Chapter 2: Memories
At the beginning everything was funny and fun, and very quickly I started to feel attracted.
He would tell me his love problems and I would joke about it, we had many things in common, like: TV series, music, junk food, he even studied near the university where I was studying.
One day, without even knowing him in person, I proposed to him, told him that I liked him, and to my surprise, he liked me too.
From that moment on, we both started dating virtually, we sent each other voice notes, we called each other, we tried to write to each other all day long, we were like a couple in love, but with the small detail of not having seen each other in person yet, not having had a first date, much less, having formalized what we were starting to have.
By the time I met him, he was already finishing his mid-year classes, so he was just going to college to check his grades.
I remember that one day I woke up very sick, so Eros and I had arranged to meet for the first time, but the day before I couldn't answer the messages he had written to me because he had gone to the hospital; so, when I told him how bad he was, he said that there was no problem, that we could meet another day, that if he had already waited so long, he could wait a little longer. My reaction to what he said was one of gratitude for being so understanding, as I really felt bad; but I also really liked what he said, was it really worth the wait?
After a while, some friends of mine told me that I had to go to the university to present a paper, that the teacher was not going to give me a second chance and that I had to go, so I had no choice but to put on the first thing I found and go there.
On the way I wrote to Eros, telling him
- Baby, today if we can see each other, if you're still at your university, you could pick me up in half an hour.
Instantly I got a message, saying:
- I'm still here, let me know fifteen minutes before you leave, I'll be right there.
Time passed and I told him I would be out and that I would meet him at a restaurant.
When I left my college, I started looking for him; I felt like the "Catfish" program, because I didn't know if that guy in the pictures was him or someone else.
I couldn't recognize him, I could only see a group of kids at the door of the restaurant, so I asked him by text message if he was alone and he said he was with his friends. I assumed he was in that group.
When I got closer, I heard that a friend of his made a sick joke and I didn't like it, I'm very jealous, even of a joke, no joke. But when I saw him, I just hugged him, because it was what I wanted to do for a long time.
Then his friends left and he and I were left alone.
Since I couldn't do much about what I was sick, and he had to pick up some missing notes, we went to a park to talk; that park was beautiful, like a dream.
I could not see him much in the eyes, as his gaze was very strong and to tell the truth, I felt very intimidated.
Little by little the hours passed and we both had to leave.
I said goodbye and he got on the bus. I did not know that this would be the first and last time I would see him, until what happened happened happened.
He, from my point of view, was a boy who was always surrounded by his friends, always going out, going to parties, and that was a lifestyle that didn't work with me; seeing him surrounded by girls made me jealous, I had already been cheated on, and I didn't want to trust so easily again, especially not by someone I was just getting to know, and because I met him on the Internet.
Maybe at some moments my behavior was not the best, jealousy was taking over my being, it was not something I had control over so easily, and it was not healthy for him either. When I was jealous of him I didn't want to talk to him again, I deleted his cell phone number as an easier solution for me, thinking that way, I could erase him from my life.
He made it more complicated, he's like the dream person, the one who doesn't give up, the one who wants to solve things in the moment, the one who would be able to come to your house to look for you, the one who would surprise you at any moment, the one who can show up at the door of your university waiting for you to talk, running the risk that you don't want to and leave him alone in the middle of the crowd.
He would send me messages on my cell phone every time he bothered me, saying:
- Valentina, don't leave it here, don't give up, try it with me, take a chance, you don't have to get like this, you know I love you, you are the only one I like, understand that.
I couldn't respond, jealousy still had complete control of my body.
What can I do to not get hurt? - That was my question, I was already googling it.
A few days passed and he wrote me, sent me a song, which by the way, I never had the chance to tell him that it was very beautiful.
I answered him cold and sharp, I was still upset.
- Are you still upset? Being so bitter will make you get wrinkles and look like a raisin, you're too pretty for that. - was what he wrote.
- Did you get upset because I went to a party? - was the next question that he did.
- That's not what bothered me - I answered.
- Then what? I want to understand you - he said.
- It was the picture you put up with your friend - I said.
- Oh, was it? It's like my sister, it doesn't mean anything, if you want to change your picture, don't be bitter about it. - he said.
Jealousy is something that, as I said, I cannot control, and he knew how to calm me down, he knew how to control it, he was so sweet to me that it made my jealousy surrender to him.
Eros was terribly charming, you could say that, he was a kid out of a fairy tale; and I am a fan of fairy tales, especially Disney productions. He was too charming to be real, and I've been through so much to trust again.
I was getting my hopes up, and I felt that was playing against me.
I think I was feeling so much that I sometimes wrote "I love you" to him, although I don't know if he felt everything I wanted to convey to him in that phrase.
Maintaining a relationship is complicated, even more so if you don't see that person, and you can only see the states he uploads to Instagram or Snapchat. Your thoughts can wear you down.
Sometimes I felt that his answers were not entirely sincere, as if he were hiding something he obviously did not want me to know.
I wrote to him:
- You can trust me.
- I'm glad you told me that, really. - he replied.
- You can trust me too, for everything you need. - he added.
After that we changed the subject, he sent me a meme about the friendzone.
- Remember you used to do that to me in the beginning, when we were just starting to talk? - he wrote in a mocking tone.
- I still do - I said, only in an annoying way.
- You're so mean, it's broken my heart. Thank you. - he said
- Just kidding - I said laughing.
- First you break my heart and now you try to stick it - he wrote, dramatizing the conversation.
After that joke we talked about my jealousy, that she didn't care how jealous I was, that she liked me just the way I was.
I don't know at what point we talked about me having an ex-boyfriend's T-shirt of mine, he just happened to respond:
- Ah! The ex's stuff, interesting. - He wrote it down adding a thoughtful emoji.
The next day I had an exhibition, in which I was approved; all our conversations were between our free times of the day, we both studied a lot, so we didn't have much time to write to each other.
I told him that I had done very well, he congratulated me.
- I am the best hahaha - I said.
He answered after a while.
- I have just left the cinema, I think I will see another film - he wrote.
- What did you see? - he asked.
- My favorite villain - he replied.
- What a cute baby! - I said affectionately.
- I loved it, I felt like a child - he said very excited.
- You are a boy, baby - I said.
- Hahaha, a little bit, baby - he answered.
- You and me, cinema the other week - he added.
- Is that a proposal? - I answered, continuing his encouragement to see us again and have a date.
- It's an affirmation - he replied, with much confidence.
Logically I accepted, although as I said, we only met once.
He used to make fun of my jealousy all the time; he didn't care what so many dramas I could do to him, I told him that if being jealous was a subject in college, I would surely get the highest grade. He said that sometimes he didn't notice my jealousy, but then he told me that he did notice it and that he didn't care because he knew that I wouldn't do anything to make him jealous.
He was very affectionate, I liked that, I felt that he was conquering my heart little by little, that he was penetrating the shell that he had created after the first time I was cheated.
Sometimes I was upset because he came home very late, he said it was because he left his last class too late, but my jealousy did not believe him.
Sometimes I think it's not jealousy, but my insecurities.
I loved it when he kept me company every time I had to get up early to do work. I knew he was sleepy, and he still decided to stay with me.
When he told me he was sick, I was worried. I didn't want anything to happen to the person I loved most, even though I was a bit clumsy taking care of someone.
He was always sending me nice messages, and I didn't know what to say. I thought he didn't like it when we met; then I realized I was the insecure one.
Eros always insisted that we had to go out and meet again
I still don't understand why I didn't go out with him again.
I was confused, because even though he told me how much he liked me, I couldn't tell him the same thing, even though I felt it, I think.
He wanted to formalize, but how do you formalize a relationship with someone you don't see?
Eros was very understanding, he said it was fine the way we were; I think he didn't want to leave me, much less had he planned that whatever it was between us would end.
- I don't talk to anyone else the way I talk to you - I told him so he would be sure of my feelings.
- I don't talk to anyone else the way I talk to you either - he replied.
After that conversation, things started to get cold.
I didn't talk to him the same way anymore, we didn't call each other, now it took days to respond.
Maybe I should have hidden my confusion, or maybe I should have behaved differently, I don't know.
It had been half a year since we met, and nothing was quite like the beginning; I was beginning to think that maybe, just maybe, we had rushed into everything.
He would upload stories, I vaguely remember one saying the following:
- "From my eyes you can never forget, because my eyes are the most sincere you have ever seen in your life".
I answered that state and he answered me:
- Valentina, I don't know what you are expecting from me, do you want something serious with me or are you just playing around? I feel like you are doing that, and I don't like it at all. - he wrote, attacking me.
- What do you mean by playing? - I replied.
- I think you're flirting with someone else, and I can't stand that - he replied immediately.
- I think you're not taking things seriously - I said, not knowing what else to say.
- I always tell you to see us again, and it is you who decide not to read those messages; if you don't want this to go forward then you should be honest with me. - said Eros, very serious.
- I need to think - I said in a hurry.
I felt attacked, but I was right.
My memories are vague, I only remember fragments of all this. I only know that in the end everyone went their own way.
I felt that he was leaving me in nothing, and he felt that I was leaving him in nothing.
I remember that after he stopped talking for a few months Eros wrote to me again.
- Hi, I know you may not want to talk to me after everything that happened and I understand, we both made mistakes; I'll just leave you this last message.
I want you to know that in this time that we haven't spoken I have missed you, that everything I told you about liking you was true, it is still true. I didn't lie to you about anything, if at some point you thought I would fail you, it wasn't going to happen; maybe at one point you thought I was a little flirty and I'm not, I'm usually very shy when I really like someone. I want you to know that your jealousy seemed and still seems to me the nicest thing. When I met you in person I didn't know what to do because my nerves took over, I wanted to hug you and be attached to you all day, but, I was very nervous. I also wanted to kiss you, but that's not something you do the first time you meet the girl you like or on the first date. And finally, if at any time you noticed or felt disinterested from me, it wasn't like that.
What I will say sounds a bit strange, or I don't know, but, a 'hello' from you made my day, just because it was yours, I wanted, I want to try something with you, I didn't see you, nor do I see you as something temporary, I see you as something serious.
I just wanted to say that and I hope everything is going well for you, take care. - he said.
I explained to him that it had been too long since we had stopped talking, that I was with new projects, that I was studying and didn't have time for anything, that I liked him from the first moment we spoke, but that now I just wanted his friendship. He understood and agreed to be my friend.
I explained to him that it had been too long since we had stopped talking, that I was with new projects, that I was studying and didn't have time for anything, that I liked him from the first moment we spoke, but that now I just wanted his friendship. He understood and agreed to be my friend.
After all this, he and I spoke rarely, I told him I was working and he told me he was with new projects, but he did not answer me fast as he used to, sometimes it took days to answer.
Suddenly, we stopped talking, I don't remember why he had deleted his number from his cell phone, but, I stopped hearing from him.
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