Chapter 13: Chapter 13: "I was just deceiving myself into denying what I truly feel"
I sat quietly on the passenger seat of Ansel's car. We just finished a meeting with the student organization, and since it was already quite late, Ansel offered to give me a ride.
We are not friends, are not exactly on good terms, and we even had a little argument before because of the program that he presented within the organization hence, I was surprised that he offered to give me a ride home.
When he told me to input my address on the navigator, I was anxious that he might notice my shaking hands. I acted all tough when I told him that his program is flawed, yet now, I'm sweating all over simply because I'm alone with him in an enclosed space.
He silently drove towards my house, and I remained silent, unable to think of any topic that we could talk about. He was two years my senior hence, we don't have any similar classes, and the only thing we probably had in common was the student organization we are both in.
My friends also chastised me for speaking up against a senior and told me to lay low if I don't want the seniors to pick on me, therefore I don't think bringing up anything related to the student organization would be a good idea.
Sighing, I rested my head onto the window and stared at the twinkling lights from the buildings that we passed by.
"What is the problem?" Ansel spoke all of a sudden and I snapped my head towards him. Despite his impassive face, I saw him tighten his hold around the steering wheel.
'Is he angry? Nervous? What?'
"What do you mean?" I asked, unsure of what he was asking about.
"With my program," Ansel spoke. He glanced quickly at me and continued, "you said that my program is not feasible nor commendable."
My eyes widened at what he said, yet after a few moments of me staring at him, a smile formed on my lips. Seeing him right now, maybe I was too prejudiced that I got the wrong impression of who Ansel truly is.
"Well, first of all, I'm not saying that the whole program is crap, but what I meant is that it is not exactly sustainable," I started and saw Ansel flinched at my choice of words.
We began talking about his program, and we discussed what can be revised for it to be better. I thought we would end up fighting once again, yet right now, we are casually conversing with each other despite him being a man of few words.
I thought Ansel would be the type to hold grudges, yet I was proven wrong today.
***
I took one last glance at the road where Ansel's car drove away. I was rather surprised that the drive back home was quite pleasant despite the initial silence that we had. Although we were not as friendly as we were five years ago, we even had a proper conversation along the way, even though the said conversation was brief and sounded forced.
But still, it was a major improvement compared to the previous days.
"So," my mother trailed off. She was staring at me, her eyes filled with amusement. "Why did he really sent you home?"
"Didn't you hear what he said?" I rolled my eyes once again at my mother's teasing. She's acting like a teenage girl who is sharing love stories with her girlfriends. "He has a meeting near here so he generously offered the poor girl a lift."
"Is that really it?" My mother said, and I can almost hear the disappointment in her voice.
"Yup," I said. My mother slightly frowned at my reply, and without saying anything, we walked back to the house, our arms still linked together. Once we reached the front door, I opened the door for both of us, and we went straight to the living room.
I plopped myself onto the sofa, feeling my tensed muscles loosen a bit because of the soft cushion. My mother sat beside me, placing the parcel she was carrying earlier on her lap. Curious about it, I asked, "What is that?"
"Ah, this one?" My mother asked, gesturing at the parcel in her hands. "It's a parcel from your aunt. I forgot that it will be delivered today. Your aunt sent a message saying that it's coming today so I went home to receive it."
I hummed in reply, and before I could speak, my mother beamed at me. "And that's why I got to see something interesting."
'I guess she really won't let it go.'
Even though we already had a talk about Ansel and me, seeing the two of us together perhaps made her imagine that there is probably still hope for both of us.
"He really just sent me home out of generosity," I started. "We also already talked about the two of us, and we decided to cut all our ties."
When I heard myself, I sounded as if I was convincing myself rather than my mother. I sounded defensive, and I wonder why I am acting like this over such a simple act.
I've been telling my mother and myself repeatedly that there is no hope between Ansel and me, yet who am I truly convincing? My mother? Or was I just assuring myself over and over that there is no hope between us in order to run from reality?
Is it because I knew that Ansel does not have any feelings for me anymore? And is that why I kept telling myself that there is no more hope? Because I knew that somewhere in me, I'm still harboring an expectation that maybe, we can go back to the way we were before.
I felt like a broken record repeating myself over and over again.
Once I had the realization, I felt irritated at myself. All those times I acted confident and told my mother that there is no hope between Ansel and me, I guess I was just fooling myself.
I came back acting as if I have already moved on, but here I am, acting like a fool and convincing myself that everything is fine when in fact, I was just deceiving myself into denying what I truly feel.
I felt ashamed of myself. I was merely tricking myself yet I had the audacity to dictate other people. I kept telling myself that Ansel and I can only fully move on once we cut all our ties, but in reality, I was the one who kept hanging onto that past.
I hate myself and how I continuously hurt the people around me.
'But what else should I do?'
***
My mother came back to the restaurant after we chatted with each other for a bit. She finally let go of the topic about Ansel, and we talked about her new help that came today. She said he was recommended by my aunt and that she was lucky that he was a fast-learner.
I already told my mother before that she should hire another help since the restaurant was too busy for her and another chef to manage. She was too stubborn at that time and merely said that the two of them can manage the kitchen. I guess she realized the need for another pair of hands when she was hospitalized.
After my mother left, I busied myself with paperwork for the Chadwick Group since I'll be having a meeting with the project manager on Monday along with the whole team.
I'm both scared and excited about this project since this is the first time that I was asked to be present in every schedule, yet I'm also scared of the mere fact that our client is the Chadwick Group because a single mistake can ruin all our hard work.
At around nine in the evening, I was all prepped to sleep, hoping to have a full night's sleep. Since I don't have any schedule for tomorrow, I plan to wake up a little late and stay at home to finish my work. I haven't had a good rest since I came back, and I was supposed to take a nap right after the meeting earlier, but I was too caught up in my thoughts to sleep.
As I pull the blanket over my body, I heard my phone ring from the bedside table. I groaned when I saw Luke's name on the screen, and as much as I wanted to reject the call, I can already imagine him calling again and again until I answer the phone.
"Hello?" I said after pressing the answer button. "You really have the best timing."
"Hello to you too," Luke chuckled from the other line.
He enabled the video call and I was welcomed by his tousled golden brown hair and sparkling brown eyes with specks of green. He was walking around his apartment and he looked like he just woke up.
"I was just about to sleep," I said, showing that I was already lying on my bed.
"I feel like we're about to do something dirty," Luke said, his eyes laced with amusement. From the screen of my phone, I saw him sat comfortably on his sofa. I can see a bit of his apartment behind him, and as usual, it was a huge mess.
"Yup," I said, rolling my eyes at his innuendo. "Like cleaning up after your remains."
Luke laughed from the other line and I saw him reached out for a cup of coffee somewhere in front of him. "Still so brutal, I see," Luke spoke as he placed the cup near his lips.
Luke loves to joke around, and most of the time, because of his humor, there were women who would fall for him thinking that he was flirting with them. I once scolded him for being insensitive towards women's feelings, but he merely shot down my argument by saying, "how could they say that they like me when they only knew the person that I show them?"
After that, I realized I should never take his flirting seriously.
"Why did you call?" I asked as I placed my hand on my mouth to cover a yawn.
"Just wanted to ask about your meeting today," Luke replied, excitement evident in his voice. "How was it?"
"It was fine, I guess," I said, unsure of what to answer.
I recounted what happened earlier during the meeting. He was silently listening to what I was saying and was simply nodding every now and then. When I told him that I would have another meeting on Monday with the project manager, he looked very excited.
"I still can't believe we got the Chadwick Group," Luke said animatedly. He was now lounging on his dining area and was snacking on an apple. "Do you need reinforcement? Should I go there?"
I furrowed my eyebrows and said, "You still have a lot of work to do, and you can't just leave the others. Both of us can't leave the office and have no one oversee the matters there."
"Hey, I was just kidding," Luke chuckled and raised his hand that was not holding the phone as if he was surrendering. "Calm your nagging."
"Anyway," Luke started, changing the topic. "How are you? I saw from your account that you just finished two days' worth of work. Are you even sleeping properly?"
Lately, I can't help but think about Ansel and about our past, and to distract myself, I've been doing a lot of work. As a result, sleep has been evading me for days. I can see myself from the screen, and Luke probably noticed how tired my eyes looked, and although Luke and I are very comfortable with each other, I still felt quite ashamed of how worn out I looked.
"I'm fine, still jet-lagged though," I said, lying about being jet-lagged.
How could I tell him that the reason I looked drained is because I saw my ex-husband and that very same person is the CEO of our client company? Although he knew that I was once married, I cannot just tell him that Ansel was the one I was previously married to.
Knowing Luke, he would worry too much and end up coming here to trade places with me.
Luke and I continued talking, and as he was telling a story about our friends back in Japan, I felt that my sleep laden eyes were finally giving in, and the last thing I heard was Luke saying, "sweet dreams."
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