Chapter 4: Chapter Four:
I'm sitting on my own bed in our old room, looking still the same as we left it - mixture of baby pink, baby blue and baby yellow, a small balcony on my left and if you could look outside you'd see the pool, the small garden and beyond all of that the ocean.
I look on my right and see Taylor drowning in the pillows on her double queen size bed. Hannah on my left is resting on something she calls bed, but looks more like a swinging bed that's only holding on chains that come down the ceiling.
"I'm asking you again, Hannah. Is your bed safe?" Taylor asked our sister half yelling.
"My God, I missed this bed so much!" she said gently with her eyes closed.
"Imagine if an earthquake starts." Taylor joked and I laughed. Imagine our sister falling from her swinging bed.
"Mind your own bed, bitch." our sister hissed and turned her back to us.
I can't believe I'm actually home. After three years of being away it's good to be back. That warmth I felt here during my childhood is back and it's embracing me, something I couldn't find in Los Angeles.
A light knock on our bedroom door pulls me to the reality. The door opens slowly and our brother enters the room. Looking at him I realize he hasn't changed that much, except for the bigger muscles and his tattoo covered hands. The second Hannah sees him she runs to him with excitement and hugs him tight. Just like old days.
"My baby sisters are back home!" he said with such warmth in his voice, then he kissed Hannah on the head.
Something about our brother is that he can be ruthless to others, but when it came to us, he adored us with all his heart. And by the looks of it, still does.
" I missed you so much!" Hannah cried in his chest.
"I missed the three of you even more. Now come by the pool. We're having dinner in like... Now actually." He looked at his wristwatch and made us all follow him downstairs.
I look through the door window and see the pool I used to swim in every day and the garden I used to play in hide and seek with my sisters. And by the table I see our mom, grabdpa and grandma talking, laughing and drinking wine. I see my brother and sisters walking to the table. But I just look at the view through the window and stare, unable to make a move and feeling scared if I have to step outside the house.
Last time we all sat together for a dinner was three years ago. Back then I didn't have any problems to worry about. I was just a fifteen year old kid. But now I'm eighteen, I'm damaged and I'm about to lie to my family that my memory hadn't completely recovered, just because I want to avoid getting my heart broken again, because to be honest, the second I saw him I realized I didn't just feel love for him, I feel the same burning desire in my heart and chest. But I also feel the stabbing in my heart, the betrayal when I caught him cheating on me with his ex. So much mixed emotions and I don't know how to deal with them. Probably because there's a big mess in my head.
"You can't avoid them for forever." Roberto said from somewhere behind me. I didn't bother to look at him. My sight was focused on my family. So I take a deep breath and release it slowly and heavily with my hands crossed in front of my chest.
"I don't know what to do, I don't know what to tell them. I forgot how a normal conversation with your family is supposed to look like."
"Just be yourself." he said and stood next to me. "And if it feels too much, I'll be waiting in the car."
Just be myself. Be myself? Who am I? That I don't know. I feel so lost, alone, sometimes empty inside. Sometimes I think they'll be better off without me.
When I was a kid and whenever I felt alone and out of place, I made Roberto drive me around town. It felt distracting and relaxing. This was my only way of clearing my head and finally feeling free. Because sometimes being away from my fucked up family helps with the anxiety.
One. Two. Three. I count and press the metal handle of the door. I open the door with my eyes shut and take a deep breath. I walk the short path from the house to the pool and curse it takes such short time, only twelve seconds. I wish it was more.
I see my grandma Natalia holding grandpa's hand and laughing. She's so beautiful and looks so young for a 58 year old. My grandpa is three years older than her. They were kids when they met and both claimed it was love from a first sight. And I believe them. After so many years of marriage they are still happy and in love.
"Greg! Stop making me laugh!" She barely said out of breath. She had that huge smile on her face and tears of laughter in her eyes.
"At the end of the day, that's my favorite thing to do." he told her and kissed her cheek.
"Ah! There you are, honey!" my mom said with relief. "What took you so long? The food is getting cold."
I take my usual seat at the table next to Hannah. Everyone is sitting on their usual places. But only the chair on the other side of the table that is in front of me, is empty. That's where he sat when he stayed here. I remember how excited I was every time he was here. I remember both of us sneaking into the lagoon on the other side of the mansion, hiding and kissing. Now I release a deep breath in relief he's not here.
I take a sip from my wine and close my eyes, trying to clear my mind and relax. But God forbid if I ever try to relax, because...
"Sorry, I'm late." Jake's voice appeared out of nowhere and took me by surprise. I opened my eyes and saw him sitting on the only emoty chair on the table. Fuck my luck.
You know that moment when you roll your eyes on the inside and have that annoyed frown on your face, when you're actually startled on the outside. Well, that's me right now.
"Did you fix the mustang?" Grandpa asked the boys and took a sip from his whiskey.
"Nah, there's a problem with the oil." Derek answered and took a bite from his steak. "Jake had do wash himself. The oil exploded in his hands. There's oil everywhere in the garage."
"Shit! That's not good." Grandpa muttered and lit up his cigar. "Why don't you buy a new mustang? You've been driving this one for what... Five years."
"I love this car. My first car actually and I don't want to replace it." Derek said with a sense of nostalgy in his voice. "So many memories."
"Including that one when dad arrested you and confiscated your car four years ago." Hannah smirked.
"Oh, yeah?! And who exactly busted my ass out?! Was it you or Taylor?" our brother asked with a grin on his face.
"It wasn't me!" Hannah tried to defended herself, but it wasn't necessarily, because we know she didn't do it.
Back then Derek was on bad path of drugs and alcohol. Who ever made the call took the right decision. Derek was sent to rehab and spent a year in the clinic. Ever since then he's clean.
"Yeah, I know. I just wanted to tease you." he said and winked at her.
"So, Tiffany, honey." my grandma decided to turn the whole conversation in the wrong way, towards me. "You graduated with B+. Have you thought about college?"
I take a sip from my wine and blink a few times with a blank expression on my face. And here I thought our family learned some lessons about listening to each other when someone is talking, or sharing good news, being also caring. But I guess mom didn't listen when I told her.
"I got accepted in the Californian university." I said proudly with a huge smile on my face.
"Oh, really honey? That's amazing! Congrats!" it's all my MOM said. I remember telling her one night a month ago, but if I remember right she was typing something on her laptop furiously. "Wait, honey. Why don't you take a little break? You're still recov..." that's when my blood started to boil in anger. And why?! Because she's always neglecting us, ever since we were born.
"Yeah, mom. That's why there's summer break, to take some time off between school and college." I spat back at her with pure anger and a fake smile on my face.
"But you're..." she tried to out talk me.
"I'll be ready in the autumn." Clearly I'm lying, but the fact that they're buying another lie is good. And to be honest I decided to wait for a year and bust my ass off with working so I can pay myself the college bills. "Plus, Brandon planed a trip to Hawaii. I'll be resting the whole summer."
"Brandon?" hearing his name made my mom flip in her own skin.
Ever since the car accident she started blaming him, she even tried to sue him, but lost that one. And it wasn't his fault at all. The drunk driver got in jail for two years? Which means he must be already released.
"Yes! Why?" I half yelled at her. If it was possible, steam would come out my nose and ears.
"Am I missing something?" I heard Derek's voice. He sounded so scared of mom's and I conversation that he was whispering something to grandma.
"I told you not to date him!" that's when mom started yelling at me. In her eyes I could see anger.
"And from the whole conversation you decided to focus on my boyfriend! How about a month ago when I told you I was accepted in college? I remember you were there when I said it and you just said 'okay' like it was nothing!" I shouted at her and slammed my hand on the table, making all the cups and porcelain plates jingle.
"Calm down, Tiffany." Jake's voice broke the fight and made my blood boil even harded.
I slowly turned my head to him, my sight throwing daggers at him.
"Who are you again?!" I yelled at him too. I was so mad to mom, dad, Jake and everything that happened to me, that I finally snapped and lost all the control over my emotions.
Jake on the other hand stared at me in disbelief and completely shocked. Oh, you better believe, boy! In his hazel eyes I read pain and confusion. But haven't we established that already?!
"This conversation is pointless." I said with a cold voice and raised from my seat.
"Where are you going? This conversation is not over!" my mom yelled from behind, but I was already walking away.
"It is over when I say it's over!" I shouted one last time and ran to my escape car.
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