Chapter 2: Chapter 1: Its hard to let go
Saturday: 27 June
I just broke up with my boyfriend. Gosh I loved that guy with all of me, I actually still do.
No, no, no, he actually broke up with me. Funny enough, he actually cheated then dumped me. It's not you it's me type of way. Flip, I hate whenever I think of this.
FLASHBACK to a day ago
I've been waiting for his call since morning. I woke up waiting and I'm still waiting. I walk around my room looking for something I can do so I could just get him out of my mind. "I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay", I keep saying these words out loud so I can actually convince myself that I really am. I toss my tiny body on the bed, kicking off my shoes as I groan over my pillow.
Why do I feel like shit? Why do I feel like my heart is about to crawl out of my chest and just walk away from me? My chest is actually in pain.
I've been locked in my room for a while now and I'm starting to think that my mum is noticing. She never really liked him as much as I wanted her to so if she ever finds out that he broke my heart she'll hate him, that's just something I don't want.
My phone rings before I lose my mind. I quickly check it and I'm relieved that its him.
"Hello?", I answer. My heart is beating so fast since I'm not sure if he's gonna say what I want him to say.
"Hey, you said you wanted to talk", he says. I roll my eyes cause yeah, we do need to talk and it would have been better if its not over the phone.
"I know you said you want some time off to figure yourself out, but I just can't get why we need to be apart for that. You know how I feel and it drives me crazy that you actually wanna be alone", I start speaking and I'm guessing I sound like I'm rambling to him.
"Look, I'm still figuring myself out, I'll let you know when I'm okay, when I'm ready to be with you",
Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, that's what goes through my mind at this moment. I feel my chest closing up and every moment I've had with him flashes back in my mind.
"When are you gonna be done? Should I like, wait for you? It has been a week now, what more do you want? Like seriously, I don't understand what you need to figure out-", I hear him sigh before he cuts my words short.
"I get why you won't understand. This is all about me, you don't need to understand", I suddenly get so mad, so frustrated. How could he take all this lightly? He makes it seem like we've been dating a few months. Gosh, it's been years. What's wrong with him?
"You know what? I don't think I can wait. I can't wait for someone I don't know will be back when. But if you want me to wait and you're sure that you'll come back then say it, I'll wait", I hear some mumbling on the background, it sounds like he's talking to somebody and that just gets me more mad. He usually does this whenever I'm on the phone with him. Sometimes he just talks to his friends while I'm still talking to him then acts like it's cool.
"Are you even listening to me?", I yell.
"I'm working, you know that", he says softly. He always says that and now it just gets me upset.
"I just wanna know if you wanna be in this relationship as much as I do. I need to know if you're in or out. Are you in or out? Just let me know and stop wasting my time. I feel like I've wasted my time so much with you and you had the nerve to do all that you did. How could you? Fuck it! ARE YOU IN OR OUT?", I yell the last part.
"I'm out", he says softly and it takes a minute to register what he said. He said it so quickly that I had to rethink if what I heard is exactly what he said.
"You're out?", my eyes burn and I feel like I can't breathe. It's like someone is blocking my breathing as my eyes burn with tears. I take in deep breaths and calm myself down. My nose feels blocked and all I can think of is 'don't let him hear you cry'.
"Yes, I'm out", I wasn't really expecting him to say that. I thought he'll say he's in. We've been through this situation before. "I don't think we'll work anymore. We've done things to each other, things we can't erase. I feel like we'll never trust one another again and this whole relationship will keep failing",
Now? That's when he sees that now? Why not 2 years ago? Why now?
Frustration fill my whole being. I feel like I'm going crazy, like I'll start pulling my hair. I wanna yell, cry, beat something so hard. "Okay. I understand. Now I need you to come get your things right now, I don't wanna see your clothes in my drawers so you need to come get them right now",
"I can't right now, like I've said, I'm working",
"Tell your girlfriend to come get them, you know what? I'll make things easier for you. Give me her numbers and I'll meet up with her tomorrow to give her your clothes. Thing is, now that I think about it, I don't wanna see you ever again", my heart is beating so fast. Tears are running down my cheeks and I keep wiping them off. I'm trying so hard controlling my breathing but I can't help it, everything hurts, I feel like my body is giving up.
"Hey, if you want her numbers then I'll give them to you-",
"Call out the numbers, I don't have all day", I snap. He becomes quiet for a few seconds then calls out her numbers. "She's not my girlfriend, she just happens to be a girl I tried to be with while with you. This happened a few months ago-",
"I DON'T FUCKEN CARE", I yell. I actually do. I care so much it hurts. "I'll call her and let you know if she'll take your clothes or not", I say then hang up.
I start pacing around my room as I replay the whole conversation I just had in my head. Everything sinks in and I feel my ears closing up, it's like I have my fingers in my ears to block my hearing. My chest and nose close up and a sharp pain strikes right in my heart. I feel like my heart isn't beating anymore. My pacing becomes slow steps and I drag my feet to the end of my bed, then slowly sink down as I allow my silent screams out. It's like someone important to me died. Its like I've been told that I can't be with whatever I love the most in this world. I put my arms around my legs and ball myself up. I know I feel like crying but I don't let myself. I grab my phone and dail the numbers I'm given and listen to it as it rings. After a few seconds a girl's voice says "hello", it comes out as a question though.
I quickly wipe my tears and gain my strength back. "Hi, am I speaking to Jenny?",
"Yes, who's this?", she asks. I swallow the huge lump in my throat and take a few breaths in and out.
"Katy", I lie. That's not my name. "I'm a friend of Duncan, he actually gave me your numbers since he wants you to take a parcel from me to him",
"Duncan? I don't think I know any Duncan", she says. I can hear from the change of her voice that she's lying.
"Well he definitely knows you", I say.
She's actually making me mad too.
"No", she becomes silent a while then says, "I dont know, maybe I know him but I just can't remember him right now",
"Oh, I see",
"What's his number? I could go through my phone and see if I have his numbers", she says. I roll my eyes but give her his numbers. I even go as far as pretending like I'm looking through my phonebook for his numbers even though I know them by heart.
After giving her the numbers she promises to call back then hangs up. I wait for her call. Within minutes she calls back with a different number.
"Yes, hello", I pick up.
"No he's not the Duncan I know. I was actually confusing him with somebody else, I don't know who you're talking about", she says.
"Alright, cool", I reply then hang up. She must think I'm some kind of idiot. She thinks she can fool me, but anyway, she's not the problem.
I call Duncun right away. He picks up.
"Your girlfriend says she doesn't know you",
"She's not my girlfriend", he replies.
"Yeah, whatever. Look, find a day and let me know when you're coming to get your clothes. Make sure it's as soon as possible or else I'll have to throw your clothes out",
"I'll be there to get them before the week ends, maybe tomorrow",
"Cool", I reply then hang up.
After that talk, tears fall down my cheeks. I let them, this time I actually cry. I cry so hard as I stare outside my window watching the day turn into night.
I don't even have energy to get up and light my room. I lay on my bed in the dark and just cry, replying all my moments with him.
I'm filled with so many questions. I just didn't think he'd dump me. I didn't think he'll wake up one day and feel no love for me. As all the questions and moments flashes in my head, I grab my phone and quickly dail his numbers.
"Hey", he replies.
"Did you ever love me?", my voice shakes but I don't care.
"Yes I did-",
"Do you still do?", he hesitates and ends up not replying what I asked. That's when it hits me, he doesn't love me anymore. He used to love me but now he doesn't. He doesn't have to say it, I'm not stupid.
I hang up and cry. Seems like it's what I'll do all night.
BACK to reality.
I can't believe I'm talking myself into calming down. Thing is, I don't wanna keep crying over something I can't fix. I tried to fix it with him so many times, he has just made up his mind and who am I to change that.
I walk to the mirror and stare at myself. I know I have big eyes but now they've just gotten bigger. They're swollen, they get swollen whenever I cry too much and I don't want my mum to see me like this. She can tell whenever I've been crying because of my eyes.
It's just that I didn't think this day will ever come though I saw a lot of signs that it will. I know Duncan and I have our differences, we don't get along most times, we don't see eye to eye in most cases but that's how relationships work right?
I didn't think he'll ever dump me though our relationship was a mess, we just look out for one another, he cares for me and I care for him. He loves me and I love him. He made me happy most times so I don't get what changed. What did I do wrong? Did I say something hurtful to him for him to hurt me like this? Did I not show him or give him all the love that I have? I gave him everything, I left no love for anyone else. Why would he do this to me? What happened to all that he promised me? What happened to the love that he claims he feels for me? Am I not good enough? Did I suddenly changed to somebody he doesn't wanna be with? What happened to our future? Don't we have one anymore.
Gosh, all the questions keep flowing to me.
I roll out of bed and close my blinders then switch on the light. I try rubbing my eyes, smoothing them to get my eyes looking normal but gosh the tears keep falling. I grab my diary and script a few sad words. I've even got a headache from all the crying. I walk out of my room and into the kitchen to grab something to eat. No one is around the kitchen so no one will find out that I've been crying. I grab my plate of food then walk back to my room.
I'm hurting, I'm really hurting.
It's just that there's nothing I denied him. I gave him my all. He promised we'd live together, that we'll have a family together. Why would he lie about something like that?
I love him with all of my heart and he knows that. Maybe my love is too much for him. Maybe he couldn't take too much of my love and that's why he ended it. Maybe it's all my fault. We just weren't on the same page anymore but I still gave him my all.
I eat my meal silently as I think about all the bullshit that's became my relationship. After eating I crawl on to bed and close my eyes to fall asleep.
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