Chapter 36: Chapter Thirty-Five: Chats At Midnight
"I don't have an identity outside my sport. I have to go back." My small voice was swallowed by the silent night, blending in with the crickets and the silent glow of the stars in the sky. We were laying on the hood of his car, our backs against the windshield. It was a few minutes after sunset, the sun completely gone.
"I don't think that is true. You sell yourself short." Jackass cajoled next to me; his hand tucked behind his head. I scoffed in retort, rolling my eyes as I said, "you don't even know me well enough to make that observation."
"I can read people." was his simple explanation. I giggled incredulously, but stopped when he turned to look at me, suddenly feeling self-conscious about my laugh. "You don't believe me?" he challenged, smirking at me.
"It's not that I don't believe you, its how far you're willing to go to justify your presumption that's amusing me, Anthony." I mused. He flashed me his crooked smile, his blue eyes almost black under the moonlight.
"I like it when you call me Anthony." He whispered softly. I stared at him for what felt like hours but was honestly a few seconds, before I blinked and looked away, hiding the smile that was threatening to break out on my face. We sat in silence for a few minutes, each lost in our own worlds. What was I doing? I shouldn't be here with him. It was only supposed to be a driving lesson. Why was I having fun?
He hurt me. He saved you.
"So, Gia has agreed to go to the clinic..." he let the sentence die on his tongue when he saw me stiffen in my comfortable position. This was the last thing I wanted to talk about.
"Wow. I did not see that one coming." I admitted. A flashback of our conversation earlier comes and goes, and somehow I found it hard to believe that the same Gia who promised she'd get me for sending her brother to prison, agreed to check herself into a mental facility.
"To be honest, neither did I. Look, I just wanted to apologize again for her actions, and everything she's been saying ever since the incident happened. It's hard to explain, but Gia is an amazing woman who was just dealt a bad hand." His expression was solemn, making him look older than his years.
I shrugged nonchalantly, hoping to be done with this conversation soon. "I get it. You don't have to keep apologizing for her. That psycho didn't do much to me compared to what he must have done to her. I can't hold her trauma against her." He nodded at my words, looking back up at the sky.
"Do you ever think you'll forgive me, Azania?" he asked after a few beats of silence, his voice sounding like Kristian's when he was upset. I met his eyes, and for a moment, I thought I saw them gloss over. My heart constricted in my chest.
"I'm talking to you now, aren't I?" I asked softly. His eyes never left mine as he shook his head. "That does not mean anything." he stated, his eyes full of raw emotion.
"I ... I don't know." I finally managed to choke out. He closed his eyes for a second, looking pained and when he opened them again, an understanding glint shone back at me. He looked out at the blinking sky once more, looking deep in thought. With a heavy sigh, I followed suit, searching my thoughts for anything to say to make him feel better. The thought made me frown. Why was I trying to make him feel better?
"It's okay. I probably don't deserve your forgiveness anyway. Or your dad's." he said in a tone so soft and so sad, that made me close my eyes to keep my emotions in check. My heart was constricted tightly in my chest, a knot in my throat as his sad words echoed in my head. An overwhelming urge to reach for his hand to give it a reassuring squeeze made me sit on my hands. I couldn't do that. I wouldn't. His feelings were not my responsibility, his regrets none of my concern. Who is to say I would ever forgive him? Who's to say my dad would ever forgive him?
"What's on your mind right now?" I found myself asking. He closed his eyes and brought his muscular arms across his chest. I tried not to stare, instead concentrated on his handsome bruised face.
"Aiden." Aiden? His brother? "Why?" I asked meekly, curious to know why.
"He would be so disappointed in me." his voice was tight with what I presumed to be emotion. I tried to swallow the knot in my throat before I asked him to elaborate.
"Aiden adored you, Azania. He cared for you more than words could ever describe. I don't remember much about the time you were born; I was only 6. But he was gone for long periods of time. Sometimes, it was hard to reach him. It tore my mom apart ..." he sighed and closed his eyes again. After a few seconds, he opened them and continued.
"He's the reason I wanted to race. He was pretty good at it too. He taught me how to drive my first kart, right here at this dingy track. He was trying to get into F1 at that time, and I thought he was a superhero. To be a race-car driver who spent most of his time out of the country and still come home to teach his little brother how to drive, was a big deal to me. He hadn't been home for a year and a half. Then one day he called, and I had a chance to tell him I wanted to learn how to race." His lips quirked, smiling at the memory. I tried to stay as still as possible, not wanting to disturb him. I only knew of Aiden from what my dad told me, and I had always wanted to know more about him.
"He was home 2 days later. You were born a few weeks after that if my memory serves me correctly, and then he decided he was done with professional racing, even though he never made it to Formula 1. The day he died, he forced me to go into your dad's car. I was certain it was my turn to go with him, but he insisted. His last words to me before he buckled me into George's seat were 'be better than me'. Aiden would never have let that happen to you. I disappointed him." His eyes were red when he opened them to look at me.
The knot in my throat finally gave way as a tear rolled down my cheek. Aiden was my godfather, by fire by force, my dad used to say. I knew my dad and him hadn't spoken while he was overseas. Dad says Aiden never knew I was coming. And was smitten when he saw me; and told my parents that I had a godfather in him. It broke my heart that I would never get to know him, could never experience the love he had for me, so that I could reciprocate it. But most of all, I was crying because Jackass looked like he was about to cry. I was crying because I somehow felt his pain, like I knew how disappointing Aiden felt like. My tears wouldn't stop flowing as Jackass said his next piece.
Gifts
-- Gift
received Weekly Power Status
-- Power
Ranking 
-- Power
stone