Chapter 1: At the Horizon of Adolescence
I cannot explain the dull ache loneliness brings. It's such a desperate kind of sadness, especially when one is not able to reach out to people and soothe themselves. However, I love solitude, the peace that it brings balances out the chaos that daily life offers. I don't understand this contradiction within myself and frankly, thinking about it gives me a headache.
My family understands my desire for isolation but they can't help worrying that there's something wrong with me.
As I am wallowing in my sad coming-of-age-esque reverie, my thoughts shift to the current state of my relationships with the people around me. I've withdrawn myself quite a lot lately and the excuse that I've managed to convince them with, is that I'm down with the summer flu, it's obvious I'm avoiding them but they don't ask anything further. I recently found myself easily disheartened and frustrated or rather unmotivated to keep up with regular communications with those around me.
Busily poking at my current ball of nonsense, my brother politely knocks at my bedroom door asking if I needed anything since he's going to stop by at the nearby store. Giving it a little thought, I asked if I could come along instead. With a confused -rather funny may I note- look he hesitantly agreed.
I don't get along well with most of my siblings, don't get me wrong, I love them dearly and I would never allow anyone to hurt them and if anyone tried to, they'll have to go through a complete social death. But that's as far as how I feel about my siblings go.
Examining how I look at the moment in my dressing table mirror, with how I've been ignoring my skin I can feel the break out on my cheeks forming, the hyperpigmentation from years of neglecting my skin hasn't changed at all and with an awful sleeping pattern my dark circles are the star of this show called, My Face. throwing self consciousness out the door or rather my 'fuck it' attitude courtesy of my moon in Aries, I leave the house after I quickly brushed my hair.
My brother was already waiting for me in the car, so I assumed that we're going a bit further than our neighborhood store. Not questioning anything, our ride continued in silence. Around 10 minutes later my brother breaks the silence and asks me if I've been eating well. Odd. Very odd. We always have our meals as a family so it's kind of an unusual question to ask. I don't remember my brother being socially inept, he should be able to make a less awkward conversation or am I that hard to talk to? Losing interest in my brother and what he has to say I reply with a nod. Hearing my brother sigh, upped the tension and for some reason I could sense that he's angry. Believe me or not, I seem to be the kind of person who can pick up subtle changes and interpret them to certain emotional states or changes.
I could also be just imagining things but I may not be imagining things. This could also be the reason why I try to avoid people at times, I run away as soon as I feel uncomfortable or claustrophobic under the pressure of displeasing those around me. I don't know if my interpretations are correct because I never stay long enough to find out. So right now, this is uncharted territory. Picking at my brain desperately to come up with something to say, I give up, I simply don't know what to do and my mind goes in stand by.
I don't know what possessed my brother but he started to laugh almost hysterically, but I'm pleased, he's not angry and I was just wrong, I don't understand why he's laughing too much but I don't mind it. Asking if he's done and reminding him to watch out while driving I try to go back to my nonsense reverie but somehow my brother's sudden outburst was done yet. He started dribbling about a girl he met at work and how hopelessly in love he is, with a jolt I was brought back to reality and for the first time during the whole ride I looked at my brothers' face. With the gentlest expression on his face, he began to describe everything in painful detail. I was half humored and half content. I have a feeling that he hasn't spoken to anyone about this until now. I feel quite accomplished for being the first one to hear it, somehow hearing him talk about someone so intimately makes me feel some sort of belongingness.
The rest of the ride went on for hours, we never reached our destination. We spoke about so many things after that, the impending doom of our generation due to climate change, listing our favorite vines. We also started dissecting my reclusive attitude and I guess even how I felt that everything about my life was unreal, like going through my day to day activities actually felt like watching someone else entirely doing it. Unable to-
10:00 pm.
It's been 2 years since I started working here as a resident doctor. I make my way to the long term patients unit, the halls are quiet but the hums of life supporting machines can be heard throughout the whole floor. Stopping at my first room, I pushed open the door and was greeted by a familiar setting that I've seen for the past two years. A girl who lost her youthful fullness to her face laid on a hospital bed with white sheets and surrounded by various contraptions that preserve whatever remaining life in her. However, I noticed something different about her tonight, it's seems like she's content. I don't know how I understood that, but something about this minuscule but odd expression on her face that showed contentment, as if being relieved at everything turning out to be well.
Coming out of my daydream, I continue with taking note of her vitals and adjusting her drip.
I hope someone visits her soon.
End.
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