Chapter 16: Good Mourning
The funeral was held in silence, nobody really had much to say. There was nothing to do but be left alone with your own thoughts on the matter. I stood at the front of the group with the Greene's, they were all holding each other, apart from Herschel, he didn't even show up. I stared down at my brother's grave, I wished so badly that I could have had the chance to talk to him one more time. I was so close to him that day. My head spun with thoughts of should-haves; I should have called out to him sooner, I should have yelled his name louder, I should have run faster, I should have kept looking for him rather than listening to the group. Now I couldn't do anything, he was just gone. I held a small Cherokee rose in my hand, Carol had given it to me, I placed it on the head of his grave and I was the first one to leave.
"Hey, I was thinking we could maybe do something," Glenn ran up beside me, "to take your mind off of things."
"Don't you have Maggie to tend to?" I asked, snapping at him. All this built up emotion was bubbling over. I hadn't seen much of Glenn since he started to get closer with Maggie and although I was happy that he was able to find someone during all of this shit, he had also found and then forgotten about me.
"No, I don't think she wants to see me right now," he scratched the back of his head.
"Great so I'm your second option."
"W-what no. Scar what is the matter?" he stopped me, turning me so I would look at him.
"Nothing sorry, but I think I'd rather be alone right now." I felt bad after saying that. Glenn was really just trying to make me feel better, but I did want to be alone.
I walked as far away from the farm as possible, down to one of the paddocks rolling with hills. I reached the top of a small slop, standing in the long grass I plopped to the ground and finally cried. The realization that I would never see my brother again hitting me like a ton of bricks, the same way it did the first time at the CDC when thinking about Ben. For all I knew I was now siblingless. I haven't a clue where Lincoln even was and the chances of him still being alive are slim to none, I would never find him. The thought of it was suffocating, I was alone. This made me miss Ben all the more, I was never the one to be the most optimistic, but that's what I had him for.
"Do you mind if I sit," a husky voice pulled me out of my thoughts. I quickly wiped away my tears and looked up to see Rick standing above me. I nodded my head allowing him. "I'm sorry for what Shane did," he paused, "that is not how I wanted things to play out. And now, I don't know how long we may have left here."
"Don't be sorry," I shook my head, "I'm glad Shane did it," I admitted. "We now all have our answers, as much as Carol may not admit it, or the Greene's would have wanted it, or even the fact that I didn't know I was going to get it. We have them now and we can start to move on from it," I said, not sure if I was trying to convince him or myself. "And as for Herschel, he'll come around."
"Yeah, about that," Rick's voice was low, "Scar I need your help." I immediately looked over at him but he wasn't making eye contact with me, I already knew what this meant. "Herschel, he's gone. We think he left this morning, going into town to find a drink. And Beth is in some form of shock, she won't move or speak or eat. And Herschel, if something happens to him… the baby, I don't think-"
"Rick, I'll go with you," I cut him off from finishing his sentence.
He flashed me a small, grateful smile, nodding his head, "thank you."
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We drove into town, the majority of the trip was spent in silence. Glenn came with us, sitting in the back seat of the truck, he wanted to bring Herschel home in one piece for Maggie.
"Maggie said she loves me," he spoke up, "she doesn't mean it, I mean she can't, she's upset… confused," he stuttered. I looked into the rearview mirror at him shaking his head trying to understand it.
"I think she's smart enough to know what she's feeling," Rick said, cutting him off from his stuttering.
"No," he shook his head again, fiddling with the shotgun that sat between his knees, "she wants to be in love, so she needs something to-to-"
"Glenn it's pretty obvious to everyone that Maggie loves you," I finally spoke up. It was the first time I said anything to him since I snapped at him. "And not because you're one of the last men standing," he made eye contact with me through the mirror, "we don't get to choose who we love, we just… love who we love." For some reason after saying that I thought of Daryl. I quickly disregarded the thought. "So what's really the problem?" I asked, knowing there was more to it than just him freaking out over him hearing those words. He knew Maggie loved him.
"I didn't say it back," he admitted, "I've never had a woman say that to me before, you know except for my mom or sisters, I just stood there like a jerk."
"Hey, this is a good thing, something we don't get enough of these days, so enjoy it," Rick reassured him.
We pulled up to the local bar, the street looked to be empty which was a good sign. We still got out of the car with our guns at the ready, this was new territory for us and there was no way to know for sure that only Herschel sat inside of this bar. We walked up the porch steps to the front doors, Glenn opened the left door slowly allowing Rick to only peak inside.
"We're good," he said as he was met with only Herschel. The room was musky, a cloud of dust drifting through the air and the strong smell of vodka wafted into your nose from the broken bottles littered across the floor. "Herschel."
"Who's with you?" Herschel asked, his back turned to us. I could see him swirling clear alcohol in a whisky glass.
"Glenn and Scar."
"Maggie sent Glenn?" he asked.
"He volunteered, he's good like that." Rick walked up beside him while Glenn and I stood back, keeping an eye on what could be lurking outside. "How many have you had?"
"Not enough," Herschel answered, taking another sip. I had to admit watching him drink made me want a glass, I wanted to sit there with him until I forgot.
"Let's finish this up back at home. Beth collapsed, she is in some sort of… state," Rick tried to convince him, but he was coming off more angry than concerned.
"Herschel I think she's in shock and I think you are too," I said.
He turned to look at me, his eyes were heavy, "Is Maggie with her?"
"Yes, but Beth needs you," I spoke calmly.
"What could I do? She needs her mother… or rather to mourn, like she should have done weeks ago," he took another sip of his drink, "I robbed her of that, I know that now."
"You thought there was a cure, you can't blame yourself for that, for having hope," Rick answered him.
"Hope. The day I saw you running across my field with your boy in your arms I thought he was as good as dead. And even though we lost Otis, your man Shane made it back and we were able to save Carl. That was the miracle that proved to me that miracles do exist, but it was a sham. I was a fool Rick, and your people saw that," he shook his head like he was reflecting on his own stupidity. "My daughters deserve better than that." I could see that Rick didn't know how to answer him. "Just go!" Herschel yelled.
"I promised Maggie that I'd bring you home safe," Rick said, standing his ground.
Herschel laughed, "Like you promised that little girl." Malice in his tone.
"So what's your plan? Finish the bottle? Drink yourself to death?" Rick asked, growing angry.
"Stop telling me how to care for my family! How to run my farm! You people are like a plague! I tried to do the Christian thing, give you shelter, and you destroyed it all!" Herschel got up yelling in Rick's face.
"The world was already batshit when we met!"
"And you take no responsibility, you're supposed to be their leader-"
"Well, I'm here now!" Rick shouted, "Aren't I?"
They stood inches apart, they were making too much noise.
"You took away my hope, there is no hope anymore," Herschel now said, going to sit down back in his seat.
I stepped forward to him, all of us were now wrapped up in this fight. "Herschel nothing has changed, death has always been there. Whether it be a heart attack, old age, a car accident, or even a walker, death has always been with us. But the people back home need you, even if the way the world is right now is not what you believe in, they need you to show some sort of hope for the future-" I was then cut off by the sound of the front doors swinging open. We all snapped our heads around.
"Son of a bitch," a greasy looking guy stood in the door frame, a large, bearded man clutching onto his gun beside him, "they're alive."
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kaboo
kaboo Sorry for the delay on the chapter, I went back to work this week and haven't had the time. The chapters won't be as frequent as before, but I'll try to get into a good schedule with my updates. In the mean time, drop me a comment, let me know what you guys think! Thanks :)
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