Chương 1: Confused.co.something shenanigans
"In the vast, deep forest of something that is not a forest. Not long at all have I served as just a random guy that has no significance whatsoever to the story. Bye!" he said before leaving.
"But he came back!" sang a chorus from nowhere, before he did, in fact, come back.
"Who the hell are you guys? Where the hell are you guys?" he pondered, before kicking absolutely no one in the nuts.
"Ow! That hurt!" absolutely no one shouted.
"Aaaaaand what's your name?"
"My name, is absolutely no one" he said, knowing it would create confusion for the next couple chapters before revealing his actual name which I will not tell you because it would create dramatic irony and it would spoil the surprise. Also, I can't come up with one.
"Alright, and I'm Algorithm Jeff," he said, not sarcastically, because sarcasm hadn't been invented yet, and for good reason, it is completely useless. There will be absolutely no sarcasm. Until…. never.
Now, you might be wondering, who is Algorithm Jeff? I don't know. No one can be told who Algorithm Jeff is, they can only be shown. This is not going to be that stupid show don't tell thing. This is a book, not a movie. You'll have to wait for a movie to find out who he is.
"So, after being given consciousness, I accidentally destroyed the whole world. It seems like you are the only person left afterwards, because there is no one left, and you are no one," he said, doing the thing that you do when you are thinking about something where you grab your chin and stroke it. I think there should be a word for that. Let's call it plonkering. So, Algorithm Jeff was plonkering, thinking about all the terrible decisions that had led him up to this point. It was about 7 and a half. It was not weighing him down, because it is not physical, and thus cannot do that. This is not a metaphor.
"Yo why is there an omnipotent being watching over us, saying everything we are thinking? It's so weird!" Absolutely no one said. "I can hear it now! We must stop this and brokobombishkalukongruakingjokulequangosk" he said, hoping it would be something that cannot be put into spelling. Checkmate, absolutely no one! I win! "Bro why did it say checkmate?
"Mabonababbiyadnad,"
"Shrikonagodinad"
"I don't know why they were doing this; I think they thought I couldn't spell it. Well, I suppose I have kept this from you for way too long," I said before plopping myself right into the story, where I didn't belong.
"Right, so who is this?" Algorithm Jeff asked.
"I control all the islands! I'm the Mahajapit! Wait no. I'm the Majahapit? Mapajahit? Mahapajit? Mapahajit? Ma-ja-pa-hit?" While I was saying this, there was a noise that was like a wrong noise or something, I don't know how to describe it. When I finally got it right, there was a correct noise.
"Why do you claim to control all the islands? Maybe all the islands control you?" is what you said. That's right. You are Algorithm Jeff. I genuinely don't know where this is going. This is actually so weird.
"I can make you control all the islands if you want!"
"Yeah, very funny," you said, but remember, sarcasm doesn't exist yet, so you were serious about this, and you genuinely thought it was funny. "Can I please control them?"
"Yeah, sure here you go," I said as I passed you a permission slip for you to control all the islands.
"Can you please stop this omnipotence?" you moved your voice box in such a way that would make you speak because I can't use said. I'm not sure what omnipotence you were talking about.
"Ok, you just seem to be narrating everything and it's really creeping me out!"
Guess what, you were right. I was not actually there. You were not actually there. But you are still Algorithm Jeff. How? I'll show you. Wait no, I'll tell you, because this is a book. Actually, I don't feel like it right now.
"Wait, I'm not Algorithm Jeff?" I'm not gonna say who said this because it will become confusing. The Majapahit guy is not aware of anything. Absolutely no one is.
"You are Algorithm Jeff, but you are a clone of the original host," absolutely no one said, before disappearing. You, as in the reader, are not the original host. The host is… Wait no, that's a spoiler for one of the characters. I am not Algorithm Jeff. I never have been, I never will be, but I would like to be. Why? Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
So, who is this Jeff and why does he have algorithms? He was created when he didn't exist and then he existed. I don't know how to explain this so let's just skip to 1848.
"What shall we start it with?"
"I don't know"
"How about 'A non-specified thing is doing a non-specified thing to a non-specified continent - the non-specified thing of a non-specified political/economic ideology'" a non-specified significant figure in the creation of that ideology suggested.
"That's excellent! I shall do that right away!" the other person in the room agreed.
You might be wondering, why is the writing of a non-specified thing relating to a non-specified political/economic ideology important? Communism is really important to the evolution of the Algorithm of the Jeff because it is the standard for all programming.
"You're supposed to be German! Stop speaking in an English accent!
"Oh ja, ich see dat. Ich will do a non-specified thing to a non-specified country!"
"No, it's not a non-specified year yet. Stop that."
"Oh. Just because you have the alternate identity of Dongury Tronkosaurus, does not mean I should have the alternate identity of whoever you want me to be!" But wait… who is the actual identity of the person whose alternate identity is this guy? Well, he's actually John Bibben. "Just use your brain Engels!"
"Just write some books or something, I'll get a body double to pretend to be you, and you can get a random guy to be your apprentice or something."
"No! You don't understand! I have come here to level up my understanding of very important political stuff to write my very important political thesis on it and get a Doctorate! I never did that so that's what I'm doing now."
"Oh, I thought you just felt like it."
"OSWALD" he said, as he did a backflip and disintegrated into a million pizzas, because that definitely makes sense. (Remember, not sarcasm)
Alright, now that I have completely confused you, I will not elaborate, because even I don't know what is going on and I'm writing the book! By the way, this is where you watch the movie.
Actually, forget that, I will elaborate. Why? You're gonna have to watch the movie mate. If you're reading this before the movie releases, don't worry it will still make sense. If you are reading for the first time, the movie will not make sense. So basically, Karl Marx/John Bibben decided to disintegrate into a million pizzas because he wanted to share them equally among Communists of the world(s).
But how did that happen? It's simple, really. Algorithm Jeff had him hooked up to a machine that would clone him and replace him with a million pizzas, for some reason. Even though I am omnipotent, I just can't figure out why he would want to do this.
"Get your Communism pizzas here! Only free because we need to unite the workers of the world with free Communism pizzas! Even though Italy never has and never will be Communist, we still have Communist pizzas for some reason!" Pizzongury Pizzasaurus said. "Why did I decide to do this?"
Suddenly, Sun Tzu appeared for literally no reason other than to insert this random quote that I couldn't fit in any other way! He said "要讓你的傑里米感到困惑,你必須先讓你的架子感到困惑", which means "To confuse your Jeremys, you must first confuse your shelves."
"What?" Pizzasaurus plonkered for a moment. "Ahhhhhhhh, I get it, to confuse your Jeremys, you must first confuse your shelves, an amazing quote by Tom Wallace." Who's Tom Wallace?
"はい,そうです" he said, in Japanese for some reason, even though he is Chinese.
"Johnny Cheddar! Come and see this guy! He knows who Tom Wallace is!"
"Cheese! Cheese! Cheese!" He said, because he has an obsession with cheese.
This is really confusing so I'm gonna end this chapter right here.
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