Chương 7: Chap 7- "The Vampire who hates idlers "
I was approximately three minutes into the most peaceful post-XP nap of my life—head tilted back against the village fountain, sun warm, drool respectfully minimal—when chaos, once again, decided I was its favorite subscription service.
Screams rang out and really dramatic gasps. Horses whinnied until someone dropped a turnip.
Ugh.
I cracked one eye open, just enough to see the shadow stretch across the cobbled plaza. Long, flowing cape with slick black boots.
Sharp fangs that glinted way too intentionally in the light.
Great. One of those guys really.
"Lazy mortal," the new arrival hissed, voice laced with centuries of pent-up theatre school rejection.
"You dare lounge while I, Count Vladmar of the Bloodborne Depths, stalk the land for sustenance?"
I sat up just enough to raise an unimpressed eyebrow.
"Bro, it's like… 9 a.m. Can we reschedule this villain monologue for after I've digested breakfast?"
Gasps from the villagers sounded the whole atmosphere.
A child somewhere whispered, "He's talking back to the vampire…"
Meanwhile, I mentally noted that this guy had some serious "dad never hugged me" energy.
Vladmar flared his cape so hard it caused a minor dust storm. "Sloth is the root of rot! It must be purged!"
"Cool speech. Let me know when you find someone who cares," I yawned, reclining once more.
At this point, he was so offended by my horizontal existence he began levitating — always a good sign you've gotten under their skin.
He threw threats and I snarked.
He summoned bats which summoned the will for me to stay awake. Barely.
Then the system chimed.
[New Boss Detected: Mini-Boss – Vladmar the Productivity Vampire (Level 48)]
[Warning: Boss enraged by inactivity.]
"Same, buddy," I muttered, staring up at the sky.
"I get cranky when people disrupt nap time too."
Drama intensified with the vilagers all scattered.
And me?, I just stared lazily at the idiot floating above me, planning my next genius move — which ideally wouldn't involve moving at all.
And just like that, I knew exactly how this was going to go down.
So there I was, lying on the plaza stones like a medieval throw pillow while Vladmar the Cape Enthusiast charged his dramatic, sparkly blood-magic.
"Prepare to be drained of every drop of your lazy essence!"
His voice thundered like he practiced it in a wine cellar with echo settings on max.
Me? I was busy trying to slow my breathing to corpse-levels.
Because if there's one thing this walking goth metaphor made clear—it's that he loathes laziness so much, he won't even waste blood on the dead.
[Passive Skill Activated: Coma Cosplay Lv. 2]
[Effect: Slows pulse, drops body temperature. Warning: You look disturbingly dead.]
Perfect.
The moment his attack launched—a spiraling vortex of red mist and glowing bats—I let my limbs go limp and threw in a nice little neck droop.
Real Oscar-worthy performance.
BOOM.
The ground cracked beside me.
Enforcer-style theatrics, bat swirls, and a gust of "I smell like garlic rejection" aura blasted the villagers back.
But me? I just lay there motionless acting dead.
Breathing once every other minute, probably
You know, like a guy who didn't ask to be in this anime.
Vladmar hovered above me, narrowed his eyes, and sniffed.
"...Already dead? Hmph. Pathetic mortal expired from fear."
Bro actually bought it.
He turned his back with a scoff, cape flapping like he was sponsored by a curtain company.
Behind him, a few NPCs peeked out from barrels and haystacks.
One brave old lady mouthed, "He's faking it, isn't he?" while holding up a broom like it was a holy relic.
The villagers weren't the only ones watching.
The system was, too apparently.
[Achievement Unlocked: Too Lazy To Die]
Reward: +1,500 XP | +10 Bluff Stat | New Title: "Master of the Horizontal Escape"
System Remark: "Unbelievable. But effective."
I would've smirked, but I didn't want to break character.
Vladmar strutted off, basking in his own delusion.
He monologued about his upcoming vampire reign and how laziness was a disease he'd cure with fangs and cardio. Yawn.
Little did he know… I was just getting started. All I had to do now?
Wait.
Because I knew exactly where he was going.
Right toward the sunlight peeking over the village clocktower.
And me?
I was about to pull off the laziest vampire slay in fantasy history… by continuing to do absolutely nothing.
And here's where it gets hilarious
He strutted straight toward the crowd of cowering villagers, stepping right into the only ray of sunlight still touching the plaza.
For a guy who called me lazy, you'd think he'd do some pathfinding .
This was karma disguised as a blessing.
WHOOSH.
Instant ignition.
The vampire screamed like he'd stubbed his immortal toe.
"SUNLIGHT!? NO! CURSE THIS ACCURSED—!"
foosh
—Gone. Vaporized mid-complaint.
I blinked, still lying in my "dead" position.
System Notification: Enemy Defeated - Mini-Boss 'Vlad the Vitality Drainer' Eliminated.
*+20,000 XP Earned
New Title Unlocked: "Passive Predator"
Skill Unlock: "Lethal Laziness (Lv.1)"
I sat up slowly, stretched like I just woke from a catnap, and looked around.
The villagers were staring wide-eyed.
Shocked.
I coughed. "Whew... that took a lot outta me. Brave of me to hold still like that.
Could've gone horribly wrong."
They started clapping.
Clapping.
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes so hard they'd reset the timeline.
"Truly incredible," someone gasped.
"Didn't even flinch," another whispered.
"Such grace," the baker said, openly weeping.
"Like a noble sloth."
I dusted myself off and pulled off a shameless line.
"Just doing my part for you guys "
The system pinged again.
System Notification: Your fame has increased.
Reputation: +100 (Local)
Passive Fame Skill [Sleepy Savior] upgraded.
I groaned internally.
Great.
Another wave of over-excited villagers and more NPCs wanting to thank me probably with bread.
All I wanted was a nap and maybe a slightly warm snack.
But no. Lazy legends, apparently, don't get breaks.
You'd think vaporizing a vampire by doing literally nothing would buy me a little quiet time.
Wrong.
The moment Vlad turned to ash like burnt toast, the whole village exploded into cheers.
Like I'd just slain a dragon by arm-wrestling it with one finger.
Meanwhile, I was still brushing imaginary dust off my sleeves, wondering if I could sneak off before someone handed me a pie.
Spoiler: I could not.
"Hero! Hero!"
"Teach us your secret combat style!"
"Did you study under a master of stillness?"
I blinked slowly. "Yeah.
He was called 'A Couch.' Real silent type."
System Notification: XP Earned – 20,000 XP for defeating a mini-boss.*
Level Up! Current Level: 12 → 17
I swear, if XP had weight, I'd be crushed under it by now.
"Oh mighty one," the elder croaked, waddling up with a cane that looked more dramatic than useful, "you must accept this sacred title bestowed upon you by the village."
Another ping.
Title Unlocked: "Unmoved Defender" – Gain +10% evasion when sitting or lying down during battle.
Perfect. The system gets me.
"Look," I said, raising a hand, "I appreciate the worship, but I really just—"
"Silence, savior!" someone shouted
"He speaks in humble riddles!"
I sighed.
Deeply and philosophicaly stunned.
The baker ran up with a loaf of something steaming and suspiciously misshapen.
"Bread of victory! Freshly kneaded in your honor!"
Oh. So I was getting the bread after all.
"Cool," I muttered, accepting it like I'd just been handed a divine artifact.
"This'll go great with my nap."
System Notification: Fame increased again.
New Passive Trait Unlocked: "Too Famous to Fail" – NPCs will now protect you if your HP drops below 20%.
...Is this a game or a popularity contest?
I tried to retreat. Really, I did.
But every step I took was followed by a chorus of awe and dramatic whispers about my "graceful exit."
All I did was shuffle toward a bench.
I finally collapsed onto it, arms behind my head, eyes closing.
"Let him rest!" the tailor cried. "He needs to recharge his mysterious power!"
Yeah. Power.
That's what we're calling it now.
System Notification: Quest Complete – "Lounge Through a Boss Battle"
Reward: +300 Gold, +1 Skill Point, +New Skill: "Indolent Intuition" – Gain temporary buffs while lying down in danger.
I smiled faintly because this was my kind of skill tree.
As the villagers built a statue (seriously, a statue?) out of hay and mismatched armor pieces in my likeness, I drifted off.
Maybe this lazy hero gig wasn't so bad after all.
Peace.
That rare, elusive phenomenon that only shows up right after something explodes and just before something worse happens.
I was horizontal on my favorite bench, the one with the least amount of bird poop and just enough shade to qualify as "premium seating."
The villagers had finally stopped throwing confetti or bread or whatever else they thought heroes liked.
I was finally alone.
Just me, the breeze, and a system that wouldn't stop pinging.
System Notification: "You are now known across nearby regions as: 'The Slayer Who Sat.'"
Cute.
I stared at the sky, hands tucked behind my head.
No goals and no enemies which means no effort required.
Just that sweet, blissful moment of nothingness.
I started calculating how many naps I could chain together before the next world-ending crisis hit. Three? Maybe four?
Then, of course, the peace started feeling… suspicious.
See, when you've been lazy for this long, you develop a sixth sense for incoming nonsense.
A sort of "uh-oh radar." And mine? It was pinging hard.
The birds had stopped chirping.
The background music had faded into eerie silence.
The breeze? Gone. Suspiciously cinematic.
I sat up halfway and squinted at the horizon. No vampire ashes reforming.
No goblins charging in with no dramatic NPC shouting about "doom approaching."
Yet.
Still, something itched at the edge of my awareness. Like a quest marker just waiting to ruin my mood.
"Don't you dare," I mumbled to the sky.
No response. Which was almost worse than an actual threat.
System Notification: "Rested Buff" Active – +20% XP for next battle. Duration: 1 hour.
"Yeah. That's not ominous at all."
I sighed and laid back down, refusing to let paranoia rob me of my break. If something was coming, it could wait. Or trip over me trying to get here.
Because until then?
I wasn't moving.
So yeah, that's how you take down a vampire without breaking a sweat or even lifting a finger—except maybe to hit "Fake Death."
I'm starting to think this lazy thing might actually work.
Or maybe the universe just hates vampires as much as I do.
Either way, I'm cashing in the XP, snagging the new title, and going right back to what I do best:
absolutely nothing productive until the next disaster decides to crash my nap party.
Because if there's one thing I've learned, it's that in this chaos-filled world, sometimes the best fight is the one you don't have to fight at all.
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