Chapter 4: Let me Rest
Li Ran spent the whole afternoon at the racetrack. After multiple laps, Li Ran returned the race car to her friend and drove home.
It was past midnight by the time she reached her apartment.
She resisted the urge to cry the whole day, she walked to the kitchen and took out a packet of noodles, she picked out the spiciest one and cooked it.
While waiting for the noodles to cook she opened her phone and saw a lot of missed calls from Minghao.
She stared at his name, and remembered all the good times she had with him.
She remembered the day he proposed, they went hiking, and when they reached the summit he took out a ring and proposed there.
He said that he wants them to share the highs and lows of their life. He promised to climb together all mountains and obstacles life will throw at them.
He promised that she would be his one and only summit. But all of those turned to be empty promises, Li Ran sighed loudly and shook her head trying to clear her thoughts. As she ate, she tried to stop thinking about him.
She already mulled over it earlier at the race track. No matter how good their relationship is, she can't accept the fact that he seeked someone else even if it is only out of momentary pleasure.
It might just be a moment of mistake, but a moment is all it takes to make a lifetime and it is scary to think it can turn into a lifetime of misery and regret.
Before she knew it, she felt her eyes turn wet, the tears that did not flow the whole day, gushed out like a dam.
It must be the noodles, it's too spicy! I am not sad! It's the noodles!
She continued to brainwash herself as she cried while eating. Thinking of her family, her best friend, and her fiance.
Why is it me? Why don't they like me? I did everything I could but still why? Why did this happen to me?
Li Ran continued to ask herself, where did she go wrong?
Li Ran stopped crying after finishing her meal. She washed up, got changed but she did not go to sleep. She needs to breathe and feel alive but she promised not to cut herself anymore.
She looked at the faint scars on her wrists. She started self harming when she was in highschool until university days. It only stopped when her professor discovered her self-harm, but by then she was more into extreme sports. The feeling they produced has the same sensation as when she cuts herself; the feeling of being alive. She felt she is alive whenever she feels pain. Admittedly she is afraid of pain, but it became her proof, that she is alive in this world that feels so dead. Li Ran traced each scars and smiled bitterly.
She opened her laptop and emailed a friend saying: Is the invitation to skydive on Saturday still open? I'll go!
The next day, early in the morning, Li Ran did not sleep much, but she has an early visitor. Her mother came, Mother Li sat on the living room staring at her daughter but Li Ran just opened the tv and stared at it but not really paying attention.
Mother Li spoke first: "I heard you had a fight with Minghao." Li Ran turned stiff at the words but did not give a reply. Mother Li continued to speak: "Ranran, you must be understanding. Don't push Minghao away and regret it." She sounded concerned as she went on. "He has been kind to you and to our family, he even helped your brother--"
Li Ran did not wait for her to finish her sentence as she stood up at once and broke her silence. "Mom, do you even know what he has done? He slept with another woman!" Li Ran is angered, she does not know whether it was at her mother's words or at Minghao's deed.
Mother Li retorted persuadingly. "It's not as if it is an affair, he said it was just a one night stand Ranran, all men make mistakes, you aren't even married yet, its better he does it now rather than do it after the marriage. He probably won't do it again once you married."
Li Ran scoffed at the words. "Mom, do you hear yourself? Do I have to wait after the marriage to see whether he'll look for someone else or not? This is not a simple game where you win if the probability is in your favor! Whether I marry him or not, I still lose him and he'll still lose me! Because I can never trust him mom, and I don't want to keep looking over my shoulder to see whether he is cheating on me! I can't take it!" Li Ran made an outburst of her feelings.
Mother Li is stunned, she understands but at the same time, she is opposed to the idea of them breaking up. "Ranran, if you love him, you will forgive him and overcome such problems." Mother Li kept persuading.
Li Ran looked at her mother and her eyes turning cold. "Like you did? If he loves me, I won't need to 'heal' because he won't give me wounds in the first place. I am not as generous as you that will accept a man that slept around-"
'SLAP!'
Li Ran got slapped by her mother and her right cheek became a bit red with finger marks. Mother Li seemed shock at what she had done but quickly gained composure as she spoke. "Don't speak to me like that! You don't know anything about my circumstances with your father! He won't cheat had it not been..." Mother Li did not continue and looked away.
Li Ran touched her cheek and continued Mother Li's words. "Had it not been for me, right? Because I turned out to be a girl that disappointed everyone! Father had an affair because of me! My existence had always made you remember that bitter moment of your life! Maybe it was better that you aborted me so you won't be reminded of that stain in your life!"
"LI RAN!" Mother Li yelled. She glared at Li Ran and took her bag. "You and I are too emotional right now! Let's talk again when you cooled down." Mother Li left without looking back.
Li Ran spaced out as tears began to flow, her mask that was cracked had now completely shattered. She went back to her room and packed her bag. She really needs a break, a thrill to divert her mind's attention.
She called her friend and asked her to give her a slot to skydive today, a couple of days earlier than planned. He agreed and sent her the location. It was pretty far but she did make it. The skydive team today is composed of 7 people in total.
They were mostly couples that want to skydive feeling that this was a romantic adventure. She just looked as they jumped in pairs. She is the last one to jump from the plane. She felt the thrill, at first it felt exhilarating as if she is flying, then after a few moments the thrill subsided and she felt bored. It was time to pull out the parachute, but she did not do so, she continued to fall thinking whether the parachute could save her from falling hard in the ground even at the last moment or the darkness and silence can save her from her suffocating life.
She made every effort to be liked, to be loved, to be worth care. She never showed unhappiness, never showed anger, never showed her ugly side. In the end, she was easily betrayed, easily replaced, easily discarded.
She thought she got better, that she is gonna be alright, that the future will always be better. Indeed she got better, she got better at hiding, her loneliness, her low self-esteem, and her true self. She learned to like what others like, she learned to love what they love but she had forgotten what does Li Ran likes, Li Ran loves.
She had forgotten herself in pursuit of happiness. But what is happiness? Until now she does not have an answer. Did they not like her because she is broken?
Why? Why? Her mother always gave the best to her elder sister and younger brother. What about her? What is her role in the family? And Meng Xia, she did everything to be a good friend for Xiaxia but why is she hated in the end? And Minghao... The light she sought and the comfort she yearned was all given by him.. It turned out not to be exclusive, he can turn around and look at others. What will happen when he finds that she is just an empty shell, nothing notable, nothing lovable? He was able to cheat on her now that he claims to love her, what more if his love turns cold. It was easy for all of them to say things that can cut deeply. Why?
She pulled the parachute a few seconds late and she is already at a low altitude. She knew the risk of doing it, she knew she might not survive, she did not look where she is gonna fall to, whether it was water or land. She closed her eyes and thought of her family, of Minghao, and of Meng Xia. She felt really tired and then there was pain as she is swallowed by darkness.
It was as if she walked through a long and dark corridor, when she made it into the light she could hear cries. "Ranran, mother is here, don't scare mother." Mother Li's crying voice was heard and then there was another voice. "Ranran! Please, forgive me... I just felt jealous! I'm sorry! Don't die!"Li Ran heard the desperate cries of the two women.
She can hear her father's voice but it seems to get farther like other voices. Suddenly a loud male voice rang saying: "Move away from her!" For a few moments, a warm sensation seems to seep into her heart.
Is it Minghao? But she could not see anyone and darkness are slowly swallowing the light once again. She spoke weakly "I'm tired... So tired... let me rest..." Then it was as if there was a hand holding her hand tightly and she heard someone speak but it was not clear as cries became louder and darkness once again enveloped everything but she embraced it willingly.
Weekly Power Status
-- Power
Ranking 
-- Power
stone