Chapter 3: Finally Getting that drink
Jeff is still staring at me, after my long ass monologue in front of him.
I took the mask off, and beneath it.... yes.... Another mask. But this one clearly shows my eyes, which are starting to get that nice yellow tinge to them, and have been photographed and reported on for the past while. After I got my powers, I went on a country wide crusade of wanton mind twisting power and lightning filled rage, killing countless cat crime committing criminals, castrating civilians cleverly, covering countries in a web of fear. I had to repeat myself, all those c words popped out in a live broadcast police interrogation before I ran the fck away. I thought it was awesome. All they asked was my surrender and I spat that out at them. Actually, I was running whilst saying it. They had to patch together what I said from footage caught by people filming my latest blood filled escapade with their phones, as my speed made it incomprehensible from each individual recording. Anyway, statistically, people aren't messing with cats anymore, and it seems to be spreading to the rest of the world, people are really worried I'll show up near them. I mean, you give a nut job powers like that, you need to expect a fair amount of civil damage unrelated to the work. Cars flying through the air to smash people into paste. Buildings crashing people into paste. Airplanes full of innocents crashing into prisons where known cat offenders are incarcerated, thus making more paste.
I may have gone overboard. I took up drinking again after the novelty wore off.
"Yup Jeff, life is full of cats. Don't fck with them. Got any good stuff around today? I asked if you could order some Sake last time I was here right?"
He looks me over and decides to just power through it, and to sample some of his stock afterwards. Liberally. "Uhm yeah man... The order came through. Your stuff is in the back, I'll get someone to bring it out for you now."
"Cool, you want an autograph while we wait?"
"Uhm, I..I g guess that's fine"
"No problem! I love my fans!", As I climb over the counter and bend Jeff over to sign his ass I notice he starts to shake a little bit, poor guy must be so happy to meet a super hero. Finishing my social obligations I leap over the counter once more and then turn to Jeff, striking a heroic pose and holding my thumb up in the air. "Feel free to brag to your friends and show your family! I'll stop by your facebook page later to see the pictures! Also, you can't shower for the next year, or sit down. I don't want my signature to get smudged or wash away!"
"Urgh, okay dude. By the way, what's your name?"
"Are you serious? You wanted my sig and you didn't even know my name? Not cool man. I'll forgive it this once. My name is Wade! As you can no doubt tell, I was an aspiring layabout who gained the power to do stuff in the name of Justice. And cats. I was very socially inept until I could read minds. I mean, I don't do that, but I could. It's very liberating, seems to have cured my problem of understanding people without actually using it. Maybe that's just confidence? Who knows, what do you think?"
Jeff is starting to sweat now. [Why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut, this fcker is insane. I was making money without a care in the world, now I have to moon my family and friends, post it online and make it public, and I can't shower or sit for a year.... FML]
"Uh, yeah Wade, sorry, you're so uhm, enigmatic and mysterious, no one knows your name, they uhh, only worship you from the shadows. No worries man, lots of fans. I'll make a fan site and spread your name to the masses."
"OH REALLY?! Damn here I was getting lazy again and taking up drinking, stressing that no one appreciated my work. Well, after getting shitfaced today since I've already ordered the stuff, I'll take up my crusade once more! And you'll make a site for me? Fan-fckin-tastic, I'll let you take some shots of me. THEY HAD BETTER BE GOOD SHOTS. Also that facebook posting I asked you for should probably go up, to show I'm friendly."
I hand over the money for today to Jeff, just as the guy from the stockroom brings me my booze.
[Jeff: Oh goddamnit. Now I need to make a website for him, and show my ass to the whole world, everyone will hit up a site for this guy given the current news trend. I have to pretend to be his fan as well, the cops are gonna come busting in here and asking questions. I can't tell them anything in case this insane asshat comes after me. Urgh, I'm sweating just thinking about it, if it runs down to my ass and the signature becomes a mess he'll also come after me. After this I'm never speaking to another client ever again. I don't care if business suffers.]
Jeff shows a painful, twitching smile, and wrings his hands in front of himself. "Yeah man, just give me a few days to sort it out. I'll take some shots quickly"
After which, a montage of shots with Wade posing against racks of alcohol, drinking from his new Sake collection, floating and breaking bottles around his head to show off his powers, roasting the floor into molten slag with his lightning. then waving merrily and skipping away into the distance.
"Hey, Jeff? Boss? Uhm, we've cleaned stuff up, but you'll need a contractor for sure. Anyways, you've been spaced out there for a few hours now since he left. I heard some of that from the back. You should probably go home and relax, then remember to get the website and photo's of your ass going. Uhh, we're all really sorry man. See you tomorrow morning"
Jeff woke up when his employee's walked out the door, tears silently streaming down his face.
............................................
Well, I'm home now. Got my drink on during the walk back, went by the river. Always used to see a lot of cats in that area, but now taken up by homeless guys. Well, I was enjoying my buzz but I can't neglect work. Just in case they were responsible I half roasted everyone I saw before coming back.
"Justice is hard, but you need to keep a firm belief in yourself and your cause, even when you don't find evidence. I'm so glad comics exist to teach me these important life lessons."
Anyways. I can stop the repeating song on my phone now, I have a new lease on life. I clicked off that awesome song, Twenty One Pilots - Stressed out.
"I worked through a lot of stress today, a good day. I should look towards the future. Wonder how that CatAss in the sky is doing? He must be super happy with my work."
"Time to go to bed, all my cute stuffed cat toys." "What? I should take care of myself? Perverts, but I guess I should, self love is the greatest."
I fall asleep after some intense self love with my cat toy audience. Life is good.
Weekly Power Status
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