Webnovel Author: Eldritch_Umbra - Novel Collection

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Eldritch_Umbra

Eldritch_Umbra

male LV 1
2021-10-20 Joined United States

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Eldritch_Umbra
Eldritch_Umbra
Posted
Given that English isn't your first language, I'll keep comments on grammar brief. First, You shouldn't use numbers in place of words. (10 men becomes ten men) Next, Punctuation and capitalization need some work. Descriptions of objects or actions also need work. Now onto the real issues. Pacing and storytelling. First of all, the way this is paced is choppy and random. The opening line is effectively pointless, as the narrator asks the reader to sit down and let them tell a story, but then immediately forces the reader to listen whether they want to or not, thus undoing everything the first part of the sentence was trying to do. Next, the protagonist's background. The opening monologue about people and how they hurt people is not really portrayed well in the following story that we are told. We are told that this kid had a rough life, but are then immediately told that his childhood was good. Yes, a bad thing did eventually happen to the protagonist, but it either took you too long to tell us, or you should have worded things differently. As for pacing, you randomly introduce events in this kids life at such a speed that it feels like I'm reading a bullet list of things that happen, rather than anything actually happening. 2.6/5
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Eldritch_Umbra
Eldritch_Umbra
Posted
Well, I've read all the way through to the most recent update, that being chapter six. And other than updating often, I cannot say anything is good about this book. That's not to say that there's no potential, or anything like that, as there is. I'll come back to that later. The grammar in this book is just horrible. First off, do not use numbers in place of words. (Example: 17 years old --> Seventeen years old) Next, do not give us the location like this: "The home" This is not the correct way to give a location. Do something more like this: "Meanwhile, back at x's house." You also need to space your paragraphs and your dialogue. Do not deliver multiple lines of dialogue from separate characters in the same paragraph. Example:( "Hello, X" Y said as he shook X's hand. "Nice to meet you, Y") Then you continue from there, spacing out each person's dialogue, along with whatever else you want to put after that, be it an action or description or whatever. Also, you need to work on your descriptions, as your descriptions are quite boring as of now. Use stronger words, and then work your sentence structure. Now, there's a lot more wrong with this story, and most of that stems from the story itself. How? Well, it's an absolute mess. Not only is there no foreshadowing for anything that happens, the story is filled with random events that don't feel connected in the slightest. You move way too fast, and we never get any kind of connection or understanding of the characters. And that's with six chapters to get to know them. We have little to no background on the world, and things just happen with no rhyme or reason behind them. For example, the ending of the first chapter proves pretty much all my points. To avoid spoilers, the ending comes out of nowhere and not in a good way. The dialogue is not very good, and most of it involves pointless swearing. So, how could it be improved? Well, one could start by slowing down a little bit, and giving the reader some time to get to know the characters and world. Next, descriptions and dialogue could be improved. There are tons of videos and resources out there that can help. Finally, Grammar needs some massive tune ups. Grammar isn't just spelling, it's also sentence structure and spacing and punctuation. Would I recommend this story to anyone? Not as it is right now, so no. 2.0/5
Eldritch_Umbra
Commented
Use a period instead of a comma at the end of the last sentence
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Eldritch_Umbra
Commented
Dude, you're using commas wrong again.
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Eldritch_Umbra
Posted
I will start by saying that I do not like the harem genre. This story did not improve my opinion of this genre, but it did not lower it either. That said, there are a few issues I have with this book. First, the capitalization in this book is awful. Capitals go at the start of a sentence, and are only present in this book about a third of the time. Next, commas are handled incorrectly here. Do not use a comma to end a sentence and start a new paragraph. So, none of this: I jumped, out of bed. Either keep going after using the comma and finish the sentence, or use that sentence to start the next paragraph. Next, so words are used improperly here. One does not jump "off" of bed, they jump "out", as they were "in" the bed and not "on" it to begin with. Descriptions in this story could use some work, as they are often vague, mundane or the words used are weak. The character designs are fine, very, uh, anime. Which this book is based off of. As for the story's development, it's a train wreck. The story moves much too fast for a book with fairly short chapters, and these reveals (no spoilers) like certain characters being from another world are not set up in the slightest and feel random at best. Which brings me to another issue. Execution. From what I've gathered, this story is meant to be satire of sorts, a joke about harem anime. However, it only does the exact same things it's trying to make fun of, and thinks that because it's in on the joke, that it's funny. It's not. When you're trying to make fun of something as absurd as the harem anime genre, you need to do something new, as the harem anime genre takes shots at it's self literally all the time. In short, the intention was lost in translation due to a lack of doing anything that hadn't been done before, and not doing anything that had been done before as well as I have seen it done. Finally, the world building for this story is quite bad, in the sense that there is next to none. In the second chapter, Murata slams his head against a tree until it bleeds and does not react in any meaningful way until called out by another character. It was not established if this world has the "toon force" of most anime and manga, which would mean that our MC has given himself brain damage for no reason. (Mc is dead and hallucinating all this stuff. That's my game theory.) All jokes aside, I need to talk about the characters. Or, the anime tropes they are that happen to also be people. One of my biggest issues with this book is that all of the characters are just like a harem anime character, in the sense that they have no character, and are just one trait that always leads to the same joke, which proves to be unfunny every time after it's first use. Murata, for example. He is little more than the "Nice guy harem MC". Yes, he is supposed to be that, but he also does not stand out in the slightest, and I often forget that he's the protagonist, due to him mostly standing around and letting the girls steal the show by doing something sexual or generally creepy. Seriously. One of them literally knocked MC unconscious and then all three of them dragged him to their apartment and one of them is said to have "used him as a body pillow" while he was unconscious. Not only is this creepy as hell, it also continues for the whole story to this point, because sexual harassment and borderline assault is the funniest shit ever apparently. Now, that's not to say the story is all bad. I can at least follow the plot, and the English is readable. That's more than I can say for some of the other books I've read, so... that's a plus. Next, a lot of my issues with this story could be easily fixed. Grammar could be run through an editor bot or by an editor, the plot could be reconstructed to make more sense and perhaps slowed down some, and the world could be explained quite easily. The characters could be difficult. Either this story is meant to be "just another trashy harem" like the description says, in which case this is not an issue, or it's meant to be it's own thing under the guise of a trashy harem story, which would mean the characters would have to actually become characters. Overall, while not the worst harem content out there, it's not very good either. However, there is potential and the story updates regularly, which is good. 2.8/5. or a 5.5/10
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Replied to Altered_Beast
How so?

"Wait, you can't control my body?" Felix may have been distracted, but even he wouldn't miss something that important. The Wendigo fell mostly silent, grumbling to itself. He took one final look at those beloved bones, and then began to push the dirt back in.

Eldritch Bleak

Eldritch Bleak

Horror · Eldritch_Umbra

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