Chapter 23: | almond and berry

Nothing lasts forever, nothing stays the same.

- Wherever You Are, 5SOS

________________________

- L I L A -

Isaac, Yasmine and I sat on the hood of his truck, his head leaning on the windshield as he happily munched on his fries. I was eating sushi, and began to feel nostalgic as I stabbed the roll with my fork.

Those times were the best.

I spotted Matthew sitting on a bench, his head in his arms as Toby slept in between his feet. My gaze was glued to him, and my fork slipped into my lap. After reluctantly tearing my eyes from him, I turned on my phone before seeing all the missed calls I received from him.

There was no doubt that I wanted to pick up the phone, but I couldn't allow him to know just how much he affected me. I was never much of a hopeless romantic, but it was evident Matthew turned me into one.

But, I was beginning to accept that we broke each other, and maybe it'd be better if we weren't together. On the other hand, I loved him, and the more time we spent apart; the more I fell for him.

Stupidly, my heart hammered against my chest whenever I saw him.

"Lila?" Yasmine spoke, her eyes following my gaze. "Are you okay?"

I nodded silently and slowly lifted my phone as it began to vibrate in my pocket. He was calling again.

Maybe I missed him a whole lot, but I couldn't stop myself from picking up, my phone sliding against my ear. "Hello?" I whispered aimlessly, my eyes glued to him as he sat up straighter in his seat.

"Lila," his voice audibly cracked, and I could hear the increase in his breath. "Thank God you picked up," he breathed softly. "I'm so sorry."

I remained quiet and gripped my phone tighter once I saw run his occupied hand through his dishevelled dark hair. I had no intention of replying to him, and sat there in silence as he continued to speak.

"I never meant for that to happen on your birthday, and I've literally been beating myself up over the fact that I forgot. I actually forgot your birthday."

I closed my eyes and inhaled sharply.

"I've been such a dick to you, and it was partly because I was hurt. I mean, I was hurt pretty bad." He paused for a moment and I heard a small whimper. "Lila, I wanted to tell you that-"

"Stop talking to me, Matthew." I repeated his words from the day before and swiftly ended the call. I saw his hand latch onto the hair at his nape of his neck, his forehead meeting the wood of the table.

From the distance, I could see the slight tremble in his broad shoulders, my heart slightly clenching at the sight. He had no problem doing that to me, and after his kiss with Gloria, I couldn't find it in myself to care anymore.

I lost him the first time round, but he had me in his hands and let me slip through his fingertips.

Yasmine frowned sadly and stared at me with dimmed brown eyes. "As much as I know you don't want to hear this, if you want to get closure, you have to speak to him."

Isaac sat up and dusted his hands on the paper towel. "He didn't listen to a word she had to say, but now he's realised that he fucked up, he suddenly has time to listen?" he questioned bewildered, his eyes trained on Matthew.

I wanted to speak to him, but I wasn't sure if I was able to.

"I'm not getting back together with him," I softly murmured, sliding off the car. "That's the last thing I need right now. I just want to hear his reasons; I want him to help me understand why this is happening."

Isaac bit down on his lip, sinking his shoulders down in resignation. "Do what's right for you, Lila."

My feet tensely moved in his direction, my hand balling at my sides as I neared. I could already feel my heart thumping erratically, and the heart wrenching feeling sunk to the the pit of my stomach.

Taking a seat in front of him, my hand instinctively reached for his, his muscles relaxing at the sound of my voice. "I can't keep feeling like this," I blew into the air, my volume almost reaching a murmur. "I can't keep seeing you like this."

The jovial expression I always used to see on his face failed to reappear, and in its place was a small frown. "I hate feeling like this." His hand tightened around mine and I felt his fingers curl around mine. "I miss being your boyfriend."

Stop.

The air in my throat halted and I had to remind myself that I had to breathe; I had to act like what I felt wasn't a small fraction of what he made me feel. "You broke up with me, Matthew."

He squeezed my hand at his hand, his bottom lip quivering infinitesimally at the fragile crack that sounded through the air. "I was afraid," he breathed, his bland grey eyes staring off into the distance. "Afraid that I lost you."

"You did lose me," I clarified with a heavy heart, blinking harshly to push back the tears. "You lost me the moment you kissed Gloria."

I felt his grip loosening on me, but I wanted to make him feel everything I felt. "I was so determined to get you back, I was going to fight for you until I had no more fight in me, but it's just not worth it anymore."

"I am worth it," he responded instantly, leaning forward. "We are worth it."

I shook my head softly, my eyes glued to his lips. "Not anymore," I disregarded the sharp intake on his part, my lip shaking with his next words.

"I believe you."

His eyebrows met in frustration and his chest rose and fell with his quickened breaths. "I should've listened to you earlier, but I believe you."

Placing a soft hand on his cheek, he leaned into it, his lips puckering softly against my palm. "It's too late." I whispered, slowly leaning forward and pressing my lips to his. It was a soft, gentle and sentimental kiss, my feelings pouring out into the kiss that was meant to be our last.

"I love you," he spoke quickly and desperately, pulling me back in for another kiss. "I love you too much to let you go again."

"I'm already gone, Matthew." I said gently, standing up and proceeding to go back to Yasmine and Isaac.

That was until he hooked his hand around my wrist, pulling me flush against his chest as his broken arm awkwardly cradled me to his body. I inhaled his scent softly, my hand clutching onto the soft material of his sweater. I missed being this close to him.

"I can't let you go," the fragility in his voice was evident as his words faded into a gentle whisper, his lips pressing into my hairline. "You don't think our relationship is worth saving, but I broke us too, and you mean too much for me to just let you walk away."

"You let me walk away the first time," I muttered into his sweater, the familiar scent of his cologne intoxicating me. "You let me walk out that door with a broken heart."

Tilting his head down, he mounded our lips together for a brief moment before a glint of determination flashed in his eyes. "Let me take you somewhere," knowing I was going object, he swiftly continued. "Maybe this will change your mind."

---

His hands subtly shook as he gripped Toby's lead with an apprehensive facial expression. His other hand was wedged in his pocket; he was afraid that I would reject him again.

Looking upon the wishing well, a wry smile making its way across my features. I tilted my head in his direction, unable to meet his eyes since his dark glasses shielded the brokenness in his eyes.

"Before we were together," he began, his voice a small murmur when he continued, "we both threw a coin into the fountain."

I watched the muscles in his jaw clench and relax with every word he spoke through his teeth, the jagged cut that laid across his neck holding my attention. He had gotten a lot of scars from the accident.

"I wished for things to go my way." His tongue slowly darted out to lick his bottom lip. "I liked you so much, I had to wish that Isaac wouldn't break us up."

My facial expression softened and I found myself directing my gaze to the fountain. "But, in the end, we were broken because of someone entirely different."

His neck moved infinitesimally to face me, a deeper frown easing its way onto his face. "Nothing goes right for us, Lila." He reached into his pocket and pulled out two coins, handing one to me.

Our fingers brushed ever-so-lightly and Matthew gripped onto my hand to position his soft lips over my skin. "Make a wish," he whispered, reluctantly releasing my hand.

"What difference would it make, Matthew?" I mumbled quietly, my heavy eyelids being an indication that I was too tired to carry on. "My first wish didn't make any difference."

"Just try," he pleaded gruffly, smoothing his thumb over the curve of the coin before he tossed it swiftly into the water. "Now, make yours."

I remained silent and watched him for a few moments before rolling the coin in my palm. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I threw the coin softly into the fountain.

I wish to find my way back to him.

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