Chapter 22: | pretzels and sugar

The heart was made to be broken.

- Oscar Wilde

________________________

- L I L A -

"Happy birthday!" Yasmine exclaimed, plopping down onto the passenger seat and swiftly bringing me into a hug. "The big 18th!"

I smiled stiffly and slowly pulled away, blinking back the tears I had allowed to fall only moments ago. "Yeah," I muttered, "happy birthday to me."

Noticing my state, Yasmine frowned, shutting the car door. It didn't take much to know I had been crying - that's all I had been doing since Matthew broke up with me - and that I was distraught.

"Matthew's coming to school today, are you sure you're okay?" Yasmine questioned, placing a hand on my shoulder as I slowly ate my bagel.

"No," I admitted, my eyes glued to the screensaver of the pair of us. "The guy I love doesn't want to be with me, and won't even bother to trying to believe that I'm telling the truth."

Yasmine was silent for a moment before she sighed. "I'm going to be honest with you," she announced, leaning her head back and taking her seatbelt off. "For the first couple of months, it'll be hard seeing him around, but eventually you'll be able to move on."

"I don't want to move on, Yas." I responded, wiping any crumbs from my lips. "I want us to be together again. He told me he loves me, and then he breaks up with me. Does he expect me to be okay?"

"No one can expect anyone to be okay after a breakup. But you have to pretend like you are, only then will it be easier to forget."

It had been a week since Matthew broke up with me, and the crushing feeling I felt at the hospital hadn't went away. If anything, it was stronger since I knew I wouldn't be able to be in Matthew's presence.

As expected, Gloria had been fucking ecstatic that Matthew broke up with me. I didn't notice then, but both she and Mina were at the hospital that day, and found out we were over.

I, however, couldn't bring myself to delete his pictures, and like the hopeless romantic I was, I reread our text messages over and over again.

'I can't wait to hold you in my arms.'

That was the message right before New Years, and the one I had difficulty staying away from. That was all I wanted. For Matthew to hold me in his arms, kiss my forehead like he always did and quietly murmur sweet nothings into my ear.

I appreciated all the little things a whole lot more since they were gone.

Getting out of my car, I wandered slowly to homeroom with Yasmine beside me. At that moment, I was eternally grateful that Matthew and I didn't share the same homeroom.

But, English was a whole other story.

"Um, you're in my seat." I cleared my throat, staring icily at Gloria. I wanted to badly to lunge for her, but we had already got into trouble for the dispute we had in the hallway.

"This is my seat now." She answered instantly, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear, and turning her back to me. "You can find a new seat."

"I don't know who the fuck you think you are," Yasmine spoke, crossing her arm. "But you can either go back to your original seat or we're going to have a problem."

I felt a small smile appear on my face, glancing at Yasmine with slight mirth evident in my eyes. Gloria stared at her for a while, rolling her shoulders back and meeting her gaze head on.

"Gloria, they're right. Go to your original seat, please." Mr Robertson intervened, not glancing up as he began to sort out his papers.

Muttering under her breath, Gloria gathered her stuff and pushed past both of us before going to her seat all the way at the back. Plopping down on my seat, my heart began to beat harshly against my chest as Matthew entered the room following Toby's pursuit.

His arm was in a brace, and he was limping slightly on the foot that he landed on from the accident. He ignored the murmurs that filled the class, taking his seat beside me.

I bit my lip and avoided his gaze, my hands shaking. I was not about to break down in front of him again. His leg brushed mine as he adjusted himself in the chair, his glasses perched on the bridge of his nose.

Yasmine placed her head on my shoulder, leaning in to whisper in my ear. "We can move if you want to, okay?"

"No," I mumbled shakily, shaking my head. "The lesson has already started, there's no point."

Matthew's head turned to me slightly, and a frown that mirrored mine was apparent on his facial features. I wanted nothing but to wrap my arms around him, and kiss each and every scar on his face.

I hated seeing him upset, but what I hated more was that I was the cause of his sadness.

Once our hands accidentally touched, my eyes slammed shut, a sharp exhale emitting from me. I couldn't take feeling so helpless. "Matthew-"

"Lila, don't." He objected, shaking his head softly. "I won't be able to talk to you right now."

"How do you think I feel?" I murmured softly, clenching my hands. "You broke up with me without even hearing me out properly. It's unfair to both of us."

"No," he countered quietly. "What's unfair is that Isaac has taken two of my girlfriends, and that you went against how I felt."

"But if you love me like-"

"Yeah, I love you," he snapped, almost bitterly as he leaned in closer. "And maybe that's the problem. I fell in love with you yet you cheated on me with the same guy Vanessa did."

"Accidentally kissing someone - for not even two seconds, might I add - doesn't count as cheating because I didn't do it on purpose."

"Stop talking to me, Lila." Matthew deadpanned, adjusting his glasses and turning away from me.

---

"Happy Birthday," Isaac spoke softly, stopping me with a hand on my shoulder. "How are you?"

Acknowledging his presence, I pursed my lips slightly and quickened my pace. He only wanted to speak to me since I was single. He noticed I ignored him, and began taking strides to walk beside me.

It wasn't like I would be able stop where I was going since I had to get my books from my locker.

"Lila, I'm sorry,"

"I thought you didn't want to be friends with me, Isaac?" I muttered agitatedly under my breath, turning the corner.

"I just want to be here for you, Lila."

No.

This was not happening.

I felt a terribly painful feeling in my chest, as if my ribs collapsed onto my lungs, and I couldn't breathe. It was so difficult to breathe.

Matthew was laughing with Gloria, her overly fucking flirtatious self placing her hand on his collar. I could've swore her eyes flickered to mine before Matthew leaned down and connected his lips to hers.

No sound came from me; I couldn't even gasp or inhale softly. All I was able to do was stand there. Frozen in my place, and numb to the core.

I watched him kiss her like he used to kiss me, his uninjured hand gripping her waist as her back was pressed on my locker door. Glancing at Isaac, he watched Matthew with disbelief, his blue eyes blaring with uninhibited anger.

"This fucking prick is so disrespectful."

My eyes watered rapidly, and I bit hard into my trembling lip. He was doing a pretty crappy job at not breaking my heart.

"He's only doing this to get back at you, I can't believe him." Isaac gently brushed past me, strongly striding with the intention to confront Matthew.

"Isaac," I called out, hot on his heels as he shoved Matthew back slightly.

"What the fuck are you doing kissing her right in front of Lila's locker?" he exclaimed furiously, wrapping his arms around me once I was by his side. "It hasn't even been more than a week, and you're already kissing the person who has always tried to break you up?"

"You're no person to talk, Isaac!" he shot back, gripping Toby's leash tightly. "You're the whole reason we're not together."

"Nothing fucking happened!" Isaac snapped, his arms tightening around me as I began to silently cry into his shoulder. "You're too insecure to believe what Lila told you is the truth. She didn't even give me the time of day when you weren't even together. Do you really think she'd willingly kiss me?"

"It's none of your business, Is-"

"I care about her!" he fired, "I can't say the same for you if you're that fucking selfish and heartbroken that you pulled this shit on her birthday."

Matthew's facial expression faltered and his eyes wandered to the direction where he heard my muffled sobs. "Lila," he breathed, a frown climbing its way to his face.

"Maybe you deserved her in the beginning, but if you could willingly hurt her like this when she did nothing wrong, then you're definitely not-"

"-worth the fight." I finished shakily, my voice cracking as I stared at him. My heart was beyond shattered, and I found myself still in love with him. Never in a million years would I have thought that loving Matthew would hurt so bad.

"You obviously don't love me if you're so willing to kiss the person who tried to drive us apart before." Latching onto Isaac tighter, I stared into his cloudy grey eyes, angry at him for making me feel like that. "When you kissed Vanessa, I never broke up with you. I told you we were okay because I believed you. I never doubted you, but I'm guessing you've always doubted me."

Matthew looked disheartened and crestfallen, taking a wide step back from Gloria as Toby lead him closer to me. "Babe, I'm-"

"Don't call her babe. You don't get to speak to her, you prick." Isaac hissed, running his hand through my hair. "I hope you're fucking satisfied." He scoffed, dragging me away from my locker.

He pulled us into the storage cupboard, his hands fumbling for the light. I dug my nose deeper into his shoulder, my hands shaking as I clutched onto his shirt. "I can't believe him," I whimpered. "How could he do this?"

"He's only doing this because he's heartbroken," Isaac mumbled angrily, hugging me closer to his chest.

"I'm heartbroken too," I shook, the heartbreak taking me at a stronghold. "I love him so much, but I hate him for doing this to me."

He was such a sweet, kind and caring boyfriend. I guessed that was the reason I fell in love with him. He was so much more different to any of my previous boyfriends, and before he even told me he loved me, I could feel it; something about the way he kissed me or held me made it clear that he cherished me.

I cherished him just as equally.

But, I would never have thought that he had it in him to break my heart. I knew he was fragile and insecure about what happened with Vanessa and Isaac, but I thought I made it clear that he was the only person I wanted; the only person I wanted to want me.

He broke my heart on purpose, and I broke his unintentionally.

And although the breakup was my fault, I couldn't help but feel resentment towards Matthew for breaking up with me. The tables had been turned, and Matthew still had my heart in his hand.

"I hate him for doing this to me." I softly repeated, shutting my eyes tighter.

I hated him for ruining and breaking me down with three empty words.

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