Chapter 33: 2.17 ARTIFICIAL LOVE: Guilt

warning: a lot of manipulation (it was present before, but ermmm, yeah it's pretty bad)

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"—shut up," Kang Siwoo hisses sharply, his hands tighten around the steering wheel, heart pounding in his chest. "I know what I'm doing."

He trembles, his foot coming down on the accelerator. The streets are a blur and a chiding voice rings in his head.

Ouros: I guarantee that if you die now, Fate within this world won't be resolved. Trust me, dumbass, you do not want a do-over, for it shall be more and more unpleasant each time.

Kang Siwoo ignores it, he doesn't care. He's a racehorse with blinders on. There's a corner up ahead and he doesn't slow down. Headlights beam towards him and—

A wet swerve, tires screech. Bang! And the car flips. Kang Siwoo shields his face with his arms and vows to himself that he won't die.

He won't die. Not yet.

The world darkens and he clings on. There are sirens in the background and Ouros's angry voice ringing in his ear but Kang Siwoo smiles to himself when he gets pulled out of the rubble because he doesn't care about anything else.

As long as he's alive, it's fine.

As long as he's alive, he still has something to work with.

…

Beomseok almost drops the phone.

Everything is wrong because he's not Kang Siwoo's emergency contact but there have been stranger things that happened in his life.

It's a car crash, fuck it's a car crash. And Beomseok's world comes to a slow. He recalls conversations he's just recently had with his brother about their mother. About a phone call she made before dying. About the way the car flipped over. About how Lee Yejun was tasked to identifying a corpse.

Beomseok stands there, frozen in his living room. He can hear the light drizzle of rain outside. Please, he begs internally, he doesn't want to identify a dead body—

"Lee-ssi?" Goes the voice on the other side.

Beomseok's voice is dry and shaky, "Sorry, I didn't hear what you said."

The voice sighs and repeats itself and Beomseok is asked if he wants to go see Siwoo. Of course, he does. He doesn't even think twice and he's out the door.

…

Even when he's at the hospital, he's not allowed to see Siwoo. Family and spouse only, they said. Beomseok almost lies and sprouts some shit about being engaged to get in but he knows that will only go badly so he's left outside pacing because he doesn't want to leave either.

So he waits there until the next day and the day after as well. Yejun phones and asks what's up, Beomseok is like a dam, broken and spills, frantic and upset.

"That friend of yours?" He can hear Yejun frown over the phone. "I don't know what happened but…is he okay?" Both of them are touchy on the topic of car crashes. It is only expected.

"I—" Beomseok stutters. No, he wants to scream, Siwoo isn't okay. He's unconscious and got himself hurt because of Beomseok. All because Beomseok told him to leave. Even when the nurses tell him that Siwoo will be okay he finds it hard to believe them not when he—

He—

"Look," Yejun's voice over the phone is sharp, "I get that you're a drama queen."

"Geez thanks," Beomseok cuts him off bitterly. To be fair, Yejun was never good at comforting people in the first place.

"But it's not your fault. Your friend's going to be fine, yeah?"

"But it IS my fault," Beomseok argues, his heart roaring with a knifing pain. "It's—" his eyes are tearing and he's a fucking girl.

"Hyung, listen to me—"

"Lee-ssi?" Beomseok's conversation is suddenly interrupted by a nurse. "Kang-ssi is awake and would like to see you."

"Oh! I'm coming!" He jolts up immediately and almost forgets that his phone is still in his hand. In a hurry, he blurts out to his frustrated brother, "I'm going to go now."

"Beom—" he barely hears before turning off the call. Beomseok would have to apologize to his little brother later but currently, he only has one thing on his mind.

He rushes down the hospital halls.

The Kang Siwoo who lies in a hospital bed is nothing like the dazzling star that shines on stage but Beomseok gravitates towards him nonetheless. The pristine room is dyed pinks and purples from the setting sun outside. It's a little dark, but Beomseok doesn't dare turn to the lights on either.

Siwoo looks so frail, wrapped in gauze with a ghastly face, his lips cracked and dry. The face that rests above a neck rest looks both swollen and gaunt, bruised with scratches. Beomseok's heart lurches with horror because this is all his fault. Oh god, it's all his fault.

Beomseok rushes over but once he's at the bedside he doesn't even know what to do. "Siwoo-hyung—"

"—Seok?" the voice that calls him is low and raspy. A small smile is forced onto those lips, eyes slowly forcing open. "Oh, I'm so happy you came, Beomseok. I was…I was scared that…"

Beomseok assumes that Siwoo is talking about the crash and something lurches and lodges itself in his throat. There are tears in his eyes and he's shaking, kneeling down at Siwoo's bed. "It's all my fucking fault," he rambles with a quivering voice. "Fuck, if I hadn't, if I hadn't…"

If he hadn't chased Siwoo out, none of this would have happened. If he wasn't fucking cursed or some shit, none of this would have happened. Paranoia transforms into guilt and grips him like a vice, refusing to let go.

Somehow, even in this state, Kang Siwoo chuckles and the expression he wears is soft, welcoming, and angelic. He really is like an angel, glowing so brightly even when all else is bleak. "Don't cry Beomseok…it's not your fault… I was careless. The careless one was me." He reaches out with his good arm, patting Beomseok on the head.

How was it that even now, Beomseok was the one being comforted by Kang Siwoo? Like a damn dramatic bitch he couldn't stop himself from crying. Back hunched over and shoulders trembling. His whole body shook, unable to hold back the tears. He could only curl in on himself in shame as they fell, wetting the white hospital sheets.

"Beomseok? Don't cry, I'm sorry. It's also my fault, please don't blame yourself… Beomseok please look at me…"

Beomseok doesn't want to lift his head, not when he's sniffling and too embarrassed to even rub the tears away. Not when he hates himself and hates that his actions led to this. To Kang Siwoo's life being in danger all because he selfishly wanted to push the idol away.

"Beomseok…please? Hyung is sorry."

No, the one that should be begging for forgiveness is Lee Beomseok. But he can't say a word anymore. A finger tentatively reaches out grazes his chin. When Beomseok tries to pull back, Siwoo doesn't let him. His head is raised and Kang Siwoo leans off his bed.

"Say that it's not your fault," Kang Siwoo urges, his brows are knit and for deep furrows on his forehead. But even like this, with bandages wrapped all over his body in a hospital gown, he looks breathtaking. He's breathtaking to Beomseok, like a light at the end of the tunnel.

More tears fall because the words are inconceivable to Beomseok. "What the fuck are you saying?" he hisses with a cracked voice, "If only I hadn't been a selfish bastard then you wouldn't—"

Siwoo's frown deepens, he tightens his hold on Beomseok's chin, staring straight through his soul. "Stop," he cuts Beomseok off with a chiding tone, "Stop saying that. You know that you're not at fault."

But Beomseok is stubborn and shakes his head. "No!" He's near hysteria and there's the edge of anger in his voice, "I just— What I did—" He loses coherency and his thoughts are an absolute mess.

"Shut up," Siwoo eventually scolds, but it's oddly soft for such rude words.

"But—" Beomseok continues.

Siwoo leans in and quiets him with a kiss.

Time pauses. The curtains flap lightly to the small crack left at the window. Beomseok's emotions are stunned into silence.

Kang Siwoo pulls away. He stares into Beomseok's glassy eyes with his, sharp and determined, full of energy and life. "Beomseok," he says, just above a whisper. "Don't ever blame yourself, okay?"

Beomseok doesn't say a word, it's too difficult to agree yet, not when guilt is still so vivid and fresh. But Kang Siwoo is just inches away from him and captures his heart in a way that offers Beomseok no reprieve. So Beomseok nods, just to pacify Siwoo if nothing else.

When Siwoo smiles he's like the sun. "Good…That's good." He sounds like he's relieved.

Beomseok says nothing. But in his heart, he vows that he will never leave this person alone again.

When Kang Siwoo is finally discharged, Beomseok follows him back to the big city.

CREATORS' THOUGHTS
valiantxvillainous

JUST ERM...

Yeah. I DO NOT condone what Siwoo is doing lol. He's a very sly and sneaky manipulator. This is NOT what it takes to have a good, healthy relationship.

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