I grow up trying to understand what I feel towards everything around me.
It feels like I haven't had the grasp of everything yet. I can't read people just like they're able to read others; I can't do or decide things on my own; I can't specifically decipher feelings; I can't choose which path of life I am going to take. I'm extremely naïve.
This is probably because I've had superfluous feelings back when I was a kid.
I grow up with my grandma, and she's incredibly perfect for me. She gives me all the things that I want whenever I want them. She teaches me lessons in life, yes, but more importantly, she gives me everything she can because her desire is always putting me before anyone else, even before herself.
My mother fled a couple of months after my father died. I was pretty young by then, had nowhere else to go so my grandma felt obligated to take care of me – her only grandchild.
I remember the time when my mother left right after she randomly showed up. It's always hurtful. How could she decide to show up, play with me for a few hours, or days, or nights, and then leave me in an instant, extremely devastated after waking up the next day with an empty bed? Most of the time I didn't want to go to sleep because I knew that the moment I wake up, I'd be deserted. I'd then cry a river. It always broke me whole. How can a mother do that to their own? But during those moments of what felt like an everlasting sadness, my grandma was always there to rescue me from loneliness. She would come into my room, pick me from my bed, and hum me to sleep. Her humming always comforted me. It's like coffee and blanket on a cold rainy day.
My grandma doesn't have much fortune, but she has a small mango farm that gives her a significant amount of money to support and provide me with whatever I want in the world. But growing up and realizing a lot of stuff, I don't want many things in the world except to be intensely happy. Every single day. I think this is even my mantra in life: Be Happy Always.
My grandma still lives in our old place commonly known as Orendo Mango Farm. It's a three-hour drive from the capital city Bresk. She's alone with Kevin and Toni, our dogs, and Katy, our fat snobby cat. I left grandma and our old place for school four years ago and decided to settle here in Bresk. My grandma refuses to live with me because, according to her, she can't leave the mangoes drying, and/or what else is she gonna do in this world other than harvesting mangoes and taking care of her dogs and cat. Besides, I'm all grown up.
It's not that I can't stand living without her, though. Being independent is my second nature. I don't know where or how I got it, but I like living alone. It's like peace to me. I can live without people. I can live without the whole world buzzing around.
Until recently, when I found Kish.
He's been my whole world ever since. As cliche as it sounds, he's my everything.
He gives me exactly what my grandma has given me, and more. He is a justification of what love is, and what loving other person is all about.
Except for one thing – permanence.
I become so much attached to him through the years. He has become a family. Except for my grandma, he's literally all I got. I couldn't think of anything else better to do than to love him and be with him. I am so focused on thinking about our relationship to the point of becoming worried about it all the time.
I am so worried about our future. I am so worried that one day he will turn his back against me just like what my mother did. I am so worried waking up feeling a deep hollow core. I am indefinitely battling for permanence and stability.
I have always talked to him about moving in; about the infinite things we can do together; about a whole lot of things and plans I have in mind when we live in together, but it seems like his mind is not set for it. It seems like he has other priorities than doing all those with me.
I know that this is just a silly little thought and moving in with him is a big plan, but it is what I want. Actually, it's what I need. I need a sense of permanent belongingness. I don't know why looking for someone to love me is so much important when I know that I have a grandma who is always ready for me. I don't know why, but maybe because we all need a stranger to be beside us in every plight we have in life. We all want a stable relationship with someone we think is best for us. We all want permanence with someone who we can have forever with.
Again, permanence.
*****
I wake up feeling tired from last night's two-year celebration. It's not major – just a few drinks at a nearby wine shop where we stayed up late, and talked about random things like we always do. We have no close friends aside from work so we always go out alone with each other, which is kind of better. I like this better than waking up the next morning hangover. My previous relationship back at school was extremely fun. It's the kind of fun where we had tequila-plus-beer nights with all our friends drinking our whole life to death. It was like the Great Gatsby or the Wolf Of Wall Street kind of heavy party minus the sex, or to put it more lightly, the kind of Skins party minus the drugs. It was full of remixes and booze – which was fun back then. Now, the kind of relationship I have is a more closeted one. Like the 500 Days of Summer or If I Stay kind of relationship minus the noncommitment, and dying part. I like comparing our relationship to those movies coz both are fun. Hurtful at some point, but fun. Too much in love, too much inspiration, too much togetherness.
I like our relationship more, Kish and I. It's something mature, and more responsible. I think I am beginning to be shaped up to be a better thinker. Because honestly, I have so many alone time than I had before. I feel like I am a bit more of a thinker lately than a doer-without-thinking before. I am also more of a patient person these days. I can wait for hours and not getting extremely pissed off like before. Back in school, when I was way younger, I was persistent and impatient. I want to get things done as much as possible, and fast. I wanted results fast. But now, I let things happen as it happens.
Ah, the things that relationships do. Good relationships bring out the best in you, you know. It's not a theory, but a mere fact. It's more like tests. You fail most of the time. But when you get everything right, you will enjoy nothing but good things. You evolve for the better.
*****
I stay lying on the bed while the sun is kissing my cheeks. Its prickly heat makes me want to stay on the bed for quite some time with hopes that it can rejuvenate my whole body.
I realize that I am not tired. Instead, I am quite love-drunk – the feeling that you are so much in love and content you just want to stay in the bed for who cares how long (and prolly because it's a Saturday). The feeling of being so much in love and content is what I always crave for. But in this world, I learned that we are not entitled to get everything all the time especially when everything is constantly changing.
I push the blanket away and decide to get up.
I stand up, feeling awaken, and glide to the kitchenette. I can see that the table is set with the strong smell of coffee pushing its way to my nostrils. It wakes me up even more. A sweet French toast filled with honey comes along really fine with my coffee. Ah, what a good day to start my weekend.
I clean the table after eating and send him an iMessage: Thank you for the sweet breakfast. I love you.
My message gets Delivered immediately.
I stare at the screen and wait for any reply.
Nothing.
Maybe he's just busy at work.
With nothing else to do, I then slouch my way to the shower and take a long bath.
I love Saturdays. And long hot baths.
Longs baths make me think. While Saturdays always remind me of waking up on a summer day at the farm.
Back in the farm, each Saturday meant waking up to the sound of the birds and chicks chirping, roosters crowing, the dogs barking, and the leaves gracefully swishing along with the soft wind. It's always something pleasant to the ears. It's a euphoria of ideas and adventure.
I think all wonderful ideas come from the moment you wake up – when your body is in the state of unconsciousness and everything around you is all about wonderful things and sounds – your mind will be able to create amazing ideas and pictures of everything around you even before actually seeing anything.
I think everything starts from there. Every happy memory is taken from the good things around you.
I finally get out of the shower to change and check my phone. The Delivered status on iMessage has not changed, and I do not think today is a busy day at work.
But it's okay.
I then decide to do my laundry instead. I collect my week-worth dirty clothes and walk my way down to the self-service laundry shop on the ground floor of the building.
I feel right and so light after getting out of the building. The smell of the air is something so familiar yet I can't quite figure out. It smells like a sweet lemon or something like that. It smells perfect.
And this day is just perfect. Or so I think.
While entering the laundry shop I notice a fair tall guy watching me bring my laundry bag. He draws a smile on his face and I make a slight bow to acknowledge his friendliness.
He's tall. He looks good and buff. He's close to being perfect but not too cool to be admired. I don't dislike him either. Methinks, it's more of insecurity than admiration. Besides, I already have a boyfriend. Pfft. What am I thinking? I dismiss the thought right when he comes near to greet me.
"Good morning," he greets me with his baritone and sits on the bench.
"Good morning to you, too," I replied with a gleeful smile while approaching one of the washing machines.
I put all the clothes I brought and load it into the washing machine. I then load the machine with water, put Tide in, turn the dial to 30 minutes, place a coin in the slit with the small Insert Coin Here label, and approach the long bench on the doorway to sit. I plug the earphones in the Nano strapped on my wrist and place it in my ears. I shuffle a few songs and settle on Bastille, while shyly smiling to my seatmate.
I feel like I already have a good, productive day today. Well, it always feels this way whenever I do my laundry, or clean my room – ultimately fulfilling.
I'm about to get my phone from the pocket of my PJs, and when I could not find it, I run back up to the building and into my room.
There I see my phone safely lying on the table. I snatch it from the table and then walk my way to the door. I press the home button and still has not received any messages.
Well, life's like that. Sometimes you have to wait for something to happen.
Going back down the ground floor is like walking down the eternal precipice you want to end, but you cant. You want to stop, but there's no way to.
I am exceptionally lazy. I prefer staying at home couch potato than doing endless house chores, or unlimited laundries, or boring cinema houses, or taxing workloads, or sluggish barhopping, or ridiculous night-outs. It just doesn't make sense. Or I'm just extremely lazy about all stuff. Even walking down the building of my flat.
Except today.
I almost reach the laundry shop when I nearly freak out with Kish's car honking behind me.
"What the..." was all I was about to say when I recognize the smooth edges of his red Ford Sedan. I look at the plate to double-check. It's his, given, but why, at this hour when he's supposed to be at work?
His car stops right in front of me and the passenger window rolls down revealing his glorious smile at me, with his hair carefully done, and his polo neatly ironed. I throw a puzzled look.
"Get in. Fast. I'm starving," he says while unlocking the door. I hear the door unlocked. I open it, and get in.
"Why are you here?" I ask while fixing my hair inside the car.
"Because you are my boyfriend?" he answers happily.
"Thought you have work today," I reply.
"I just finished a couple of things, and decided to abandon work for our post-celebration," he snorts out while making a sharp turn.
"Ah, I didn't know you have that in you," I tease him, as a matter of factly.
"Have what in me?" he asks smiling while stopping at the red light of an intersection.
Straight ahead, the traffic light bares red and the cars on our left run the opposite direction. He waits. I wait.
"Never thought you're this romantic, " I admit and hold his hand.
The traffic light still bares bloody red. Then cars on the other side of the road run from the left to the right, crossing our path.
"Of course I am," he says while laughing, then adds, "I love you so much."
Just after he finishes his sentence, a fast running car hits our car in the rear, pushing us hard in the center of the intersection. While we are exactly at the center, shocked, and unable to move, a huge truck approaches from the left, unable to stop, hit the driver's side, pushing the vehicle as far as it could.
In a split second, our lives have changed permanently. In a split second, we are hit by a car and a truck. My vision has become blurry. I can only make out inside the car totally destructed. I can see a figure of the body covered in red. I want to touch him but I can't move. It looks like he's far away from me. I move my head slightly to the right and I can see the traffic light blazing green light this time.
And everything went dark.
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