Chapter 2: Denial
Life is a perpetual bitch, like a Hollywood plastic fake bitch. It is all fake and lies. It can be also mundane, lousy, pathetic, stupid etc. The list can go on my friends. I could not muster up the energy, I did not get these break up movies until now. No makeup, baggy clothes, I barely ate and if I did it was weird shit. He broke up with me that Monday after the text. By Thursday he had a new girlfriend. It did not shock me to find out it was one of the Heathers, there was three of them, so it did not matter on which one because they all knew he was dumping me for one of them.
Eli spent every day after school with me, every time he held me close while I cried. Dean was on his shit list, but Dean talk was not allowed by his rule. Anything else was okay to talk about as long as his name was not mentioned. He was almost like Voldemort, though shall not be named. If Eli could not be with me, it was Mandi. Like a true friend she copied pictures we had so we could burn them or tear them up when I felt like I needed to. With Mandi we could only talk bad about Dean. Between those two they were the only ones I had. My parents really did not care as they were too busy working. Fuck I barely saw them as it was.
Somehow the school either hared me or had some crazy notion I was the other girl. High schoolers are viscous but high school girls? I would rather go through a Friday the 13th movie then squabble with teenage girls. So, I just kept to my routine.
· Get up
· Get dressed
· Eat
· Go to school
· Go home
· Deal with shit
· Maybe eat dinner
· Bed
That was my routine for six weeks. Each week got worse and each week I wanted to be done with it all. Boys just sucked ass but today was even worse. My head was pounding, my chest hurt, and I slept like shit. I had called Mandi once I was up.
"What's up bitch!?" Mandi answered.
"Classy Cream puff. I feel like shit beyond reason. This isn't break up sick, like legit I feel like death"
"Sounds like my sister when she was preggers."
I could feel the blood drain from my face and my chest tighten. Nope! Fuck to the hell no! I could not be
"Earth to Millie? Amelia? I was kidding."
As I cleared my throat. "Mandi, what if I am? Dean did not use protection last time we had sex. I am on birth control, but they warned me it could fail. Mandi, I am freaking the fuck out!"
"Okay calm down. 1. You did not have sex with Dean he fucking raped you. And 2. I will stop at the gas station and get some stuff. Then meet up at my place after school."
"Deal. Thanks bitch. See you later."
My knees were bouncing like I had downed a pot of coffee. The boxes said three minutes, that just feels inhumane. Mandi's phone beeped to know time was up.
"You ready for this?" She asked. Sounding just as nervous as me.
I was chewing on my nails, while looking from Mandi to the tests. "I'm nervous as fuck."
"On the count of three we flip them."
"Fine, why did you get four of them?"
Mandi shrugged at me and mouthed to three. Fuck if looks could kill because they did. "Fuck! Fuck!" I yelled. "Why?!" I dropped to the floor crying. All Mandi did was hold me and soothed me.
The next morning Mandi took me to see her sister who was an OB nurse. Mandi had explained the situation to her, I was not to thrill for her to know that my dad was an abusive ass hole and this child was conceived in a violent manner as much as my life is. What helped was that not once did Mandi's sister question anything. She understood I was scared.
"Alright Amelia, sit up here and we'll check out your baby." Lexi, Mandi's sister, had tapped on the table. She walked me through all the equipment as well as what I should see on the screen. She asked me vital questions on when my last cycle was and any symptoms I was having. No matter the amount of talking and explaining did not make things as easy. Shit even if I were ready, no one could prepare you for what you see. She placed the jelly on my stomach and shortly followed by the wand. While looking up at the small screen and grey image came up followed by a jellybean shape. A quick flicker appeared in the center of my jellybean.
If there ever is love at first sight this was it. My heart swelled the second hearing the thumping coming from the screen. Tears were falling freely as I looked to Mandi, she looked as I felt. An absolute fucking messes. I looked over to Lexi and my happiness diminished, concern was over her face as she stared at the screen.
"is everything okay?" I whispered.
Lexi paused as if choosing her next words carefully. "The baby's heartbeat is slower than it should be for six-week gestation. I want you to come back in a couple week so we can make sure things are okay."
Okay ladies and gents for those following along, in a month I lost the man I thought loved me, saw him hook up with a friend, fell into depression, found out I was pregnant and when I started feeling like happiness was possible or something worth fighting for; to learn that too was going to leave me. Well according to Mandi's sister it depended on my body and how far it wanted to 'complete the miscarriage' That is normal for a seventeen-year-old Junior in high school right? I mean on top of that I was doing decent in school, I was working on college ideas, preparing for a drama production of Little Women, working on vocal lessons for Honor Choir, semester finals weren't too far away, babysitting my brothers, limit the abuse from Philip AND put a front on that all was fine. Oh yeah, I was heading for a shit show of a break down.
Ironically, Dean called me up the day I was cleared that my DNC was complete (or according to my fail spontaneous abortion is what a miscarriage is called.) Apparently, Dean wanted to talk about 'us. My brain did and eye roll, but my heart was screaming yes repeatedly. So, guess which part of me agreed was my fucking heart. That bitch, she was already convincing me everything was going to be okay.
My body was nervous, excited and on edge. We agreed to meet at the Rosendale park, one too many memories were here. I sat at the brown rustic gazebo, it was where we first kissed, was where we first confessed our love to each other and began planning our future. It was one of the few places we hung out at and did not have much to worry about. I could remember when we held hands his thumb would dance circles against mine. At first, he did it when he was nervous but then it became a way to reassure me it was okay.
"Millie?" his voice brought me out of the memories "I brought you a slushie while we talked. It's half cherry and half blue raspberry like you like."
I quietly thanked him with a small smile placing on my face. 'such a fake smile' my head screamed. Dean sat next to me slowly and raised a hand up to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. My heart skipped at this gesture, but my brain reacted first, and I flinched at his touch. More memories eased out, after six months of dating it started out as the whole 'I don't know my own strength' and I would nod to show I get it. Then it became 'I do this because I love you' I had at this point convinced myself I deserved it like I did at home. I was so lost in thought that I did not notice I was crying.
"Shh Millie." He purred "I wanted to talk about how I missed you so much and want to work on us and try things out again."
"What do you mean?" I locked into his blue eyes and melted "You want to get back together?"
"Well of course I do. Mandi told me about the baby." Oh, she was in for an earful later. "All I could think about was 'poor Amelia after that no one will want her after all"
This is where my brain should have stepped in and been 'Fuck this I'm out' but I sat there confused.
"So, you'll always be mine but if by chance someone else wants you they have to ask me. I'm only doing this to protect you." He came towards my face and placed a kiss on my cheek. He stood up and walked towards his car. I sat there dumbfounded waiting for my brain to come back online but nope my heart chimed in 'He's right about it all, even Philip says similar things. So better take it'
For fuck sakes what is wrong with me?
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