmhmm." He said. "Because?" He asked, reclining in his desk chair, feet propped up on his desk, one hand feeling the fabric of his cool to the touch jacket. "That's the coloryou want?"

If And Maybe

Urban · Kay Lillyt

Jolan_Hildebrandt

1yr

Replied to Firelorn_P_King

That is the most helpful thing someone has said to me thus far so thank you

The Eidolon and I

Action · Jolan_Hildebrandt

Jolan_Hildebrandt

1yr

Replied to Nikola_Niko

But I'm about the best story I can produce

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Guardians of Nightmares

Fantasy · Nikola_Niko

Jolan_Hildebrandt

1yr

Replied to Nikola_Niko

IF I read a chapter and I think it sucks, I'll scrap it and start over

This paragraph has been deleted.

Guardians of Nightmares

Fantasy · Nikola_Niko

Jolan_Hildebrandt

1yr

Replied to Nikola_Niko

you should see how hard I am on myself

This paragraph has been deleted.

Guardians of Nightmares

Fantasy · Nikola_Niko

Jolan_Hildebrandt

1yr

Replied to Nikola_Niko

I come hard core critique groups it's all about improvement. It's habit more than anything. I am always about doing better

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Guardians of Nightmares

Fantasy · Nikola_Niko

Jolan_Hildebrandt

1yr

Posted

Okay you've choked your prose with words. Find ways to clarify what you're trying to say. I found myself confused here and there. I'm sure you've gotten better at this over time.

The Drowning Alpha

Fantasy · kerryn

Jolan_Hildebrandt

1yr

Commented

How did no one hear Gal's tirade? Jordan's hot temper and devil-may-care attitude caused conflict on more than one occasion.

Gal was sure everyone near would hear her yelling and they might think she was yelling at someone of her age, but no! it was her hot-blooded kid brother who had sworn to always walk out of her whenever she was talking to him. It was as if every kid's mind was placed in his, he is hot-tempered, stubborn, and what he always loves to call himself 'crazy.'

The Drowning Alpha

Fantasy · kerryn

Jolan_Hildebrandt

1yr

Posted

Some power verbs and sentence variety would give this some more power. Don't overuse capitals, as anger is a great way to reveal character. Don't be afraid to name characters. I think names make them a little more real. Other than that a solid effort.

Guardians of Nightmares

Fantasy · Nikola_Niko

Webnovel Author: Jolan_Hildebrandt - Novel Collection

Badges 6

Moments 288

Utilizing a mafia boss

Full Marks Hidden Marriage: Pick Up a Son, Get a Free Husband

Full Marks Hidden Marriage: Pick Up a Son, Get a Free Husband

Sword God in a World of Magic

Sword God in a World of Magic

Sword God in a World of Magic

Sword God in a World of Magic

Sword God in a World of Magic

Becoming Dungeon Fodder

If And Maybe

If And Maybe

If And Maybe

The Eidolon and I

Guardians of Nightmares

Guardians of Nightmares

Guardians of Nightmares

Guardians of Nightmares

The Drowning Alpha

The Drowning Alpha

Guardians of Nightmares

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