Three years. Ten months. Eighteen days.
That is how long it has been since that awful day. That day where evrything changed. When my world crashed and burned. Three years, ten months and eighteen days of pure torture.
It only got worse after the funeral. I practically begged Thane and Owen to tell me what happened when my mom wouldn't. I don't understand how they can still love me when all of this is my fault. I dont expect them to, but yet they do.
After they told me what happened the little part of my world that was still standing crumbled down. The pieces of rubble that I could salvage I used to build a wall around myself. Keeping everyone and everything out. Including my family.
It was all my fault. I'm the reason Lucas and Dad died in the fire. I'm the one that should have died, not them.
Lucas, my twin brother, but so much more. We were best friends. We told each other everything, never kept secrets from each other. We could read one another like a book. And now he is gone, because of me. He must hate me.
My dad... He was there for me when I needed him. He would always make jokes even in the worst of situations. He taught me a lot of things and we alwasy had fun, but now he too is gone.
For the first few months after the fire, people tried to help. People still had hope that the damage can be undone. But the moment I woke up in that hospital it was already too late.
My friends and teachers tried helping thinking they can bring back the sweet child I use to be. My mom sent me to a therapist to help, but after a while everyone just gave up. Everyone went away.
My mom pretends like that night never happened. Like Lucas and Dad never even existed.
Thane finished highschool and went to college a few towns over. He still vists often though. After Owen finished High school he decided to take a gap year before heading to college.
And then there is me...
I'm known as the Mystery of Elen D High. The girl no one talks to or even looks at. The girl that became a ghost. Who always sits at the back of the class and is never seen in anything other than black or gray.
My entire life changed. Nothing is the same and it never will be. My only choice is to finish my senior year, get accepted into a college as far away as possible and then never come back.
That is my plan. And that is precisely what I am going to do. I just have to make it through this year and then I can disappear forever.
So with that thought on my mind, I get out of bed. Long before the alarm went off and long before I even have to. I check the clock on my bedside table. 5:21. School doesn't start till eight thirty, but I couldn't care less. I was never able to sleep much after that night anyway and when I do I am constatly plagued by nightmares.
I sit on my bed for a few minutes. Trying to get my head cleared and to forget all the memories. I survey my room.
My walls that was once a cheerful yellow is now a dark black. My carpet a deep gray fitting my dark gray cuirtains and bedspreads. There is an ebony desk in the one courner scattered with papers and a black lamp. My small walk in closet is on one side, comtaining only black and gray clothes. If you were to dig deep you could maybe find something navy or dark red. My black and grey bathroom on the other side.
My room was once cheerful and light, but it only took two weeks after the accident for me to completely change it. I could no longer stand the happy colours. So when we rebuilt the house I made sure that my room was black or gray. The only place I truly felt free or even remotely safe was the darkness. Thus I made my room dark.
There are no posters or memorabilia in my room. Only two pictures. One of the entire family, me, my three brothers and my parents, on my bedside table and then one of just me and Lucas that I hide under my pillow.
I stare at the picture of me and Lucas. We looked so happy. It was taken in the backyard, under the great oak tree. He was standing next to me with his arm slung over my shoulders and we were both sporting massive grins. Our identical brown eyes seem to light up. We were laughing about something that dad had said only moments before Thane took the picture.
We were one big happy family back then. Always trying to make each other laugh and playing pranks on each other over the weekends. I miss it. I miss the good old days. But most of all... I miss them.
A traitorous tear slips down my cheek and falls onto the picture. I quickly wipe it away. "I love you so much." I wisper before putting the picture back under my pillow.
I take a few seconds to banish all the memories and emotions, before standing up and getting ready for school.
Dressing in my dreary black clothes I brush my long, brown and quickly throw it into a messy braid.
I begin to get everything I might need for my first day of senior year and throw it into my messenger bag. Checking the time again. 6:37. The house slowly starts to wake up. My mother being the first, so she can go make breakfast. Followed shortly by Owen. He needs get ready for work.
Like every morning I hide away in my room and try to avoid everyone. Usually I would go for a run. Sometimes I would write or draw until I have to go to school, but today luck was not on my side.
The moment my clock strikes seven there was a knock on my door, followed shortly by Owen and Thane coming into my room.
"Morning, lil sis" Owen's cheery voice greets me. I paste a fake grin on my face and smile up at them. "You ready for your first day of being a predator." Thane adds. He always said that the seniors are the predators and everyone else is the prey.
"As ready as I'll ever be." I reply with a soft chuckle. Their smiles grow a little at that.
We talk for a few more minutes. Them mainly giving me the big brother speech and me assuring them that none of the wild scenarios they came up with will ever happen. I can't help but laughing a little at all the crazy things they came up with. Sooner or later they laugh along with me and we all end up on the floor clutching our stomachs.
When we finally calm down they help me off the floor and we fall down on my messy bed together. "No, but seriously. If anyone gives you any trouble, just tell us and we will handle it." Thane breaks the silence. I smile at him reassuringly, "Don't worry. I will first beat up their ass and then tell you. That way they get beat up twice and end up in the hospital for a month." We all laugh again. They know that if anyone messes with me I will not hesitate to punch them. It was how dad raised us. Punch first, apologize never.
"Yeah and no boys. I don't want my lil sis finding her signficant other and starting a family before I do. Especially not at seventeen." Owen says. "Owen!" I yell out and hit him hard on the back of his head.
"Ow!" he screeches and rubs where I hit him. "You deserved it. Keep that filthy mind of yours out of my room!"
Thane busts out laughing as Owen and I keep fighting and hitting each other.
Welcome to another day in the Brown household. Where physically hitting your siblings is mandatory to show them how much you love them. The harder you hit the better.
After what feels like hours of Owen and me wrestling on the floor with Thane cheering us on, I finally pin Owen on the floor. Laughing in victory I get of Owen and sit back down on the bed. Owen grumbles profanities at me under his breath as he sits up. "High five, sis. That was epic!" Thane says holding his hand up. I return the gesture and grin evilly at him. "It was epic, wasn't it? You want to be next?" Thane's eyes grow wide and he quickly jumps of the bed holding his hands up in the air. "O, you know what... I think I hear mom calling us for breakfast, don't you?" he says quickly while taking slow steps back towards the door. Owen and I look at each other for a few seconds before laughing.
"Yeah, I should probably get going. Don't want to be late for school." I say once the laughter dies down. Owen and Thane smile at me and head towards the door. Just before they close the door I hear them yell in unison, "Love you sis!"
The moment the door shuts behind them, my smile falls off of my face. I take a deep breath and sigh. They love me, I know they do, but they shouldn't. No one should. Not after what happened. After what I did, they should hate me.
Sometimes I wonder if they pretend to love me, just like I pretend to be happy when they are in the room. It is all a game of pretend. A lie. A facade.
I don't allow myself to dwell on that for long though and instead just grab my messenger bag of the floor along with my phone. I take another deep breath before I leave my room. Leave my safety. Leave the darkness. And step out into the light cheery world on the other side of the door.
I just have to make it through this year. That's all. Just this one year and then I'm gone.
Let's get this over with.
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