Chapter 9: EPILOGUE: BEYOND DOUBTS
Is darkness all around me or is it what I've become? What have I been living for?'
2nd of June 2012,
It's been three years since she passed away, and I still grieve for her. I'm now twenty-five years old who still felt the presence of a young boy I used to be. Long lost in time, this boy who thought that life was full of smiles she gave him, but in reality, it's a shadow that he can never forget. All he aims now is to survive in the fast-paced city of Santrock.
Kate's loss took away my reason to live. I couldn't find a way out of this misery. I couldn't even bear to show my face to the funeral because of how hard I took the fact that she's never coming back. I just couldn't accept it.
Every day I feel even more dull and grey. A gnawing emptiness grows bigger inside me...
I spend my time as an alcoholic, drinking my days away, wasting my parent's earnings. As if my sorrows could finally end. Looking back now, I wondered how I existed. What have I been living for? I promised Kate that I'll live for her. I will give my best to continue without her. I know it's for my own good, but the memories that I spent with her is still fresh.
"You see, father, life is unfair. It brings death to those who fulfilled their purpose, but not to the people who deserves to end their meaningless lives..."
The priest said a couple more prayers and responded: My child, I've listened to your stories, I know the Lord is listening with us too. The meaning of life is unquestionably mysterious. Its complexity varies when we find purpose and answers why we exist. It's impossible to determine because life has its way of changing the question. Its characteristics distinguishing physical entities having self-sustaining processes and the rest about it is unknown. It is impossible to define the true meaning of life. Our purpose and existence all tied up with this powerful force, but the true question is, have you ever wondered what your life really means? Maybe I haven't really thought about it… the matter of obstacles and changes? Finding purpose or faith? I haven't live for myself ever since I woke up."
'My role is to guide the wicked to the right direction, but you my child, you're a different case. He gave you another chance to live! You may have gone through difficult times, but it doesn't really matter right now. You haven't reached the top of the mountain yet! He has yet to show you something important, in the near future. God on high will never leave you, my child...'
---
Cursed does the way my life as it is now. Ten years… and all I've ever felt was shame, hatred and regret that I willingly cast upon myself. I carried a burden in my heart. I fall into the shadows of my own despair. I always felt that I needed to be forgiven. But despite all of this, I wish to hope again, try new things, and think my life over. I want to try to move on, just as Kate would've wanted...
I was on my way home to my apartment, just five blocks north of the De Luca Chapel. Along the way, I was forced to walk in a crowded marketplace. I swam through the busy streets, confused and irritated. I was troubled by the different voices from all directions. It gave me an intense headache, making me disoriented and out-of-balance. I just want to be alone.
Suddenly I bumped into an old lady. She was furious and she started yelling at me. I continued to ignore and walk away from her.
'Hey! You can't just walk away from me! You stupid, no-good, street rat, I want an apology for that!' The mean old man said.
'Give the kid some air, can you! Making a scene to humiliate an innocent young man ain't gonna give you profit!' She drove away the old man.
She took a good look at me, 'Joseph, is it really you? How wonderful this is!'
The lady somehow recognizes me. I was surprised, it was my Aunt Marle! She greeted me with lots, and lots of kisses. She took me out for a cup of coffee. Few moments later, we got to a small café. How nostalgic is this place for me. Though I do not actually remember being here, it still feels like I've seen it from a vision or something…
People stared at us as we got ourselves inside. Maybe everyone's got the habit of checking whose entering. Honestly, I'm not use to this hostile feeling, thus I hide my face with a baseball cap. Marle noticed my strange actions quickly and took it off and drags me at the corner-most side of the café.
'Wow this place brings back such good memories…!'
"Have you been here before…?"
'This café was established back when Riverside still exist. Don't you remember going to this place?"
"No… I don't remember much from back then other than-that day…"
'How surprising… I see you've changed so much. I couldn't even recognize you at first. It might be difficult and everything is just a little bit overwhelming for you, but you sure have grown into a fine young man! Don't worry, you'll be okay now. I can take you in and we will stay in my house because that's what family's do-
STOP IT!
"Family!? Where were you, people all this time? You weren't even there for me! I've waited on that bed for days waiting to have a family by my side. It's all me, alone, up to this point!"
Marle tried to hold my hand, but I pushed her away. It was quite a scene. I was at my worst each and every day. My heart grew even darker filled with nothing but hate.
'Joseph please! Let's talk about this… let me explain!'
"No. You can't make me feel better. You can't make me laugh the same anymore, or smile the same, or talk the same. I wasted my parent's hard-earned money on booze. Auntie, I'm exhausted from everything right now, don't you see? Just let me be."
I can see her losing her once cheerful self. I shook my head in disappointment. I was right-I should've never come to this place! It just pisses me off involving other people in my situation. I stood up and left, but as I went outside, she hurriedly reached for my hand.
'Come on, Joseph! Don't turn your back on me! Nothing good will happen if you kept holding onto the past!'
"I'll be fine, Aunt Marle. Maybe I don't need family…"
'What game are you playing, huh? Living your life for those people gives you meaning. I know you ever since you're a young boy running around with Kate! You can't give up like this… I can't bear to see my nephew hurting so much... We are family, understand? I may not be there with you for I have a reason, but you're not pushing me away!'
There were tears dripping once I've heard Marle spoke of her name, and everything comes flowing back to me. I kept on my back and ignored her kindness and just walked away...
---
On the morning of the 13th of June 2012, I have decided to visit Kate for the very first time. She was buried in Eternal Haven Memorial Park. It was a peaceful place to rest. The cold breeze flew silently, brushing the flowers along the pathways. There are some people lighting up candles for their beloved, as a sign of out-most respect and unconditional love.
I found her lot and it was beautiful. Her family built a small fence around her, and they have erected a small monument in her honor. I was written there as one of the people who loved and grieved for Kate. I tried to hold it in, but I broke out in tears anyway.
"There you are Kate... how's it been? It's been three years… I missed how we used to talk every day of our childhood, and how you were able to tell everything on your mind. I miss those conversations. I don't feel prepared seeing you like this, but then I guess, no one is prepared for this type of situation. My aunt encouraged me to see you, I never believed myself for following her blindly. I thought of her as childish and insensitive, but I was rude to her. I'm no better than her. I have nothing to regret but spending less time with you than I could. You were there for me as a friend, a family, a wife. Now, to return the favor, I'm here for you. You live your life to its extent, and I am proud of you. I will never forget you, my love... you will surely be missed..."
Aunt Marle who stood beside me held my hand. She took me on her shoulders as I wept. "I want to apologize, and give thanks to you auntie. I've decided to see myself as a different person. I hate change and I sure hate goodbyes, but that is life. I must go on..." she wiped my tears and said me: It is alright to cry, Joseph. You are put to these times of darkness only to surpass it and attain light, not stay on it. We need to accept that the reality we live in always changes. I know it hurts to wave goodbye to the person you loved, but it is a decision that kept you strong. You're a good person with a great heart.
I closed my eyes and Marle gave me a warm embrace as she took me in. I'm blessed to have this strong support from a family. A warm feeling of acceptance reminding me that someone will be at my side when I am at my weakest. It was a difficult journey through the vast oceans of darkness, but I've kept my faith and the courage in my heart to face it head on. Today may be the saddest goodbye I have ever done, yet there will always be a tomorrow after this. As I opened my eyes, I saw but a slight of reality as vague figure of a childhood friend smiling back at me.
My greatest test isn't over…
-END-
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