It is surprising, the weather's nice as the sun seems calm today. Not too hot, which is quite odd because last few days the sun was blaring as if it's mad at the world. The sky is blue with a bit of cloud here and there as the sunray shines brightly above me, giving me warm light kisses to my cold skin.
A gentle breeze caresses the hair on my forehead as I lay here. It lightly tickles my temple, giving me itch. But I can't seem to reach the spot to scratch it. So I just give up the idea. Funny, never have I ever thought I will be this weak. This must be what he felt when I hurt him. I let out a soft chuckle at my own joke. Then I realize my lips don't seem to move along for me.
I can smell it. The smell of metal.
The warm liquid beneath me is in contrast with my slowly turned cold body. Tiny shards of glass seem to stab my back, forcing me to be awake because of the pain. There's no need for me to see how much the liquid came out from my own body because I can feel the life seeping out of me.
I can hear murmuring sounds around me. The sound of people shouting, the distant sound of sirens. But, I don't care. For once, I just want to shut down all my senses and not care. I feel tired.
I'm tired of running. I'm tired of my life. Tired to please everyone. The neverending demand from them of impossible things is suffocating.
For a long time, I tried. I tried so hard to be loved, yet nobody in this world seems to care. to take a glance at me. Nobody except him. But, without a second thought, they take him away. The only person I need to keep me alive. My one and only source of happiness.
They take away my safe haven.
Cruel
This world is so cruel. I don't understand what did I do to deserve this. Why? What's wrong with all of this? What's wrong with my life? What did I do wrong?
Is it that bad wanting to live?
Why can't they leave me alone?
Am I so sinful and dirty for this world?
Why?
How come?
Is it that bad to love someone?
I can feel my usual turmoil heart begin to beat slower as time passes by. My eyes suddenly feel heavy, urging me to close my eyes, and I did. The darkness soothes me and welcomes me in its arms. For once, I finally feel peace. I haven't felt this in a while, not after he was gone.
Tired. I feel tired. I just want to rest. The idea of dying suddenly seems not so scary anymore. Maybe this is not bad after all. Maybe this is for the best. So I don't need to please them anymore. I don't have to pretend that I'm okay.
Maybe this is what they want. To get rid of the pest in their life. They will finally have what they wish for. This is for the best. By removing myself from their life.
I'm tired.
I'm tired of pretending.
I'm tired of living.
As I keep my eyes closed, I feel tears coming out as they dampen my eyelashes and slowly slid to my temples, pooling out on my ears. Pictures of him coming out in front of my lid, replaying in front of my covered orbs. I'm silently feeling grateful to my own brain for acting as a projector. At least I can finally see him. One last time.
Memories of me and him keep playing in front of my closed eyes. His chuckle. The way he held out his hand out to me. His hearty laughter, the way his head tilt. His warm eyes, the way he looks at me. His smile, those gentle smiles.
Him and me sitting beneath our lone tree.
Damn.
I'm going to miss him. I'm going to miss him a lot.
My tears starting to fall rapidly as I keep closing my eyes. Realizing that I will never see him again. Not being able to see my favourite smile one last time.
I don't want this to stop. I don't want to open my eyes. I'm afraid I won't be able to see him again if I do.
I pray silently for him. Pray so the pain he will have of losing me forever won't be too long.
I'm sorry for hurting you. I never meant all of it. I just want you to be happy, even if you'll hate me in the end. I'm sorry for leaving you. It is the only way I can think of to set you free. I just want to see you spread your wings. To fly as far away as possible. Even if that means you'll eventually leave me here alone.
I can't fly, I can't reach you, I'm not equivalent to you. I'm a defect.
Yet, I can't seem to stop loving you.
It's wrong, I know how truly wrong it is. But I can't help it. My heart doesn't listen to me. All of the odds seem nothing, my brain stops thinking rationally and my desire to leave is instantly defeated when I see you.
You don't even need to smile, you just need to stand there, not even need to take a glance at me. You just need to exist, and my world instantly revolves around you. Your presence alone makes me want to give everything I have to you.
I'm sorry for being weak.
I'm sorry for loving you.
I'm sorry that I make you suffer.
I'm sorry that you met me.
I'm sorry that I make you cry.
I'm sorry for being an asshole.
I'm sorry to make you love me.
I'm sorry for being tired.
I'm sorry for giving up.
I'm sorry for leaving first.
Please be happy, be happy for yourself. Don't cry for me.
Please forget me, don't remember me.
I really am sorry, for existing in your life.
I love you.
Always,
Goodbye.
My safe haven.
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