Chapter 4: Chapter 2: Take Nasty to a Whole New Level
Chapter 2: Take Nasty to a Whole New Level!
Nate texted me about half an hour ago while I was watching Arrow on Netflix to let me know that him and Hailey are leaving his house now and are heading back to my house. Before Nate texted me though I was putting on makeup around my neck because I had a bruise from when my father had me held in a constricted grip from so that he could **** me. I cried for a prolonged amount of time because he raped me in my room, the only room in the house that I felt still had its innocence, but now it's gone and I can't even get that back. Having all of this pain and depression building up inside of me is not good at all, but I can't talk to anyone because they can't help me. There is no one who can possibly even try because it won't work at all no matter how hard and long they tried to fight for me. My father owns three of the biggest business companies in the state, he owns a medical and health care business, a construction and engineering business and a bar and night club. He is known everywhere and apparently by his good looks and charm, there is not a single person that could even help me. So since that's the case there's only one thing I can do and that is give up on life and stop trying.
As much as I want to try and help Hailey I know I can't really help her because it's hard for me to even help and take care of my own self. I have to find a way to get it together though, I want to get a job, but of course my father won't let that happen. He says why do I need a job if he provides everything that I need. I tried getting an online job so I didn't have to leave the house, but the only thing that happened was that the online job happened to be for editing advertisements and flyers for my father's medical and health business, so that was a big bust for me. He found out that I applied for the job and threw me down the stairs, so I stopped searching. It's not like I want a job to be greedy or anything, I just want to better Hailey's and I life, I want to be able to save up enough so we can leave the country and I can get my own house with her, but it doesn't look like that's happening.
The sound of the doorbell ringing made me jump, I paused the TV and ran to the door to open it. When I opened the door both Hailey and Nate were standing there smiling happily. I looked at my watch, "You bought my sister home 15 minutes early, good job." I gave Nate a thumbs up and Hailey stepped around me and walked into the house.
"Thank my sister, she was the one who dropped us off." Nate pointed behind him and I saw a silver 2016 Hyundai genesis coupe v8 parked outside and I thought I was about to faint because that car was so damn beautiful.
"Wow, nice car," I said sounding impressed and nodding my head approvingly.
Nate looked back at the car and at me like if I were crazy. "Nah, your car is definitely better, look at that baby over there." Nate looked at my car and I smiled at him in appreciation.
"Nate are you crazy? Your sister car doors flip up; my car is trash compared to hers." As much as I love my car, I have always wanted a car where the doors flip open. My father rented me a car like that for prom, but that's beside the point.
"Eh, I have a thing for BMW's, so I'm in love with your car." I heard Hailey gasp behind me and both Nate and I ran inside the house.
"What, what happened?" Nate and I said simultaneously looking at Hailey trying to figure out what was the problem.
"You did not watch Arrow without me." Hailey had her arms folded over her chest and rolled her eyes at me with an attitude and I chuckled at her.
"Are you serious? You almost made me catch a heart attack, H, don't do that." Nate said softly pushing Hailey into the sofa.
"Aw, I like H, that's too cute," I said that and noticed that Nate blushed and quickly looked away.
"Oh yeah, my mom gave her that nickname so everyone started calling her that today and it stuck on me." Nate never looked at Hailey or me, so I knew he was lying about something.
"That's not what she told me." Hailey teased. "But excuse me Cissy explain this." I looked up at Hailey and she was pointing towards the paused TV waiting to hear what I had to say.
"You were at Nate's house and I didn't feel like waiting for you." Usually when Hailey and I were bored in the house after she got out of school we would watch Arrow together, but the show was getting too good to wait for Hailey. I was furious with Thea because she decided to train with Malcolm Merlyn. She found out that Roy was working with the Arrow so she was mad at him because he promised her that he would leave the fighting alone. I still think Thea is being over dramatic by going to be with Malcom after everything she knows he did. Malcolm may be her father even though she didn't know, but I just know Malcolm isn't good news at all. I'm still shocked at the training he gave her, which was pouring boiling hot water onto her bare hands. What's the deal with that?
"I don't care; you should have watched something else. You're going to rewind this and we're watching it over together." Hailey was right I shouldn't have watched it yet, but I needed to know what was going to happen next.
A car honked outside and Nate rolled his eyes. "Nate you should go, your sister is waiting for you," I told Nate.
"Thanks for everything best friend." Hailey gave Nate a hug in a tight koala wrap and he grunted in pain.
"Argh, Chelsie are you going to come out and say hi to my sister at least." I panicked because I didn't really want to say anything to her or what I would really say.
"Maybe next time Nate, but tell your family thanks for taking care of my sister." I'm not sure what information Nate and his family know about me, but I do know that he always talks about Hailey, so they probably or probably may not know anything about the mysterious big sister.
"Alright, no problem." Nate managed to escape Hailey's hug and ran off outside before his sister honked again.
Hailey threw herself down on the couch and yawned staring intensely at the paused television, I knew she was thinking about something because I do the same thing. I needed to tell her that it happened again, but I didn't want to worry her, I don't need Hailey to be worried about me all of the time I just want her to think about school and that's it. I never keep anything a secret from Hailey, but I have to do it this time because it's for her own protection and good, if she ever knew though, she would tell me that enough is enough and to just let's go far away. It's hard having to be the strong big sister when inside I'm actually weak and fragile, I always feel like a nobody and that I won't ever get it together. I want one day Hailey to look back and realize that I tried everything that I could to keep her safe, I just want her to be proud of me.
As I sat down and looked at Hailey I noticed that instead of having the ponytail I did in her hair this morning that she had two braided pigtails in her hair. "I like the pigtails."
Hailey jumped in surprise because she didn't notice that I sat down next to her. "Oh thanks, Nate's mom did it for me after I messed up my hair." Hailey touched the braids on her head and smiled up at me.
"You're so pretty, Hailey." Hailey's cheeks turned a bright pink and I appreciated that I could make her smile because sometimes it can be hard also when I can't even make myself smile. "Where'd you get those clothes?"
Hailey looked down at the outfit she had on, which was now a black turtle neck and dark jeans. It looks very pretty on her, but I asked her about the clothes because I know I sent her to school in her uniform. "It was Nate's sister old clothes that don't fit her anymore and it fitted me so she said that I can have it," Hailey said standing up and spinning around in a circle showing me the full outfit.
"You look gorgeous, but why aren't you in your uniform sweetie?" I asked out of curiosity because sometimes you just have to know what happened and mainly since I knew what Hailey had on when we left this morning so not seeing her with her uniform on, it's not something that I'm used too.
"Oh, it's a funny story, so after dinner Nate and his family do this thing, I don't remember what it's called. But listen, Cissy, I'm telling you they take nasty to a whole new level." Hailey's face saying that was priceless and I could only imagine what she meant by that.
"I don't even want to know what you actually mean by that." I scanned Hailey's face and she looked happy, happier than she has been in the past couple of months, well more like past couple of years. Seeing her this happy, I couldn't stop smiling at her and she noticed and raised her eyebrows at me.
"What Cissy?" Hailey snapped her fingers in front of my face to get her undivided attention.
"Nothing, you just look really happy." I grabbed Hailey and wrapped her up in a tight bear hug.
"Ouch, that's a really tight grip." Hailey bit my ear and I let go of her quickly and she fell onto the couch. "And I am really happy, I had such great time with Nate and his family."
"I'm glad you had fun." I think I should let Hailey spend time with Nate more often, I shouldn't have her punished because of what I have to go through. If I want to stay locked up in my room all day, I shouldn't want the same for Hailey. Hailey's still young and she needs to get all the happiness and freedom she can get until she can fend for herself, but it's just that I get worried about her. It's difficult to let her have fun without me because anything can happen to her while I'm not there and I'll blame myself for being stupid and letting her go in the first place, but when I send her with Nate it's different. I have this feeling in my heart that when Hailey is with Nate she's safe and protected. I know that Nate isn't the type of person that would intentionally hurt my sister, I know when it comes to him that he can be trusted. That's weird to me because I don't trust anyone, after my mother left and after my best friend stopped keeping in touch with me, I lost my trust in people. The only person that is ever there for me is Hailey and she always will be, so that's the reason why it's hard for me to let her go anywhere, that little girl truly means everything to me, she's my heart.
"What are you thinking about?" Hailey was staring at me snapping her little sassy fingers in front of my face.
"I was just thinking that you should spend time with Nate and his family more often, only if they don't mind, though." I saw a smile light up on Hailey's face and she jumped up in excitement.
"Of course, they don't mind, they actually liked that I finally came. They've been waiting for me for a while now, they were curious to find out who was the best friend of Nate. His whole family was very warm and welcoming to me and they want to meet you as well." I don't get why Nate family wants to meet me, but I guess it's a nice feeling.
"Hail, you didn't tell them anything, right?" I know that Hailey knows better than to tell them anything about what's going on, but accidents happen and she could've slipped up.
"Cissy, personally that's not my business to tell." Hailey was sincere and I believed that she really didn't say anything that our father could possibly hear and find out we told anyone.
"Thanks, I do appreciate everything you do for me." Hailey frowned at me and I instantly became worried. "What's wrong?"
"Nate told me what happened." Hailey looked at me in my face with so much concern written all over hers, I hate when she gets like that because I don't need her to be concerned about me.
"He wasn't supposed to tell you anything." I wanted Nate to take Hailey for me because I didn't want her to know what happened to me, also because she doesn't need to see me after I'm raped.
"Nate told me because he's worried about you, I'm worried about you." Sometimes I don't get why Hailey doesn't understand that I don't need her to be worried about me. It's not that I don't want help or anything, it's just because there is absolutely nothing that I can do. I just need Hailey to understand that for once.
"Hail, please just stop worrying about me because it's not doing any good for the both of us."
"Ok, but why don't you just talk to someone, or maybe even Nate's parents, they can help us you know." Hailey was being very persistent for some extraordinary reason and it was getting me just a little bit annoyed at her.
"Hailey, you know I can't talk to anyone because it's not going to do any good. I don't know why your being so stubborn today for some odd reason. Don't ask me again to talk to Nate and his family because I won't. You of all people should know already that our father is very known here and for me to say anything, he'll find out and who knows what more he'll do to me, so Hailey I'm asking you from the bottom of my heart to just drop it." I snapped and at the very moment after I regretted it because I never yell at Hailey, but I just needed her to understand why I was saying no. I scratched the back of my head about to apologize for yelling at her, but she sighed.
"I'm sorry for trying to help, I won't do it again." Hailey turned quickly on her heels and ran upstairs to the bedroom.
Why does Hailey have to be so stubborn and sensitive sometimes, it's just difficult for me and I need her to understand that. I want Hailey to understand that it is sometimes better to keep silent than to tell others what you feel because it hurts badly when you come to know that they can hear you, but they can't understand the pain and suffering that you're actually going through. It's hard being felt like a prisoner all the time, it's depressing that I could walk down the street right now and yell at the top of my lungs that I'm being raped by Mr. Gray and not a single person would believe the words that came out of my mouth. That's the reason I hold a lot in, when I'm upset I don't like to tell anyone. Especially when it comes to the reason of why I feel the way I do, and no matter what it is I'm going through my answer will always be 'I'm fine' even if it's not true.
After all, wouldn't everyone be much better without me anyway? I just can't get myself to let go because Hailey means way too much to me. I sighed and slowly got off of the couch and made my way upstairs and quietly knocked on Hailey's and I room door. "Hail, it's me," I whispered.
"Come in." I walked into the room and Hailey was laying down on the bed reading I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you." Hailey put her bookmark inside of her book and looked up at me with a blank expression on her face. "Don't look at me like that."
"You don't have to apologize, I know I can get a little carried away sometimes. Cissy, it's just that I hate what you have to go through." Hailey started tearing up. "It hurts when you go through something that kills you inside but you have to act like it doesn't affect you. I know you don't want me hurting for you so I'm going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like it's all a dream, and pretend it's not hurting me. I just want you to keep in consideration that I am tired of everything and I'm slowly giving up, I may have a smile on my face but on the inside I'm screaming for help."
Hearing Hailey tell me these things made me realize that I'm not the only one who's suffering, but she is as well, she may not be the one getting raped or abused but she's experiencing pain by pretending that she's fine and that everything is alright. All this time, I thought I was doing a good job at protecting my sister, when all I was doing was making everything worse. I don't even know how to feel about myself anymore because I've been such a bad sister. "Hail, I'm so sorry."
I sat on the bed next to Hailey and gave her a hug and we cried on each other's shoulder, this made me realize that all we have is each other. Hailey is someone who will always be there, who will always care and whose shoulder I can cry on. She will defend me to others even when I'm wrong, she will always stick by my side and she will always have my back. Even though I hate it I know I need to communicate with her because communication is that fuel that keeps the fire in our relationship burning, and when we forget about communication we become cold towards one another.
"Promise me that you won't leave me." When Hailey said that I kind of broke because I always thought that I made it clear that I would always be there for her no matter what.
"I promise, why would I ever leave?" I picked up Hailey's face so she could look at me so I could hear her answer.
"Why wouldn't you? Mom left, so I figured you could do the same if our own mother walked out on us without a problem or any care about our safety. Cissy, she never even came back for us." Hailey was right, but I need her to understand that I am not our mother and I won't ever leave her no matter what.
"Hail, listen to me even if I have a million reasons to leave you, there's always that one reason that will always make me stay. I would never leave you, I would never hurt you and I will never stop loving you. I've been here with you this far, what makes you think I'm going anywhere now? I'm in this until it's over and then even after that I still won't be leaving." I'm going through it, but right now Hailey is my main priority and she's what matters to me the most, so trust me I won't ever dear try to leave her.
If I ever leave Hailey, it means I'm weak just like our mother and I am far from that. I may have lost track of the number of times I have wanted to give up, but I'm still here so there is nobody in the word that can tell me I am weak.
"I love you so much Cissy and I'm sorry for ever doubting you." Hailey jumped on me and we both fell back onto the bed.
"Don't worry, I love you more." I continuously placed a bunch of kisses on Hailey's cheek. "But I want to know everything, how big is Nate's family?"
"Nate lives with his mom and dad, but his older sister was at the house to meet me. His big brother couldn't make it today because he was out running and then apparently had to go to the office." Hailey said taking the braided pigtails out of her hair.
"An older brother, huh?"
***
This morning Nate came to get Hailey to take her bowling, he said it was an early birthday celebration for her. I was a little skeptical about it at first, but I let loose and finally said fine. The past two days Hailey had gone to Nate's house because yesterday they were having a dinner and the night before it was their family game night. Hailey has been on my ass about going with her, but I told her once I'm ready I'll decide to go. I also let Hailey go today because I need to start planning what it is I want to do for Hailey on her birthday, I know her birthday isn't for another two weeks but I want to be prepared and make sure it's the best birthday she ever had. Since our mother left I didn't really do anything too much for her, we would just make a cake together and get ice cream and sit around eating it.
This year I want it to be different for Hailey because she's going to be fourteen. FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN! I was fourteen when my mother walked out on us. I was fourteen when my father first raped me. I was fourteen when everything in my life changed for the worse. I don't want Hailey to remember fourteen the way I remember it.
I looked at the clock on my dresser and noticed it's thirty minutes past noon. Shit! I totally forgot that today is Saturday and I'm supposed to make my father brunch so he can get ready for his work and today I'm late and I already know what's going to happen to me. I quickly ran down the stairs and towards the kitchen and was stopped in my tracks when I saw him. He was already sitting on the counter reading a newspaper and he had his whiskey pocket hip flask sitting right in front of him. He glanced up at me from reading his newspaper and I could see the anger in his eyes, but if you saw my father on the streets you would be mesmerized by his looks, his dirty blonde hair, and his tall muscular figure. But behind those captivating blue eyes, I saw the drunk and monster he really is.
"Chelsie!" My father barked and I cringed from the base in his voice.
"Yes, Mr. Gray," I whispered in fear, but I knew my father heard me because he stood up and walked towards me like he was marauder ready to attack his victim.
My father slapped me across the face, but I had no time to react. "Don't you ever forget to make my brunch again." My father yelled at me and I cowered in fear, still holding onto my face. I was in shock from the impact of the slap that I was still in the same spot even after my father went upstairs to get ready.
I know I shouldn't be doing this, but I went upstairs and knocked on my father's door slowly opening it. "Father?" My father appeared at the door attempting to fix his tie on his suit.
"What do you want?" As my father yelled at me I immediately regretted that I knocked on my father's door.
"Hailey's birthday is coming up." His face looked like it lit up for a second, but it immediately changed when he caught me staring at him.
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO THEN?" My father yelled at me with so much anger like if I was telling him this for my own benefit, I was telling him this for the sake of Hailey because honestly if it was me I could really careless.
"You could act like a father for once, or you could at least pretend to care that it's Hailey's birthday. I may not need you in my life, but Hailey is still young so get your shit together and stop fucking up, just for Hailey." The minute I looked up at my father I knew what was coming next and I steadied myself for the pain that I was about to receive. It's not like I wasn't accustomed to his abuse anyway, this is our way of a daily bonding. Note the sarcasm. I realized my slipup the second those words came out of my mouth, I knew that I was in deep trouble. Everything happened in a flash of an eye that the whole world was spinning at the bottom of my feet. The slap left a ringing vibration on my face and my ears, and the room started to dim as my eyes closed slowly.
I then started to feel the pain and I felt the impact of the icy cold tile floor that was underneath my fragile body. I put my hand up to my face and felt the blood from my nose dripping onto my hand and I laid on the floor crying in pain. "Don't you ever talk to me like that, or I would drag you down the stairs by your hair." My father walked off leaving me on the tile floor bleeding my pain away.
"Yes, father," I whispered sarcastically before slowly getting up to make my way to the bathroom to clean myself up.
After my father pulled out of the drive way, I decided I needed to sleep for a really long time. I grabbed the sleeping pills out of the cabinet and swallowed down a load of pills with a little bit of white wine I had hiding in my room, and then I laid down on my bed in the dark. I waited for days, months and years of depression to slowly drift away, but I could only think about Hailey. I told myself that if I worked hard that one day I could provide for both Hailey and I and give us a future with nice things. I've always dreamed of giving up, but I didn't think it would end up this way. I felt my eyes slowly closing and my body falling into a deep slumber, something I haven't done in a while.
Hailey, I need you.
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