Chapter 2: First Contact
The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was a donkey staring at my face. When the stench of the animal reached my nose, it was hellish, since I had always lived in heaven it was the first time in my life I had smelt what people called stink. I rushedly got up and, when I thought that no more shit would happen, a fucking rock hit me in the head.
"Jesus Christ" Jesus yelled.
"Why aren't you showing respect to the donkey?" said a passerby.
"Why should I show respect to a donkey? I'm Jesus Christ"
"what are you talking about? are you a heretic?"
"How could I be a heretic? I'm the son of God"
When I said that a lot of rocks came flying at me.
'it hurts like hell' Jesus thought.
"Hang him!"
Suddenly a crowd of angry people started rushing at me with forks and the like.
I didn't even know where they had found them.
I started running as fast as I could, but then I saw something strange: before they could catch me they suddenly stopped before the donkey, and all of them, at the same time, kneeled to it, asking if it could excuse them for rushing in front of it.
After the prayer, they started running again, but even if they were fast they stopped to pray in front of every animal so I successfully lost them in about an hour, yeah an hour, even if they stopped to pray they were still fast but let's do an assessment of the situation, I had the body of a thirty years old man, don't ask me how I know my age, I don't remember but the fact is I thanked my father for not being born in the body of shitty brat.
after having escaped I had to understand the culture of this world and find somewhere to sleep, walking a dark street, a man with a hood walked up to me.
"Hey what's your name?"
"I'm Jesus Christ"
"I saw what happened earlier, and I must say, you have a lot of guts."
"Why?" said Jesus.
"What do you mean why? You haven't kneeled before the donkey, in front of other people. Do you have a death wish?"
"Why should I kneel in front of a donkey of all things? Also, who are you?"
"I knew you had guts from the moment I saw you, not kneeling in front of a God's representative. My name is Judas"
"Do you mean that the donkey is worshipped as a God in this world?"
"Yeah, why do you ask? Every animal is a representative of God"
"Ah, nothing, I'm just tired"
"I see. Come with me, I'll take you to the headquarters of the heretics since if people saw you you'll be lynched."
"Thanks for the offer"
After that conversation, we went to the heretics' headquarters passing through some tunnels. It was an underground facility, full of flags with the symbols of the rebellion. It could easily fit one hundred people.
"How many members do you have?" asked Jesus.
"We are as much as twelve!" replied Judas with excitement.
"That ain't much my man" Said Jesus with sweat dripping from his forehead.
"We are more than enough to beat the shit out of those animal-worshippers. Wouldn't mind if we had some more help though. But you know, you can't have everything in life."
"so what are our enemy's numbers?"
"Everyone in this country, about 3 or 4 millions people. Give or take."
"Fuck. What do you plan to do?" said kinda worriedly Jesus.
"Well, we're just going around protesting and running away when things get bad"
"Well, that doesn't seem that effective."
'the only way to end a religion is to replace it with another even shittier.' thought Jesus.
"I suggest replacing the current religion with a new one" Jesus said.
"and how can we do it?" asked Judas.
"You got some weed?"
"yeah sure, imma call the others"
...
An hour later.
"...and so I think we should add some shit about love and peace, then add fear with a punishment for those who don't follow the rules." Jesus said while laying on a sofa.
"Yeah but who should control this place of eternal torture?" a dude called Matthew asked.
'I'm sure that shitstain of my brother Lucifer drunk all of my beers. Let's get some revenge.' thought Jesus.
"In my opinion, we should name the place 'hell', and the boss of that place should be called Lucifer and he should have the face of a fucking goat. I don't know why but I like it."
"That's some wicked shit" said Peter.
After a long session of brainstorming, we had to plan how to spread this new religion.
"Jesus, how do you plan to get people to believe this." asked Thomas.
"I don't know, I could make some weird religion shit, like walking on water or multiplying bread or fishes." replied Jesus.
"don't know how you're gonna do that but it sounds cool." said Judas.
'I'm gonna show the wonders of plexiglass to those idiots. After all, I can create shit with a thought.' thought Jesus.
"Now let's go, we have some plebeians to convert."
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