Chapter 18: Chapter Eighteen: Questions
There was a moment of silence before Kanako began speaking. Michi sat across from her with a very concentrated look on her face. "I guess I should start from the beginning," Kanako said. "The truth is, when I went to confess to Akio-kun, I... wasn't the only one there. Haruna was there too."
"What?!" Michi exclaimed. Hearing this information straight from Kanako doubled her shock from the first time she had heard. "Did she somehow find out and try to sabotage you or something?!" "No, no, nothing like that," Kanako said calmly. "It turned out, we both had had the same idea. We both wrote letters to Akio-kun and in some sort of weird coincidence, we both choose the same day." Michi went quiet. She was trying to process what she had just heard, but there was still plenty more, as Kanako continued to explain.
"When we saw each other behind the school, we were pretty surprised. I couldn't believe Haruna was there. I was really confused, and Haruna start yelling at me immediately. While we were arguing, Akio-kun showed up. Of course he knew the whole story because he had gotten both letters. He decided to hear both of our confessions too. Haruna went first. She kind of stumbled her way through it, but it was nice. I don't think I'd ever heard Haruna be that honest before. Then I went and I told him all about my feelings and how I'd been in love with him for a long time. I think it went pretty well overall."
"After that, we expected Akio-kun to choose one of us, but instead, he told us that he wasn't going to pick either of us." "What the hell?!" Michi shouted at the new piece of information. Kanako laughed. "That was Haruna's response too. Luckily Akio-kun didn't leave us in suspense. He actually offered us a deal." "A deal?"
"Because of how much we fight and how close we used to be, Akio-kun said that he didn't see how either of us could be a good girlfriend if we couldn't even be nice to someone who we used to be good friends with. So, in order to choose between the two of us and find out who would make the better girlfriend... he asked us to date each other for a year, and whoever was more convincing would be the girl he'd pick."
Michi was floored. "...w-what?" she squeaked out. In that moment, a certain question Chiyo had asked her came back to her mind. "Oh... so this is what she was talking about when she asked me what I thought of two girls dating..." Michi stared at her friend, who seemed anxious to hear a response. "And you... agreed to that?" she asked tentatively. Kanako nodded. "That's why Haruna and I have been spending more time together. Each of us wants Akio-kun to pick us. Unfortunately, it's really only been for the last week or so that this whole fake dating thing has looked real."
"Fake dating?" Michi repeated. "So, wait, you two aren't actually going out?" "H-Huh?! N-N-No! Of course not! T-There's no way that would ever happen!" Kanako panicked. "W-We just have to make it look convincing is all..." "I see..." Michi said. "I have to admit, I'm a little relieved that you're not actually dating." "Huh? Why?" Kanako asked. "Why? Because you're both girls Kana-chan. Girls can't go out with each other, that's not how love works," Michi said.
Kanako sat quietly as she took in Michi's words. "I know she's right but... why does it bother me to hear that? Something about being told that... just feels wrong..." she thought. "I guess that also explains the times I've seen you two holding hands too," Michi suddenly said. "O-Oh, you saw that?" Kanako asked nervously. "Well yeah, everyone in school has. There are bunch of rumors too y'know," Michi said. Kanako knew what she was talking about. It wasn't like they were avoidable. "I'm surprised you didn't ask me about them," Kanako said. "I was actually going to, but I believed you'd tell me what was going on when you were ready. And I was going to stick with that, until I heard about what you and Endo-san were doing. I just lost it. I thought for sure she was using you. Sorry for jumping to conclusions," Michi apologized.
"No, it's my fault too. If I hadn't kept it a secret, this probably wouldn't have happened," Kanako said. When her deal had begun, she had truly thought that keeping it a secret from Michi would be the right thing to do. But, as most attempts at keeping secrets go, it ended up just making things worse. It was something that Kanako wanted to make sure to remember.
"Considering what Endo-san said, I'm assuming Wakabayashi-san knows about all of this too?" Michi asked. "Um, yeah... she knows. B-But Chiyo's been really good with it! It almost feels like she's supporting us," Kanako said. "You should try to be friends with her..." "Tch! With that bimbo? Yeah right!" Michi exclaimed, making her stance very clear. Kanako sighed. "Anyways..." Michi switched back to the topic at hand. "Doesn't it bother you that you're basically being manipulated by Miyashita-san and playing this stupid game of his?"
"...what?"
Kanako was shocked. Sure, she knew she was in an odd situation, but to hear it put that way made it sound pretty bad. "Does it really seem like that?" she asked. "Of course it does!" Michi yelled. "I oughta go and give Miyashita-san a piece of my mind!"
"..."
Kanako went silent. She didn't really know what to say. "Manipulated? Playing games?" she thought. Thinking of her deal like that had never even crossed her mind. Was it true? Was all of this really just one big game to Akio? Did he even plan on picking one of the two girls in the end? It was possible that when the year was up, he would just laugh in their faces and tell them they were fools for going along with his idea. "No, Akio-kun wouldn't do that... would he?"
Kanako's head was swirling with questions. What should she be thinking now? "Hey, Kana-chan? You okay? You look a little pale," Michi asked with concern. "Um, well... I guess I'm just a little worried now..." Kanako said softly. "Oh, I guess that's my fault... Sorry," Michi said, feeling bad for causing her friend more distress. "It's okay. I think it's good that you told me that. Maybe... I've been too naïve through all of this..."
Michi was getting the feeling she was sending the wrong message. "I don't think you've been too naïve. I just think that it would be good to consider that possibility. I mean, even if it was true, it's not like your feelings would change overnight right?" "Yeah, you're right," Kanako agreed. Even with all of the new questions she had, she knew that her feelings weren't likely to change. She had been in love with Akio for nearly all her life. "Still though, if what Michi said is actually true..."
It was hard to consider. For as long as Kanako had known Akio, he had never been one to toy with people. Maybe he was more cryptic at times than most, but that was about the extent of it. "I want to ask him about it, but I get the feeling I won't get a straight answer. I just hope it's not true..." Kanako hated to doubt one of her closest friends, but it was hard not to when Michi had put it so bluntly.
"Hey, Kana-chan?" Michi said, getting Kanako's attention again. "You're not... actually in love with Endo-san, are you?" Kanako's eyes went wide. "W-W-W-What?! What are you asking?! I just told you we weren't dating didn't I?" "I know, but... that doesn't mean you... might not have feelings for her?" Michi looked very uneasy when asking the question. Kanako felt really confused, but she eventually found her answer. "I'm glad that Haruna and I have been able to reconnect and rebuild our friendship. She was my childhood friend and that's not someone anyone wants to lose. I'm thankful I have this opportunity. But... my heart only beats faster when I'm thinking of Akio-kun, not Haruna."
"I see," Michi said, letting out a breath she had been holding. "Then let me ask you this..."
*****
While Kanako talked with Michi, Haruna waited outside of the school, opting to sit down on a nearby bench. "I can't believe she's telling that girl about our deal," she grumbled to herself. But, Haruna couldn't deny that Kanako had been right. She told Chiyo, so it was only fair that Kanako could tell her closest friend. "Still, I don't trust her. I get the feeling she's going to try and ruin everything."
"Ruin everything?" Haruna repeated. "What is there to ruin? I mean, it's not like I actually enjoy being around Kanako..." She told that to herself, but somehow, she knew it wasn't quite true. However, instead of getting mad about it or making up some sort of excuse, Haruna decided to stop and think it all over.
It had been a couple of months since the whole "pretending-to-date" thing had come to be. In that time, Haruna had definitely noticed a change within herself. There was no denying that the animosity she once held toward Kanako had begun to slowly melt away. But with that change came new questions for Haruna. In particular, there was one that kept coming back to her mind.
"Why is it that whenever I'm with Kanako, I get this strange feeling?" she wondered. Haruna thought back on all the time they had spent together recently. A lot of it had been fighting, but in between that were some moments and feelings that Haruna couldn't wrap her head around.
Firstly, she didn't understand why it was that she felt the need to be kinder to Kanako than she had before. Originally, she had thought that it was because she wanted to be seen as the best choice for Akio, but now... now something was different. Haruna felt like it was her own will that made her want to be at least a little nicer to Kanako. It was beginning to seem like to her, the more time that passed, the less Akio had to do with her feelings.
It was strange. Being able to decide whether she was in love or not had taken Haruna a long time to figure out. Really, it had been thanks to a few pushes from Chiyo that had helped Haruna reach the conclusion that she had a major crush on Akio. Once she knew, Haruna had been so nervous about ever telling him that it took her until her second year of high school to get up the courage to do just that. "I was really looking forward to being his girlfriend," Haruna thought with a sigh. "We could've gone on dates, walked around holding hands-"
As soon as Haruna thought that, the first person that came to mind was not the boy she was in love with. Instead, it was someone else. The image of the person appeared in her mind, standing there in front of her with a smile on her face and her ponytail waving in the gentle breeze. Their hands were linked, and they began walking down a coastline of a beach.
All it had really been was a brief daydream, but even for as short as it was, it had been long enough to cause Haruna to react. The fantasy had sped up her heart rate and she could feel her face taking on a blush. "Why..." she wondered. "Why did I think of Kanako...?"
What Haruna had imagined wasn't even real, and yet the scene was stuck on loop in her mind as if it had really occurred. Faster and faster her heart went, causing a deeper blush than before. "Why can't I calm down?" It felt like a drastic shift was happening inside of Haruna, but she didn't know what it could mean.
*****
"Why are you even bothering with this?" Michi asked plainly. Kanako at first didn't know how to respond. She thought the answer to that question would've been obvious. "B-Because I want Akio-kun to pick me," she said. "Kana-chan, I get that you're in love with him, but it kind of seems like to me that this whole situation isn't doing anyone any good," Michi said. "What do you mean?" Kanako asked, confused. "You're unhappy because you have to put up with Endo-san's crappy personality. Endo-san is, well, I guess never happy. Miyashita-san is bound to feel lonely on some level. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but I think that this 'deal' you have is just doing more harm than good."
Kanako took in every word her friend said. "Is it really that bad?" she wondered. Michi continued. "If your feelings are strong enough, it seems like you could get them across to Miyashita-san without having to jump through all of these hoops."
Everything that Michi said to Kanako came to her like a revelation. It wasn't like she hadn't ever thought about finding some other way, but ultimately two things had stopped her from doing so. The first was that she was afraid that if she tried to do that, Akio would just flat-out reject her and then that would be the end of that. The other reason though had to do with the other party involved.
Kanako had been thinking of her whole situation as an opportunity to repair her relationship with Haruna. If she stopped playing her part in the deal, then would she have any real reason to continue being around Haruna? It felt like Akio was the only thing tying the two of them together anymore.
"So you think..." Kanako began speaking meekly. "That I should give up on this?" Michi thought about the question for a moment. "Probably. It just looks like it isn't working." Hearing that answer put Kanako at a loss. She almost felt desperate to find a way to regain her childhood friendship and go out with the boy she was in love with. However, it seemed that no matter how hard she thought about it, the chances of her being able to have both were becoming less and less.
Kanako's mind was a mess. She didn't know what to do. She felt like she wanted to cry, but no tears came. She felt like she wanted to give up, but was incapable of doing so. She was trapped in a trench of uncertainty. After spinning in her own head, Kanako finally put voice to the final question that was plaguing her.
*****
The two girls, Haruna Endo and Kanako Nakatomi, sat in two different places while pondering the same but very different things. They both had so many emotions conflicting with each other about the entire situation that they had been in since the beginning of their second year. While one party felt torn, the other felt restless, as they both grappled with their feelings.
Their own internal fights eventually led to the two of them coming up with their own final questions.
Kanako stared at Michi directly into her eyes, practically pleading with her. After a moment of silence, she spoke. "Mi-chan, what should I do? Should I just end it?"
And while that question was asked aloud, another was being guessed at inside, as Haruna sat on the bench just outside of the school. She had a lot of mixed and confusing feelings, but there was something that Haruna knew she had to find the answer to if she ever wanted to untangle the emotional mess inside of her.
"What exactly... do I want to be to Kanako?"
End of Volume One.
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