Chapter 3: Chapter 2
Dear mama,
Today uncle Taju's friends visited the house and Atinuke called me downstairs to greet them. They were three of them that came, they look so big I felt really small.
At first, I just stared at them without knowing what to say then I remembered I should greet them. I told them ' eku rele ' as it was evening. Mummy Tinu kept eyeing me as if I was doing something wrong but I don't know what it is.
They looked at me curiously as if waiting for me to do something, I just looked back at them. When the silence was getting unbearable one of them broke the silence by asking me to come closer.
When I was near enough he asked me how my day was and how I was finding my holiday, to which I replied fine. I noticed the ludo board on a center table and asked very politely if they were playing and if I could join. They looked at each other as if I'd done something really strange.
My uncle's wife called my name as if to warn me but I remained entirely clueless to what I had done wrong. I also saw Atinu shaking her head. It was then I became frightened. Had they found out that I was an aje? Like Atinuke accused me.
Were they going to drag me to someplace and burn me alive? Uncle Taju must have sensed my fear because he gave me a reassuring smile and told me it was fine if I wanted to play with them. I joined them and won. They gave me sweets and money.
Later in day Mummy Tinu came to my room. She said I was very rude to my uncle's friends. I wondered what my sins were. She said that whenever I greet anybody I should go down on my knees. She also told me I should never ask adults if I can participate in a game they were playing. If at all I play I should not try to show off my skills but rather I should fail deliberately to show respect.
Respect? Mama, she was really angry when she scolded me. It was like I had embarrassed her but I didn't see where I had gone wrong. Neither my uncle nor his friends seemed angry. I know she has been looking for an opportunity to scold me and this seems like a good one.
Anyway it doesn't matter I miss you I even miss the few times when you lose your cool and raise your voice
Dear mama,
last night I overheard uncle taju, grandmother, and mummy tinu talking. I know it's wrong to eavesdrop but it wasn't intentional.
I was going to the kitchen to get some water in the kitchen, it must have been the time will be right to see my mother he only smiled and told me to be a good girl and make my mother proud.
I told him that I have always been a good girl and that I miss you so much, he told me to continue being good. Mama but I have been good and you know It. I don't tell lies and I always do my work on time, so why did you leave me alone.
You left without even saying a proper goodbye, was it something I did? Did you leave because of what Beatrice said to you last summer in California? She told you I was probably the reason why you had no husband, no one wanted to build a family with a woman who has another man's child. You did tell me that day that I was all the family you will ever need and you will never leave me alone no matter what. Then everything seemed perfect and I did believe you completely.
I'm trying to believe you even now that you will never leave me. You didn't leave me to build another family and have other children, did you?
Even though it hurts to even think it I will still wish you good luck and hope you find the happiness that you deserve... I love you mama
Dear mama,
Why mama? I don't want to believe Atinuke, you are not gone forever, are you? You will still come back to me, right? Why will Atinuke say you are in the grave? The grave is only meant for dead people. Not for you.
I got into a fight with Atinuke today. Boy is she a big bully and really dirty too. I saw her trying on my jeans. It was the one you bought me the day my Jean ripped when we were on our way to Anna's birthday party and there was no way you could turn back home for me to change to something else because we were already late.
I was really grateful for my own Jean had torn when I saw the new one you bought, although you chose randomly it became my favorite pair of jeans. She was shocked when I came in, she was obviously not expecting me as I had just gone down to have dinner.
The ridiculous thing is that she's so fat the jean couldn't go up to her thigh. I told her to hand my jeans over and it wouldn't size her anyways because she was too fat to fit into it. She got really mad when I said this.
She told me I was a spoilt brat and I was nothing more than a rotten bastard. Mum you know I hate it when people tell me that as if I actually had no father.
I told her she didn't know what she was talking about. Everything was fine until she told me to go meet my mother in the grave. I told her she was drunk and my mom was in no grave.
She said I was an ' aje ' and I killed my mother. Killed my mother? All hell broke loose. I charged at her with fury blinding my eyes. I remember pulling her hair and hitting her severely whilst telling her that she didn't know anything.
I can still remember the shocked look on her black face. Her big size didn't matter anymore, I hit her till everyone in the house came rushing to my room.No one could stop me. I was shocked cause I couldn't guess where all the strength was coming from.
I stopped hitting her and I could see blood all over. I screamed and kept shouting to no one in particular. Uncle Taju came closer to me and told me to calm down. I told him to ' leave me the fuck alone '. All the adults looked stunned I was stunned myself.
I grew weak all of a sudden and started crying. I cried till I had no tears left to shed. I fell unconscious.
Dear mama,
I didn't know how long it is I was unconscious for, I only know I woke up to a strange white room. I tried to move my body but I felt too weak to do anything.
I just continued to stare at the white ceiling trying to remember how I got here. I only remembered fighting with Atinuke but I couldn't remember past that. I was still in my own world when I heard the door creak I turned to see Uncle Taju peeking in like a thief.
He saw I had seen him then he walked into the room slowly like he was afraid I will suddenly turn into a wild animal. Considering my reaction to Atinuke I wasn't too surprised. I smiled a little then told him it was ok he smiled back like we shared some secret then made his way to my bedside.
He didn't say anything and it didn't look like he was going to, so I decided to break the silence. I told him I was sorry about what happened, he took my hand in his and said I didn't have to be. I asked him if Atinuke was alright he said she was.
Then I asked him if what Atinike said about you was true, he didn't have to give me a reply the look on his face said it all. I couldn't cry even if I wanted to, I was too numb to do so and I had no strength.
I just looked at the ceiling wondering if maybe I would catch a glimpse of you. Not too long after grandmother came into the room with swollen eyes, from her looks I could tell she had been crying for a long time.
She offered me a sad smile that I couldn't even respond to as the world turned black again.
Dear mama,
I am trying to come terms with the fact that you will no longer be around for me ever. You have gone to a place where I can not follow you.
It would have been better if you had abandoned me and you were still someplace I could find you but no you had to leave me alone in this world where I am clueless.
So I will never see you in the morning to remind me to say my prayers, you will not be there each night to tuck me in bed and kiss me good night. I will never eat the meals you prepare especially your pancake.
Why did you have to go? Was it really necessary? So it is true that I will not hear your lovely voice and see your sweet smile.
Are you really gone from me, mama? What about all the unfulfilled promises and plans for the future? You still haven't baked me the chocolate cake you promised you will, we haven't traveled to all the beautiful places you said you'll take me to.
You haven't still introduced me to my father, there are so many ' you haven't ' but it doesn't matter 'cause you will not be there to make it happen.
I remember when you told me you'll stay with me for as long as you can, is this the longest you can stay with me for?
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