The last round was brief, uneventful… it went on as if nothing tense had happened, and no one on that table batted an eye at the promise of Chris walking me home… Were we still too young to look at those things with some malice? Was it still so natural, in our age, to get a ride home from a trusted adult? A cold wind blew outside when all six of us walked up from the small room.
The courtyard, the building, the entire school grounds seemed completely vacant and dark, like we'd been forgotten. I thought the boys would get excited at the idea of being the only ones there, I thought they'd suggest we extend the night a little longer to explore and drink and do other forbidden things to enjoy this rare opportunity… but it seems even they were a bit uneasy at the lateness of the hour, at the state of things, at being here still, when no one else was.
Their energy was gone, they said an unceremonious goodbye and disbanded quickly once we reached the sidewalk. One of them, Jamie, the street-smart one, did look over his shoulder when at some distance, watching as Chris and I lingered behind, something striking him as strange. I was glad he didn't know… glad no one knew what I felt about Chris. If they did, it would be easy to draw strange, immoral conclusions - Conclusions that would make the Principal much angrier than the idea of me kissing a 17-year-old. They'd also get Chris into trouble. The thought disturbed me greatly, and suddenly the idea of being walked home by him wasn't idyllic anymore. I was scared.
"As promised…" he sighed "Come on, let's get you home…"
"Oh, please! You don't have to… I can walk myself. It's okay!" I shrugged, smiling awkwardly.
He shifted his posture, frowning down at me as if he was mad. It was always so uncomfortable for me… contradicting people!
"What?"
"I… I live very close by. It's okay…" I was painfully aware I repeated 'it's okay' way too many times in that short conversation, I just couldn't help it "I can go…" I pointed awkwardly at the general direction of my house. Chris watched, confused.
"What are you talking about!" he chided " Come on, it's no trouble for me. Unless… Unless you really don't want me to."
"What? No! It's not that! I just… I don't…" I tried to explain, but nervousness only made my social skills worse.
For what was worth, that awkwardness seemed to amuse, for Chris, who watched me with a confused frown, let out a heartfelt chuckle at my embarrassment.
"You can tell me what's the matter, I'll understand." He sighed, his blue eyes looking away, absorbed… probably bored. "Will your parents be mad? Do you have a dog there that will bite me? …A crazy uncle with a shotgun?"
"No…" I laughed, and he mimicked it with a smile "I don't… none of those things…"
"Then I don't see what's the problem!" He tossed a brown leather jacket over his shoulder, beginning to walk "This way?"
I smiled: no chance of escaping the situation now. I liked that, too… I added it to the list of things full-grown men did: they got things done. No excuses. No complications… Chris was walking me home. Smiling, unafraid, as he paced backwards, his face to me:
"You'd better tell me now, because I'll just keep walking in this direction!"
I sauntered behind him.
I was happy – there was no denying it. I was glad he didn't let my awkwardness deprive me of that moment. Chris was walking me home… His tall, broad-shouldered figure, darkened by the moonlight… crossing my streets, my most familiar path, making animated remarks here and there about the quiet neighborhood, the trees… anything, whenever silence fell too heavy. I regretted I had to live so damn close to the school… I wanted that walk to last forever.
"Is this place always so quiet?" he looked around himself, hands tucked in his pockets.
"I guess most of my neighbors are really old people. They turn in early."
"They certainly do! And you thought you'd convince me to let you walk alone… After I promised your boyfriend I'd walk you, too. He'd raise hell, for sure."
I nodded quickly, held in a smile:
"Danilo… He's not my boyfriend."
"Maybe not yet, he's not…" Chris smiled.
For some reason, I felt a sting to my heart to hear him say it so coolly…
"It's not like that. He… He doesn't like me like that." I remembered Michael Campbell's horror when the Principal suggested we were a couple "We're just friends. I'm sure of it."
"Sounds like he told you that already?" Chris investigated casually, making small talk, his eyes always looking at his sides.
I took in a deep breath.
"He didn't. But…"
"Another boy did?" He filled in the silence when I lingered too long.
I pursed my lips together – it was enough of an affirmation for him.
"Boys!" he threw his hand up. "But try not to take it too seriously… Kids your age… they don't have their screws in right, not yet."
I chuckled. Chris's lips curled up in that contained smile again… the one that cast a long narrow dimple down his cheek, framing the side of his mouth and further highlighting his bony jaw.
Silence was finally allowed to befall us. Silence in which I peeked sideways from the corner of my eyes, wondering if Chris was watching me. We walked a significant distance apart, enough for me to guess… But he didn't: his eyes were astray, looking about us, admiring the evening.
"Well… this is me!" I sighed despondently, halting my walk to a close before my house.
Chris walked slowly, looking up towards the brownstone before stopping in front of me.
"Pretty close, indeed…"
"Yep."
I pursed my lips.
"So… Are you going to walk back to your car or…"
Chris turned his eyes down on me again, and frowned… a playful, cross smile pulling the corners of his mouth.
"Is that the most subtle way you could find to ask me if I have a car?"
"What??! No, I…" I grew truly nervous.
"I don't, for your information. Never had the need for one. Does that impugn my character?" he teased.
"NO! I mean… I don't even know what that means, I just… It was just my way of asking… My stupid way of asking if you live close by …"
Christ stared at me for a while, before relenting his painful mockery and smiling.
"I don't. In fact, I don't live here at all, I'm just here on some…" His absorbed eyes traced my house again, then frowned, the thought overtaking him "Tell me, are you alone in here?!"
"Er… Yes.". Dammit, should I have said it? Could I get in trouble at school, if word got out? Probably my parents would have some answering to do… I should ask him to keep a secret… But how childish would that sound?! No… I couldn't sound childish. Not now… Not when he joked and played, and talked to me as if we were in the same level… even as if we were friends…
"Where are your parents?" His frown lingered, the corners of his mouth no longer playful, the depth of his voice showing…
I gulped, realizing just how wrong that situation must seem for him… Kids my age aren't supposed to live alone… Quick! I must think of something quick…
"Well?" He demanded, taking one step towards me.
"Wait, I can explain…" And I'm sure I could, if given much more time than the full minute he dispensed for me to come up with a good enough excuse.
At the end of said minute, he demanded again, seemingly vexed:
"Where are they? And how old are you?" He stared so fixedly at me now, I began to sweat…
"I'm… I'm seventeen."
His tense, frowning eyebrows eased, arched, ever so slightly… then they tensed again, as if wanting to pretend I hadn't just surprised him.
"Oh…" he said after a pause, his eyes automatically measuring me. I knew what was to come… he'd say I looked younger, he'd ask questions… My chances of getting away with a lie so big would grow meager by each stuttered answer, until I gave myself away, and he'd hate me forever for being a liar…
"And your parents?"
"Divorced. Each in their house…" I smiled quickly, hoping that would be the end of my report.
"No siblings?" He raised his eyebrows, as if he felt sympathetic towards me.
"Two. They…They don't live with me either. Long story."
"I see…" he distanced himself from me to cast a glance at the lonely house again, then he looked back at the quiet street. A sigh followed. "So you live by yourself… all alone in this big house right here?" he pointed, incredulous.
"Yes…" I twisted my fingers anxiously… "…but… please don't tell anyone at school. You know kids… They get jealous…"
And I faked another big smiled when he studied me, confused.
"…jealous?"
"Just… don't. Please." I pleaded. "I'll get in trouble if you do."
He frowned a bit, then… his eyes seemed tense, puzzled, calculating… but he nodded, and I breathed, relieved.
"Okay… I won't."
"Thanks!" I pressed my palms together.
Then his eyes – his frowning, studying eyes – measured me again. This time, they looked down at my converse shoes and stayed there for a while, before making their way up to me… dead-serious, quiet, thinking… he rephrased what he had said last:
"That is – I won't, if you…" and he had taken a step forward, a long one, one that cornered me against the brick bannister.
But before I could even process his approach, or learn his condition, he threw his eyes up to the house one more time, towards the upper windows – a light had just been clicked to life, I could see it spilled across the street. This startled Chris into silence – when I followed his eyes, I was equally surprised.
When I looked at him again, he cast me a visibly angry glance.
"I'm going back this way. Goodnight!" He said dryly, walking a few steps backwards, before turning and leaving.
I was too confused, too uncertain about what had just happened to really concentrate on the impression I must have given him: that I was a liar. Truth be told, I had lied, but not about my living conditions… but I guess Karma just didn't care. In any case, I unlocked the door, walked into my house… only to be surprised by Susie torpedo-landing on my stomach.