Chapter 18: Chapter 11

Everything around me feels so different, so weird. Everything feels more. I felt more alive and on top of the world and really fucking great at first, now I feel like I'm going down and down. I feel like nothing in this world is good and I don't know how you'd find the good. The "good" people aren't really good. They're bad. They hurt the "bad" people. In society that's all it is good and bad. Then you have criminals/prisoners. They seem to be what everyone says are the worst. But you don't know every single one of their stories, you don't know why he did coke or why she stole groceries or why he was taking Xanax. You don't know whose world is upside down and who's isn't. Everyone has a story, a reason. Maybe his cousin died, maybe he had a bad home life, and he didn't have another way to cope. Maybe he needed an escape and that's what he found first. Maybe her kids needed food and she didn't have the money to feed them. Maybe he needed help and everyone refused to give it to him. Maybe it would have just took one person that didn't automatically assume things, one person that would just actually talk, and try to help. Yet the world is shitty and everyone gets labeled as a bad person for one mistake, just one wrong thing. One thing. One cut. One fight. One drug. One mistake. Being caught with the "wrong crowd". You get labeled for being gay or trans. People hate you for being who you are. They hate you for thinking how you want to. You're hated if you aren't "normal",and the world is fucked up and unfair. People set all these standards for everyone yet they can't meet them themselves. But in the end everyone has to find some sort of happiness in their life and if he is my only happiness I'd live a good life. Not everyone is lucky enough to do that. And I am. Me of all people. I get hit with only bad things, and the universe gave me one good thing, just one, and it's him. He is my whole world and I could never do this without him. I want to get married to him and settle down and have a house and kids with him. I want to be able to come home after a long day of work and see him. I want him to come home from a long day of work and see me. I want to be able to raise kids with him. I want to be able to look into his eyes and tell him how much I love him, in person, every single day for the rest of my life because he deserves all of the love in the world he deserves love more than anyone else I know. And quite frankly I've fallen for him, very hard, and I am in love with him. He thinks so lowly of himself, and i don't even get how. I wish that I could just take all his pain away and give it to myself. I wish that he didn't have to worry about me and my problems because I know he has his own. I never want to hurt him. I don't ever want to make him mad at me again because that fight was really hard for me tbh. I thought I was going to lose him and it would have all been my fault. I am honestly pissed at myself for even that. And i'm so glad that he loves me like he does. He loves me in a way nobody else has. I don't want to leave this world and I'm not going to kill myself. But these are my deepest thoughts I can think right now, they're the thoughts that are always in my brain that i don't straight up say. I wish that I could just say anything I want to any person i needed to but I can't. I want to just message everyone and tell them how I feel. Not like a cute paragraph I'd write my boyfriend, but like paragraphs about friends. I feel like I'm never clear enough with people and they don't get I appreciate them. I hate the feelings I am feeling and coke isn't for me. I can never do it again, and I don't want to. But I'm so scared I will lose him to it. I'm scared he will leave just like every other good thing has. I need to not think the worst if things though, that's something I'm really trying to work on. Life is weird, and all it does is get weirder. The world is completely subjective. We are just machines that run on food. We gain knowledge through perception. Yeah just kidding, I'm not tripping enough to write about that kind of shit. We are still on fucking Nicole. I guess this is not my first forensic interview, but it is my first one because of her, directly. So I'm not at all looking forward to this and my feelings are everywhere. No, she never touched me, nor did her boyfriends. However they said things and made innuendos creepy enough to be something I discuss in therapy. I wish this weren't a thing, but maybe had her ex not asked if I could get ducked by him while she eats me out this wouldn't be necessary. Maybe if she just hadn't fucking asked me if that was something I would be okay with, I wouldn't have to talk to a detective about it. Emotional and mental abuse is such hell because there is rarely physical proof but there's evidence in every thought I have. It's all a bunch of bullshit. I don't wanna have to deal with this, it kills me. The things she said and did, though never physical, are killing me. It gets to me constantly and I just want it to stop. I want everything that has to do with her to be over with. Imagine. She let her 38 year old boyfriend talk sexually to me. That's disgusting. She knew it was going on. "Don't tell your father" "if he finds out he will kill us both", I can still hear her say those things to me, it gets repeated in my head over and over. And it doesn't stop. They are just intrusive thoughts that I hear again and again and again. Intrusive memories at that.