Chapter 2: Chapter 2
I screamed as he closed the space between us and drew me away from the cliff. His lips latched onto mine, and I tried to fight him off me, but he pushed me to the ground and climbed above me, pinning both hands above me. There is no question about this. I cannot allow him to make love to me. Never again. "Stop. I said I don't want to make love to you anymore. Please stop." I screamed at the top of my lungs. He tried to pry my bra open, and I shoved him.
My baby's cry jolted to consciousness as she fought to latch onto my breast, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
"Oh, you are trying to feed. I am sorry for pushing you away, my love."
I helped her out by pushing it into her mouth, and she latched. My milk supply is almost nonexistent. It is a problem I developed a week after childbirth. They admitted me to the hospital for a severe intestinal ulcer, and my milk supply ceased after the aggressive treatments. The doctor said it was an adverse reaction to a medication. The milk supply resumes sometimes and may last for a day before it ceases again. That does not stop my baby from trying to suck. It is like a treasure hunt for her.
Everywhere is dark except for the blue notification light emanating from my phone. I check the time, and it is just 12.56. This discovery frustrates me because another long night has begun. My daily routine since childbirth is taking a toll on me, physically and mentally. I wake up at 6 am to do all the chores. She awakes between 7 to 8 am to feed, and her bath follows immediately. She takes her morning nap, and I have time to eat and make lunch. I'd pray for her to sleep a little longer before she wakes up and goes full ninja on me for the rest of the day. Of course, those prayers God never answers my prayers. So I change diapers, give her baths, feed both of us, sing and dance around the house. We watch Shrek for the ten millionth time until we fall asleep. She wakes me up at midnight, and I wouldn't be able to sleep for the rest of the night.
I have been alone since the early stages of my pregnancy in my small two-bedroom apartment. It is in a compound with beautiful green vegetation surrounding us. Almost like you live in the woods. The owner loved nature and preserved it only for that purpose. He bought it a long time ago, but couldn't decide what to do with it, so he put a gate around it and built a two-bedroom house. I moved to this little town at the end of Borya Kingdom after things ended with the father of my child. I didn't want to cause any pain to my family by denting their prestigious image, and they didn't want me to leave the kingdom entirely because they wanted to monitor me. We settled for the farthest place from them.
My father comes to check on us once a month, and my sisters try to keep in touch as much as they can, but work keeps them busy. I don't want to become a burden to them so; I keep to myself. But it has become difficult living alone while nursing my baby. I can't complain because one glance at my daughter, and it is all worth it. So I try as much as I can and carry on. But the loneliness and the lack of anyone to talk to is getting to me. Day by day, I become lonelier. I crave severely for company and adult conversations.
Have you ever been so lonely that you would do anything for a company? Have you ever pre-recorded voice notes to talk back at it and pretend you were having a conversation with someone? Crazy, I know. It is difficult when your only source of communication and companionship is a toddler and a noisy and out-of-control donkey each time we watched Shrek for the one-millionth time. It has kept me going for a while, but it no longer excites me. I am in this space where my night is no better than my day. I hate peeling my eyes open each morning because it signals the beginning of another empty day. I am at the edge of the cliff, and I feel as if I might jump if I do nothing about it. All I want is to find anyone out there who will help me crave being alive. I grabbed my phone from the nightstand and checked through the list of dating apps. I read reviews and downloaded the one whose creator bragged about being the best at connecting the world. Do not judge me. You should know that desperate times call for desperate measures.
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