Chapter 13: Pain

Nick just asked you to sit next to him. It's like he heard the thoughts you were thinking. You want to hold him and caress him. You want to comfort him and take away every suffering. You want to make him whole again. You look deep into his eyes and then you smile at him.

"Of course I will..."

You can hear him audibly breathing a breath of relief. You walk over and sit just a view inches from him. He smiles back at you but it doesn't reach his eyes.

"Thank you"

"Anytime, Nick"

He proceeds to eat the bars while you just sit in silence. You catch yourself just staring at him. You wonder what it would be like to have his arm around you and feel the safety that he radiates. You see that he struggles to eat his snack bar. It's like he wants to break but all that's holding him together is his body. You dare to break the ice.

"How are you feeling?"

"Uhm...well...I mean-"

"Sorry, what I meant to say is, are you feeling better after eating something?"

Relief fills his face and he looks at you. The pain isn't hiding anymore, it's now sitting one the surface of his eyes. He wants to open up and let you in but hesitation lingers around him.

"Much better, thank you"

You know what you should do now, but you're afraid that he won't let you in. You have to try because of the deep respect that you have for him, overcomes any fear you might have not to try to help him. You move an inch closer to him.

"Nick...I would like to do something...if you don't mind?"

He looks at you and you see he wants to be cocky and say something funny but he's too depleted, he's unstable.

"Okay"

"I know that you've gone through something and I know you can't talk about it right now but I just want to show you...you're not alone..."

You help him up from his chair and then you put your arm slowly around his board, muscled back, then pull him in for a hug. He's entire being tense up and goes stiff but then it's like he opens up to you, he pulls you up tight against him. You feel his body starting to shake. He buries his face in your hair and he gives over to you. His shaking becomes more and more and then you realize that he's crying. You hold on to him tighter. He doesn't let go.

"I'm here....I'm right here...just let it out"

He starts to sob uncontrollably and you see this strong, powerful man starting to crumble before you. You feel the heavy, deep pain he holds, unloading on you and you welcome it. You want him to let it out. He moans into your hair.

"It should've been me..."

His sobs become louder as he falls down to his knees. You bend down and fall down to your knees next to him. You put a hand on his back.

"Nick, tel me, what happened?"

"It should've been me and now...now Mike doesn't fucking gets to go back to his ...wife...ever again"

His words hit you right in the heart. (Oh god, no! He had to see his friend die...Dammit!)

You move to sit in front of him and takes his face into your hands. His entire face is soaking wet and you force him to look into your eyes. You put your cheek next to his.

"Listen to me, Nick....Listen carefully to me now...are you listening?"

He speaks with a cracked voice. "Yeah?"

You move your cheek away from his and you put your forehead against his.

"This isn't your fault...Nick, do you hear me...this...is...not...your fault..."

You hear how he audibly breathe out a breath. You hear his sobs slowly disappearing. He curses under his breath. "Fuck"

In the distance, you hear footsteps coming closer. You stand up and quickly realize's it's Helena's footsteps. Nick looks up at you.

"I'm so so sorry. I have to go..."

"No...wait!"

You turn around and disappear into the darkness. You run as fast as you can back to your tent and you fall on the ground. Everything comes crashing down on you, all Nick's pain, John, Helena, and the fact that you want to be close to Nick. You start to cry.

NICK'S POINT OF VIEW

He watches you leave and then he also hears someone coming closer. He turns away from the footsteps and tries to wipe away all his tears. It's bac enough that you saw him break down, which should never have happened in the first place. He stands up and act as if he was tying his shoe. He feels a hand around his waist and in an instant, he knows it's Helena. He wants to turn and hug her but his feelings for her are slowly disappearing.

"Hey, baby, what are you doing out here this time of night?"

"Oh, I uhm, just wanted some time alone, I guess..."

"Yeah, you do usually need some time alone after a mission"

...and that's where she's wrong. He never wanted to be alone after a mission. The first time they started dating, he had a mission and she just ignored him after the mission as if he was nowhere important for the past few days. He then hinted that he needed some company but she was always too busy or too tired.

He thought it was only that one time but he soon learned that she never kept him company after any mission. He's not a man that needs a lot of attention but he just needs to know that there's someone that cares about him too. He cares about the country and it's people, someone needs to remind him why he cares.

Then, Kim comes along and in a few moments, almost took away the immense pain his going through, lifting the heavy load he's carrying and restoring him to wake up tomorrow, ready to face the world again.

"What are you doing here this time of night?"

"Oh...uhm...I...I guess I couldn't sleep...yeah that's it"

"Okay, well, I'm exhausted. I heading back

"Yeah, that's a good idea, me too

Nick looks at her confused. "Thought you couldn't sleep?"

"Uhm..I mean, I'm just going to check up on my patient and then go to bed. Goodnight, babe"

She throws her arms around his neck and kiss him goodnight with a peck. She turns around and walks towards the hospital tent. He stares after her but he's just too tired to even think. He goes back to his tent and fall asleep immediately.

KIM'S POINT OF VIEW

You sit in your dark tent and your tears have finally dried up. You just stare at the floor. You're not focusing on thee floor but your thoughts are with John. You've been with him for ten years but you've never felt the feelings that you've felt when you are around Nick these past few days. You look back on your relationship and you realize that you've become comfortable with each other but now that you're away from him, you know that your love was only convenient.

He was always there but there wasn't ever a spark like there's with Nick. You were the cheerleader and he was the jock and you were the perfect couple in everyone's eyes but what about your eyes? Did you just do what was expected of you? Following the status quo?

(I should let go of John. I should end it with him. It will be better for him and me. I need to do this for me. I need to focus on my life here, right now. My attention should be here, the soldiers depend on my to keep them healthy and Nick...well, Nick has someone)