Chapter 72: I'll meet you again, Q
Have you guys ever lost a pet? Feeling very sad and empty inside now that they have passed away? Well, I just gotten news of my pet rabbit, a 3 month year old Netherland Dwarf had a seizure and passed away this morning.
I was not at home when my sister discovered that it was having a seizure, screaming in pain. She noticed Q in pain and quickly brought him to see a vet. But unfortunately, the vet couldn't diagnosed why Q was in pain, they gave Q a shot of antibiotics and after a few minutes, Q took his last breath, free from the agony.
At that time, I was still working, so I couldn't see Q's final breath. Now I feel empty, like nothing really matters now, is this how depression feels like? Or is it just immense sadness within me? I don't know how to describe it.
The worst part of all that was Q could have been saved had I check on him early in the morning. My sister and I had take turns feeding them, it was her turn to feed them this morning, but I still blame myself for not checking on them. I had considered to go check on them before going for work, but I wasn't in a good mood since I had to work on a Sunday due to some circumstances.
When I got back, I saw Q in a box, wrapped in a cloth, staring at me. I touched Q's body, he was stiff, no heartbeat, no movement, not breathing, no heat, just laying there.
If I had just took that action and check on him, Q wouldn't have left us so soon. I regret it deeply now, asking myself why, why?!
The saddest part is that he had a companion with him, a female Holland Lop, 3 months old as well, called B. She was more like a sister rather than a partner, they were always together when they were eating, sleeping and playing around. But now she is left all alone without her brother. I do not know whether B knew what happened to Q, but I do believe she will feel sad and alone, without her brother beside her to accompany.
Q was very active, finding ways to escape from the cage, I still remember witnessing him pushing his head through the space between the cage. I always called him a little bastard for escaping his cage, but I do know that he wants to run around. So I do set him free to run around with his sister on our lawn and take him back when evening is approaching.
I dug a hole in our lawn, and buried him beside a bush of flowers. From the time I dug that hole and carefully laying Q's body in it, to slowly covering the hole with dirt.I felt nothing, more like disbelief. It hasn't hit me yet that Q left. I remember seeing B in a box, eating snacks and hopping around, trying to get out. I felt that maybe she was trying to search for her brother. I had considered taking her out and let her see her brother for one last time, but I couldn't bring myself to it. I do not want B to know that he is gone forever. I know it is selfish of me to not allow B to have a look. I would rather that she believes Q is still somewhere out there, playing to his hearts content.
Now, I feel a bit lost, knowing that I'll never be able to see him escaping from his cage everyday in the morning, knowing I will never be able to poke him on the forehead, knowing that B had lost a brother and lnowing that I COULD have prevented it from happening. But it's all in the past, I couldn't go back and change time. It had happened, and there's no other way to change the past.
I didn't cry when I touched his cold body, I didn't cry when I buried him, I didn't cry when I left a flower on his grave with a rock. But when I started to write this, I can't control myself. The dam inside me broke.
My purpose in wiritng this is just to get it off from my chest, but who knew it made me shed even more tears as i continue to write...
I hope he is happily hopping around on the clouds up in the heavens. Uncaged and free like how he always have been, a free spirited bunny. Sorry for being a bad parent to you my dear son, your journey ended too soon. Once my journey ends as well, I do hope to see you up there too.
I am sorry
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